Teach Only Love

Positive versus Negative or Reality?

2011-01-25T08:17:00.000-08:00

Discussion that has evolved over time on Facebook with a few friends. Does positive thinking or Optimism lead to a better life or is it just a way to avoid reality (or something along those lines)? I do appreciate Facebook for bringing me closer to the discovery of cross cultural, multi-religious (or non-religious), across the political spectrum lifestyles. It has brought me You-Tubes as well that range from extremely banal and stupid to those with more deeply crusty subjects. It has kept me in touch with friends I probably would have never reached out to again... it has with the touch of a button on my computer given me the thought of the day around the world. With that said...

There was an article in the NYT Opinion posts that brings to light the positive thinking movement has it's down side as well as detractors. I AM a fan of positive thinking and optimism so this article caught my eye. The writer was talking about health outcomes more than life outcomes... I'm not certain the article has much meaning overall.

I do have to say though that the positive thinking focus can have it's downside.
I would agree that we aren't all dealt a good hand just because we have led a "good" life or come from a "good" family. On the other hand we are not marked for a bad life if we have otherwise made mistakes and knowingly faltered along the path of the righteousness (don't tell my Catholic mother I said that). I've watched good people die... I've seen those who don't seem to care much live a long alcohol/drug soaked life... I've seen good people fall off the wagon and kill others (this is very painful to reconcile)or lose a child violently (as well mind boggling) and I've seen people who had totally selfish pursuits find the God (good) of their understanding and rise up out of the disaster of their own making. It's a mixed bag. Just what is positive and negative as well can have a broad range of definition. Just as life span doesn't mean we have done it right (or wrong)... the meaning of a good life doesn't often come carefully defined and death isn't necessarily a negative.

I really appreciate the discussion overall... thoughts?

2010-12-23T13:14:00.001-08:00

I really love the holidays. It's hard sometimes but I do. This one is going better than the last two years. I've scheduled in calm and joy. I've learned it's definitely something you have to schedule in. I had to move chaos off the calendar for a few hours. I had to consciously say no to anger. Stopped doing things that have no meaning (they may have had meaning in the past or meaning to someone else... it takes a question to the heart). I had to stop doing too much. That last one is the hardest part for me especially when people seem to have some authority in my life to tell me to be somewhere at a particular time but I was able to avoid a couple of things that were easily scheduled for another day later. Some things in life have more emotional weight. It takes time to handle and recover from certain tasks. It's also important during the holidays to know that some days just waking up brings emotional weight. The difficulty of mornings that are colder, darker and closer to the holidays with all it's parties and fun fun fun!!!! I thought a few times that I had underscheduled my day but guess what things did come up... a dead battery, a child who woke up realizing that homework had not been done after a tiring night... a sick boy... a friend in need. Never fails that life brings it on.

I just wanted to say... Merry Christmas (Mary!) I don't think there are too many people who read my blog (I may get braver in the New Year and swear once in awhile in here! /snicker/) Happy New Year and a whole lot of peace and quiet to you!

The possible demise of this blog...???

2010-12-23T11:52:00.001-08:00

I don't know how to change my primary e-mail address? I tried and it said I couldn't use my new e-mail address... sooo I tried my yahoo e-mail address but my primary e-mail address is still the old e-mail that will no longer exist come the 1st of the year. hmmmm... what to do... what to do?

checking into the help desk here... wish me luck. I really don't want to lose it.

2010-10-08T15:11:00.000-07:00

Here I am...

2010-06-25T14:51:00.000-07:00

Haven't written for awhile. Just don't know how to get thought out clearly. So so much going on. I guess the truth is my thoughts are mixed and my experiences are even more mixed and varied. It's hard to put it all into words. I go up and down and back and forth with it all. I get hauled away from my words and thoughts frequently and I'm trying to keep it all together here at home. It's not hard to do that but it is hard to keep my focus on where I am at any given time. Bottom line is I'm loving life so long as I remember to put my best self forward. Sometimes things are happening so fast I end up like the junk yard dog... mean and just sitting in it. I thankfully have some restraint but there are times I'd give anything for a quick wit and a strong word to some of the people who are in my way and not at all needing to be there.

I really need to line up my horses in a formation that gets the calvary moving in a strong force. I need to make sure to keep my posse in a good mood. I almost always have to be the leader, the promoter, the entertainer and the healer even with people where that isn't my job. I need to definitely be smarter than "they" are.

Heaven help me as I work my way through this part of my life. With God by my side I will find my way through this and in the end everyone will be better for it!!!

2010-01-26T20:05:00.000-08:00

This picture makes me laugh with a feeling of just lightness. Such cuteness is barely legal in my opinion.

Moving on into 2010...haircuts

2010-01-17T13:54:00.000-08:00

The girl cut. She had long hair for awhile. I hope there were more reasons for her to cut it than because her sister and I poked her. But even if it the only reason I love her in shorter hair. She didn't go as far as I wanted with a stylish bob but she did let me dictate the wedge going forward to be longer in front by a bit. She loves it but was upset some didn't notice her new do. She was so cute about it by hiding it under a had at one point until she was in her class room.

Oh I Love this boy so much!!! First haircut. He wanted it done and did very well. His sisters both had haircuts. He looks so cute. It was hard to do this because for awhile at least he had the most scrumptious curls and sweet baby face to go with it. Now his hair looked shabby and drabby. It was harder to get it to curl and be cute. So here is the boy. Ta da da da!!!!

Teach Only Love: Anxiety

2009-12-24T10:36:00.000-08:00

Teach Only Love: Anxiety

Anxiety

2009-12-22T07:32:00.000-08:00

I started in November with what I believe are anxiety attacks, I had no evidence to the contrary. There are not tests strips or lab results to say and I confess I've not been to a doctor (part of the reason is I don't know exactly what to tell him has happened... it's so multifaceted. More so I don't want to start of any alarm bells in an already 4 alarm mind that I possess) . The first one I realized I had experienced was a whopper. I stopped my friend who was sitting next to me while she drove her oversized van in her tracks. "Somethings wrong!" She looked at me telling me I was white as a ghost. It all came out in triplicate. I was not in charge of my body. I felt like I was in the ether which in some ways isn't a bad feeling but on the other hand I had no control over certain parts of my being. Heart racing... mind going wild... legs wanting to run... feeling terrified but way too calm? My dearest most bestest friend takes my 4 toddler kids and lets me tend to the rest of my day with my two older girls dance schedules. She makes us all dinner. I have time to breathe and think. It is so clear to me that anyone with 4 children under the age of 4 has the profound right to feel a bit of anxiety but as well had better get a grip on it. I don't want to blame my kids for the way I feel so I begin to look beyond that as well for answers. Bingo! I realize how much I take in. Friends share their worries, my mother hands me her anger, I look at every situation as if it's mine to fix. I realize that I also have looked to food and caffeine for comfort. So I take the caffeine and other stimulants pretty much out of my day. That helps. I decide to take a few weeks off from taking on any responsibilities or worries that are not immediate problems causing harm if I don't get to them now. I buy play-doh, and get crafts for the kids to do to help them stay focused and out of trouble (what took me so long to figure this out... 97 cent jars of play-doh, toys with larger pieces that assemble, coloring books... easy clean up, cheap and fun!) As well I begin to really enjoy more of what is. Turn the coin over from worry a bit more to how fun it is to just do what is in front of me. It's simple... but far from easy to change your mind to joy. I confess I like drama. I'm figuring out how to bring joy and drama together.

So here I am right before Christmas. My plan is 98 percent good... life has taken a turn for the better (of course there are those relapses that are actually really bad. I know when we try to change a habit it comes back around and really roars). I'm not perfect and I still want to improve in some areas. The anxiety is far from gone. One of the things that keeps popping into my mind now is very upsetting. About 5 years ago I was at home in AZ when I received a call from my mom. She is talking about a family we knew well, focus on the daughter whom I went to school with who was one year older than me... she had been found dead in the shower... died very suddenly... likely dead before she hit the floor. Somebody who was in her home found her. It was too sad to even begin to process this picture. The funeral was a mix of catholic tradition. The open casket, the family grief palpable, the church service morose, the talk and the disbelief, a reunion or sorts since we all had not been all in one room for years. Then there was revelation about someone in the family that no one knew... a few oddities that were revealed. Likely they were secrets that were forced out now that the situation called for fortitude. This wasn't anything that brought harm to anyone it just made the situation all the more shocking and heavy.

From that point I didn't bury my emotions it came out physically right at that moment and it hit hard. I know now though that with something sudden and shocking that it continues to come out in bit's and pieces after that. Here I am 5 years or so later and she's on my mind constantly. I do a gasp and I feel that anxiety coursing through me. She really has never been far from my thoughts. I realized now something I had not thought much about before. What happened to her is any young womans, mothers, persons worst nightmare (well for those of us who survived her). Leaving young children and a life behind scares me senseless. I refused to think of that at the time... too much and of course it's catastrophic thinking that goes nowhere good. Well it finally sprung out... catapulted into my awareness... big screen and in living color. I haven't quite figured out what to do about it. I know this is a source of some of my anxiety. The time has come to look at it and face the fact that not everything is in my control. Maybe the thoughts of her are more than just about her though... maybe it's more about all the control issues. I'm working on this aspect of things. I certainly can change many things about my diet... buy play doh... be happier but there are some things I cannot change. Again not easy changes but simple to think about. Brings me to the serenity prayer:

God Grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change
Courage to change the things I can... and...
The Wisdom to know the difference

Post note: right after I wrote this out Brittany Murphy is found dead of heart failure. At least for the moment that is the official word on it. Another woman succumbs to heart failure. RIP.

Motherhood...

2009-11-09T17:43:00.000-08:00

4 years old today!!!!

2009-11-04T09:37:00.000-08:00

Happy Birthday sweet boy of ours!!!!!!

I'm over that... Tuesdays Random thoughts

2009-10-20T08:58:00.000-07:00

We have our furnace on now. I have a safe and new space heater for the bathroom. I have a bit of my wardrobe set for the colder days. I have my head worked around the hot drink and warm weather gear for those moments of insanity where I can't stand the feeling of tingling cold on or near by body. I think I might make it. Snow take me away!

Got through our yearly inspection and re-licensure for foster care. It went very well. I think I may have it all down to a bit of science. It's not a big deal but the first few years here I was so nervous about it. A big part of it this year was just updating the caseworkers and somehow without even thinking about it I have done it on a consistent ongoing basis each quarter. As well having a house that is in working order. Tim just got going on some painting here... mostly trim work that needed to be done. With an older house it's harder because when things get to a point of needing it badly it could mean chipping and having to sand the area first. Lead paint is the risk. We had a little upheaval with that and hopefully we will put that behind us. With one little rug rat that was on her hands and knees we have to be so so so careful.

I've been working through some difficulty I have with some of the prevailing attitudes around me. I know part of it has reflected my problem... (looking in the mirror is always a good idea when a problem arises). Where it seems to show the most is on my FB page. There are these disagreements. I watch some people do it so well... just agree to disagree. Others are just militant about their views and can't seem to understand why they create choas and upset. These are the folks with super militant views... very much "my way is the right way and why can't you see that!" Why it bothers me is that it has ended a few friendships right out the door of our Facebook friendship. Actually I'm careful enough not to air my dirty laundry but I do confess to being more open about my views on things and sharing things likely I wouldn't be inclined to face to face (probably because I don't get to see people often enough IRL that I wouldn't have time) I wonder how these social networking sights will fare in years to come. Will they be able to reconnect friends and connect families in a civilized way or will they be cited for undo turmoil? I guess stay tuned.

I do apologize to the masses this last year and probably back a year or so. I have let go of birthday greetings. I'm in the process of forgiving myself for letting Christmas greetings go. I will do cards and what I can for gifts but I may get a bit more lax even there. I confess to having not enjoyed the season the last two years. I wake up with a headache trying to remember who I might have forgotten to gift. I have woken myself up into the New Year with grief and guilt as I recall another person I forgot. Letting go is good. Much of my gift giving will be in good order I'm sure but forgiveness is just going to be my seasonal motto this year.

Loving the Twilight series. Just finished the 3rd book. My oldest daughter is working on the 4th book so when she finishes I will be in that one like an obsessed person I'm certain. It's so nice reading again! We look forward to the movie "New Moon".

I love my life! (a good note to end on here!)

Winter....groan!

2009-10-16T06:02:00.000-07:00

Winter weather just puts me in a bad mood. I closed my eyes around April sometime and just grimmaced waiting for the warmer days. Opened them mid-May to the sweet smelling warmth of early summer but... The summer went too fast. How could it be cold again! There is a beauty to the Fall and the festivities are grand as time rolls on. I am finding myself again seeking refuge in the fun of these next few months. The darker days, the cold wind, the soggy leaves, tight bundled clothes just came too soon.

Purging my mind on a Friday morning...

2009-09-14T05:47:00.000-07:00

Just got up at 5 a.m. took myself out for a really bad cup of coffee at a local convenience store (Starbuck doesn't open until 7 a.m.) so that I could talk on the phone to someone in Phoenix at 8:30. Problem! the time is behind and not ahead so I called them at 2:30 a.m. and not 8:30 a.m. Duh! So here I am trying to work through a post that I started a week ago. I have been saying I wished I had more time in the mornings to do some things alone before the kids get up. Well I got it here. I drove around for a half hour before I realized what I was doing. I call it the "toddled brain syndrome". With 4 of them in my home right now I find myself a little off kilter.

Finished off the summer. Aquarium visit, weekly meetings with Early Intervention for K and J our youngest foster children, time at the mall, time at our cottage (one grueling but fun week when my mom visited), a visit from my mother (whinge!!).

Well school has started. We've been in the swing for about 3 weeks now. It's going well for the girls. I haven't heard either of them say they didn't want to go in the early a.m. which makes it easier to get up and get motivated. I know I won't be fighting with them.

Just a quick emotional rant here: This blog is my happy place but sometimes I need to vent my spleen. I'm so tired of radical politics I could scream. Joe Wilson. I posted a reply in a NYT article (on-line) stating I'm more afraid of his ilk than I ever could be of foreign terrorism.

I'm looking for a way lately to get my balance. I often feel my life depends on it. Not that I won't live if I don't... it's that I won't be exactly feeling alive and well. God Bless my little angels. I love them to bits but I need to find a way to balance some activities for all of us. It's possible and I'm working on it.

Tuesday...

2009-07-28T10:37:00.000-07:00

Summer is slipping away pretty quickly. I loathe going to the store and seeing the "back to school" sales coming on in July. We are heading back around August end. PTO e-mailed to let us know of the different positions opened for the multiple activities they work as fundraisers for the school. I wish there was not only a law that stated you cannot put out Christmas decorations (or even mention Christmas until the first week in December) likewise you will be harmed if you mention school or have sales for school anytime 2 weeks prior to school beginning.

Anyhow I still have plans. I want to get to the Baltimore Aquarium. I want to spend a week at our cottage. I want to sleep in at least a few more times. I would love to get to a few more minor league baseball games. I would love to entertain a few more times with good friends in our back yard or at the cottage. I'm really aching to hit a carnival or two (no rides but plenty of fair food!!!) Just to name a few things.

I think I can rest easy with summer running away so long as I can accomplish these goals and a few surprises to bring it all to a close.

Change is inevitable, pain is optional

2009-07-15T10:45:00.000-07:00

My husband Tim is sitting next to me as I'm sobbing. What a day I had. I recount my getting lost on a road that brought me to sluggish traffic and than a deadlock on a highway. As I sit in traffic with 5 very grumpy kids I vow not to end up at the mall. I'm want what started as a country ride to nowhere to end up being something a little more productive. As they say when you are heading nowhere that is where you will end up (or something like that). I finally see the mall and there we are. Now the kids are happy and I'm grumpy. Thank God it had a play area. Then I take my son to the bathroom. He is progressively potty trained but not always making it in time. I have to clean him up and it's not pretty. I put my cell phone down to keep it from getting drowned in the sink... then I forget it. Finally we leave and I'm resigned this was a "good" day (although I had envisioned much better at a park or a museum). We leave and I get on the wrong highway back to the cottage. I didn't notice it was the wrong road until I was quite far from my destination (this time I "knew" where I was going). Then I notice my cell phone is missing when I go to call Tim to ask him the best way "home" from way far away. So I turn back. I am requesting the kids pray that the mall is open late. Thank God the prayers worked. They say that God listens to children. I've got 5 at the moment so graciously I had an advantage. I go in and find my phone at the security desk. They ask me my name and then tell me that my husband had called me. I roll my eyes thinking of what me might have said to them "oh she lost the damn thing again!!!" I had just lost my keys a few days earlier and a stroller about 3 weeks before that. Not all these losses were my fault entirely but they stung none-the-less. I finally get us on the right road back to the cottage for what I hope is a peaceful weekend. I take a few things out of the car and head for the door... open the screen door and start to walk through when the door comes very quickly to a close before I get my left foot inside taking all the skin off a back portion of my leg down by my ankle. I gasp and hobble to the deck which is several steps away in order to sit down outside where the blood will be less of a problem (rugs versus wood deck... it wasn't an easy choice) when I notice too late the sliding screen door is not open... I knock the door off it's track, the screen tears and I go falling onto my hands on the deck on top of the whole bent out door. Flash to the sobbing part where my husband is listening to his wife rehashing the day in incoherent sentences. He tells me that I've done this all before... the last time we made changes in our life. Our move of 3 years before was fresh on his mind. Here I am in our new cottage (Mary pictures will be up here eventually!!) trying like a mad woman to enjoy it or else. I remember that when we first arrived in our new state I was under the same kind of "do or die" stress. Change... even positive and fun changes can be stressful... but pain is optional! Next time I need to beware of the doors!

Okay... it's Wednesday... barely!

2009-07-07T22:09:00.000-07:00

It is 1:20a.m. This has been a trend lately. Started actually before the end of school. I discovered I can actually get things done at this hour of the night w/o interruption. The house stays clean when I tidy up. I can think thoughts in a steady stream without interruption. I am able to wake up in the morning in a fairly good mood (provided I get some sleep after I hit the pillow) because I have completed what I started for the day. I also know that my nicname is true. I'm a "nightowl". Have always been and likely will always be. Mornings are nice but I really do love the night.

My problem. I have one child who like me loves to be up so I'm not always alone. She unlike me needs more sleep and she does become a rather transformed nasty thing when she doesn't get enough so I need to encourage her not to follow me in staying up for countless hours.

So I'm off the showers. I am beginning to feel a little rough around the edges right now because in addition to being up when I want to be lately I've not been sleeping even when I want to. Don't know what that is about but I'm sure that it end sooner or later and I will slumber well (hopefully sooner!)

Random Thoughts

2009-07-02T06:40:00.000-07:00

Haven't put a word down here in awhile. Between Facebook, my comfy internet groups, kids, home, friends in the flesh, husband, vacation, holidays, etc and not necessarily in that order I forgot about my blog?! Hmmm. I want desperately though to write about summer. Before it is over. Oh my. I'm just wanting to capture the joy of it... bottle it somehow... take copious notes and weave it into a garment I can wear and just enjoy. I just love it. I love all aspects of this. The warmth of it, the color, the brightness, the lull, even the soggy air.

It's also really nice right now because even though the rain is a little much it has kept the weather cooler for the most part. The kids are doing well. One dance class for my 8 year old. A week of camp for my 12 year old. Haven't quite figured out what to do with my 3 year old. We have a number of appointments for our two youngest (foster children) 2 and 11 months. I'm working to keep a balance. Not toooo busy but not missing a beat if I can. There are quite a few things to do... I tend to want to just flow with things but I also want to run around wildly taking in eeeeeverything!!!! The farmers markets, the parks, the celebrations, back yard parties (we haven't been invited to any but if we were!) the fruit stands, the crab and shrimp feasts to name only a few things. I likely will just opt for enjoying what comes my way or those things I see as I go. Packing 5 kids into a vehicle and carting them around (and without the double stroller I lost just a few weeks ago I might add) is a little daunting. That's okay though. I might get to enjoy a few things a bit more and savor the experience.

I thank God I also have a friend who will be there for me and help out with some of this task if needed. We have a child going for surgery this month to have ear tubes inserted and his adnoids taken out. We have a cottage up near a lake we will be spending time at. We also have a few dates on the calendar for visits from caseworkers and Early Intervention Therapists and a visit from my mother for a month. I'm know summer will not end before we enjoy many things I just look on now and feel a sense of it all... so much to do and so little time.

The hazy lazy side of me that needs to get away from it all is having so much fun!

Super Mom... dah dum!

2009-04-22T14:52:00.000-07:00

I am always hesitant to take on that sort of moniker but guess what.... I'm applying for the job title. My oldest just came home with her 2nd bout of Strep in about 3 weeks. I was about to put my head in the ground when she told me her throat was sore and give her some pain killer and send her to bed (someone said strep doesn't return!) but I had a sane moment and decided to haul her to the doctors office immediately... in we go with 4 children 4 and under along with my tearful daughter.

The doctor finished up his visit with my daughter having to repeat his questions and comments a few times while I adjusted children into chairs again and again to keep some order in this very small exam room. I finally handed the 2, 3 and 4 year olds a pamphlet on Asthma and told them to study it hard because there will be a test! This was the only minute of quiet while they complied quizzically with my order. As we left, the doctor was sneezing fitfully telling me he thought maybe he was allergic to one of us. I laughed and told him likely it was the energy level that was causing some hiccups in his usually calm demeanor.

My foster son J was diagnosed Monday with a serious ear infection (they think his ears have been under water on and off for awhile because of prior problems he has had and I just find out his mom has had tubes in her ears so possibly something genetic?) My husband complained last week of a sore throat and is now on antibiotics for an upper respiratory bug. I have had countless other appointments with the kids for a variety of issues that have arisen. It has been just a steady stream of things that I consider easy peasy to deal with however, the reoccurring infections are not welcome and not easy as far as I'm concerned. They need to stop!!!

I know I signed up for this duty with the 6 kids. I personally love children and enjoy them. I'm still learning how to accept a little bit of loneliness in the job. I also accept some people not only think I suck at the job and must be insane to have all these kids under my roof but also there are those who think I deserve every ounce of difficulty that comes my way. I do make some peoples lives difficult so why shouldn't they be happy when mine is chaotic?

Anyhow I will gladly take the cape... red tights... a shiny blue leotard emblazoned with Super Mom!!! I'm sure then no one will disagree that I'm certifiable when I show up to buy groceries in my new outfit!

A website I like...

2009-04-15T06:32:00.000-07:00

I officially declare....

2009-04-15T06:01:00.000-07:00

I have no sense or humor and I'm talentless. No offense to to the womans movement with the cartoon. It's just the most fitting silly thing I could find to express how I feel right now. OMG! I love some of the blogs I see out in blogland and I really don't hold a candle to them. The bigger world out there just takes me by storm sometimes. Few if any of my friends blog. My husband is a technophobe. My 12 year old is begging us for a cell phone (everyone has one says she).... well she doesn't so not everyone. I admit to feeling bad that I'm so lame but at the same time I wonder where people get the time to do all this. Probably like me it's a growing thing. Before you know it you find yourself doing something new and then as time goes on it's a growing thing. However... I look at my kids and for now I really know I'd rather be spending time figuring them out than all of this blogging stuff. It's fun though to explore some of these websites. I want to attach a few onto mine but I don't know exactly how to do that. For now it will remain that way as I have a child running his plastic elephant up my arm and wanting some attention. Okay off I go...

Today...

2009-04-14T09:38:00.000-07:00

Took the idea from a friend on Random Tuesday. Not sure what that means to her really? But I think it's just more like what I'm gonna do... Rambling Tuesday. Entries that are not exactly set on a topic and off I go... rambling.

I have our 4 year old foster son home this week. Spring Break. I'm asking though... "where is spring?" We have had a few spring days and things appear to be starting to bloom but it's really cold out lately and the ground is super soggy. I picture spring to be more outdoorsy than it has been but... oh well.

So it's 4 kids this week to entertain. It's surprising how one extra child can create a bit more chaos... not because he's more choatic but because I have grown accustomed to only having 3 on the school days. I have been more rigid on naptime for J. Tonite we will be in the car for a few hours and then maybe at the library for 2? I put dinner in there somewhere. The little ones have a visit with their parents. The last two weeks were 1 hour visits which left us with only that hour to spend on dinner and whatever? I don't know about other people but a visit to the library or anywhere else with dinner and getting everyone in and out of the car and then the extra moments for a lost shoe, a tantrum, potty breaks and that sort of thing doesn't work with only one hour total so we were just eating in the car and getting back to pick up the little ones and on home. If it were not so soggy a park would be nice in one or two hours. We could pick up dinner and eat there. Enough lamenting the weather... it's just annoying me lately. I'm ready to be turning on the air conditioning and complaining about how hot it is!

I have dance tonite too. We have had some time off so I'm out of sync with that. Don't look forward to going back. We are coming closer to the performance. I really felt like I did so much better this year (more confident, got to the right moves quicker, had more fun and didn't stand there crying so often?!) but for some reason there are times when we are practicing I just fall apart. A few things throw me off. First of all she uses different music some weeks and my brain isn't accustomed to changes like that, it's like a stumbling block for me. As well as soon as someone else messes up I mess up. It was hilarious one week when we were practicing she put the least confident dancers up front and we mine-as-well have just done a freefall. I couldn't stop laughing. In any event I'm needing to do my own thing and not watch others. Right now she has placed us in our performance spots so it's beginning to all take shape which helps because she makes it a little more uniform... takes out some of the more obvious falling points for the majority of us and goes over the form so we can tighten up our moves. I don't know though... sometimes I ask myself "what the hell am I doing this for?!" I know the answer. In my child heart I am a dancer and a mover! I can't deny my child self that chance to perform. I would love to act some day... also writing a book?! Who knows I may just do that at some point.

Onward and upward into my day...

Joy filled Pain/ Pain filled Joy?

2009-03-27T11:44:00.000-07:00

One of the things I've learned through this life so far is that we all are going to move out of our bodies at some point (that way of phrasing it may sound denialistic but no one has convinced me yet that death is the end). It's not a choice. It used to make me crazy to think about this. I've had people bluntly tell me that we are all dying sometime so get used to it. These were usually folks who were a little bitter (ya think) or whom were fearful themselves. It was trite and it was painful to hear. I think it is rude that anyone would say that, especially to someone who was in the throes of it. Of course we are "all going to die" but aren't we all living (if we can talk about it anyhow?) Isn't life the goal?! Isn't it important to share the sadness of loss and joy of life?

At one point this was said to me when my dad was very sick and obviously nearing the end of his life as we knew it. He was also suffering which was hard to watch. I remember feeling some relief when he was finally gone for a number of reasons but the clearest reason was that he was no longer suffering and we could finally move on feeling some relief ourselves. His suffering had gone on a lot longer than his illness but he had been in the throes of cardiac failure for 10 years. This brought me to the question. Is it better to know or not know you are dying or someone significant in your life is dying? No answers are clear to me. My first and foremost thought is it depends on who is involved and how it all comes about. My 2nd answer is it's never easy to lose someone no matter what the experience is. I remember one of my former classmates from grade school lost her mom really suddenly... mom was diabetic and had been ill on and off in her life but she lived very fully... they all said it was the best way she could have died... suddenly and in her sleep. No suffering. Her children all felt a terrible loss but a gratitude as well. I guess that is another factor. I don't like suffering and if we can live w/o it that is the way to be.

Right now this is firmly on my mind. A woman I do not know has been blogging about her life with cancer. She is at a point where she will make a crucial decision after 5 years of battling cancer whether or not she will continue treatment. If she discontinues treatment they are telling her that her life will end within a short time (possibly within a few months). It sounds as though the cancer has advanced to a point where she is miserable (or maybe it is the treatments that are making her miserable?). It started as Breast cancer. She found out about it the day she found out she was pregnant with her 5 year old son. They did the biopsy right around that time. She gave birth and started a rigorous treatment program. Now 5 years later it has re-emerged as brain cancer. She has gone through surgery (her blog is vague on the facts) and now is being told her only hope for more time is to do a chemo right into her head. She has struggled with feeling very ill and quality of life has been at a minimum. They are saying that if she does live longer she won't necessarily have more quality and it could be less with the Chemotherapy. She is married happily, has 3 children, a high schooler, a child in early elementary school and a pre-schooler. A community of people are taking the family meals daily and doing what they can to support this family. We will all make efforts to help and support them as much as we possibly can.

Just yesterday I ran into one of her closer friends at the local grocery store... we were both tearful as we discussed the grimness of it all but there was also a feeling of peace and gratitude. Both Stacy and I talked about people who have beat the odds. As well we discussed how our own sorrows and difficulties suddenly feel very light and it seems that life takes on new meaning. Something else that occurred to me as I read "Kathy's" Blog. She has almost no self-pity... she is sharing her journey and is very frank about what is going on. She is has a wealth of gratitude for the love around her and chance to share her story. There is almost a sense that although she is making a choice that holds life and death much closer she is living and is choosing to live. It's uplifting in a way that intellectually seems odd but it still makes sense. I think it makes sense to me more when I look back at times in my life where I was so miserable I wasn't alive I was rather missing out on life altogether and I recall the exact point that I chose to change that perspective, making some different choices that pulled me out of the scrap heap of living dead. Kathy is reminding me that none of us knows if we will see tomorrow and that at least for me I've been given a chance to choose life. It's part of the joy of being in my 40's to relish what has been and know that we don't have forever. I'm fortunate I know... my children are well, my husband is a wonderful man, my home is beautiful and my life is calm most of the time. I admit I like living on the edge but I also really cherish the sweetness of the day to day life that holds it's routine on the circuit of the ordinary. Life gets a little sweeter although sadder too when you are face to face with the detail that life is not forever. I remember a dear older friend telling me that joy does not exist in absence of pain but the good news is pain has it's sweetness too. Thank you Don for those words of wisdom.

Dealing with stress and guilt

2009-03-18T06:15:00.000-07:00

Lately guilt and stress have been at my door. A number of things have hit the fan. There is a pulling from all sides. At times a feeling of imploding... my head spins and my stomach feels empty even when full. Of course I crave something decadent... comfort food. Chocolate, sweet bread, cookies and warm drinks. Problem is it only gives comfort for so long and then it shows on the scale where it gives no comfort. Then I realize the issues are still there. I've gone in search of ways to work through and not just around what is going on.

Nothing is that out of the ordinary... there is just more of it sometimes. Even the things that may be new or daunting are not so new really when I really think about it. I'm beginning to realize there are no big deals... nothing totally earth shattering. How many times have I looked back on something that worried me sick and realized how perfect it all worked out... if only I could have seen it that way while I was going through it? Although I'm no piker when it comes to faith and patience it comes too slowly to me when I need it most. Here is one exercise I really love for looking at those areas of life that seem to weight me down. In my opinion you don't really need to do this to have it help. Sometimes I just stop and visualize the bag and the heaviness of things I'm dealing with and it helps:

http://blog.beliefnet.com/beyondblue/2009/03/video-unload-your-guilt.html

Some of my thoughts, frustrations and inspirations:

I have a few friendships that are not going well. I've struggled and worked at them and there are awkward feelings and a sense that something isn't right. I seem to work harder at making it right. I wonder what I'm doing wrong. I keep coming to the same logical conclusion that I'm doing nothing wrong. I need to let go although I'm not quite sure yet what that means. I have to face them weekly and it's just awkward.

I'm mothering 6 kids. Doing a fantastic job of it. Tim is a partner in all of this so I can't take credit alone but for my part I'm really proud of myself. I love my kids. However... it's a lot of work. There was one person this last week who was highly critical. That hurt. I was injured by the things she said. I found myself very much doubting myself but at the same time realizing that it had to do with what someone else was thinking rather than what was true. I've spent a good deal of time in my life worrying about what other people think rather than dealing with the truth and standing up for myself. I'm a slow learner but I'm making progress. Although I did take her words to heart I also let her know she was being critical and it doesn't help anyone. I also have a fear that if I don't make everyone happy they could make my life miserable. It's no way to live so the change I'm looking at making from now on is to let that fear go. Easier said than done.

There are a couple things going on in my life that are scary. I can't say much about these issues because it leads to a whole lot of fear that isn't productive. A whole lot of anger which isn't productive. A whole lot of unknowns that I've been through in my head and found my way around. I have challenged myself to thinking the best only and working out the details in every way possible to a good ending. None the less there are things on the horizon that feel daunting. These are things I have to give to God. My thought here... "Lord let your mercy be on us, as we place our trust in you!"

Last and probably the most incredible of all of the things I've been looking at the last few days. There was a website sent to me this last week from someone in our PTO. A woman in our midst is very ill. When I read the Caring Bridge website I started at the end of her writing (actually as I read back to the beginning the whole story seemed to have been started at the end of her journey). She has brain tumors. Anyone who knows anything about brain tumors knows that sometimes it doesn't matter if they are malignant or not they are terribly serious. Some benign tumors are worse than cancerous ones. Hers are that type of tumor. Growing fast and robbing her of quality of life. She is facing a decision to let the treatments end. This woman has a 5 year old child, a elementary school age child and a teenager. My heart breaks. How could I ever be wallowing in my own pain when I have life and the decision I have to make are not about the end but possibly more the beginning of something new. How can I resign myself to anything less than joy in my own life. Her writing inspires me to grasp what I'm going through and face it with courage. Obviously whatever I'm going through I have a choice of going on well. She does not. None of her writing is in self-pity so why would I want to feel any self-pity either?! I don't.

I think I've muttered a bit here. My thoughts are not fluid but they do flow. I just needed write some things down. One of my goals is to start a new blog or live journel to talk more about our family process and the joys I have with my kids. They are the miracles that daily remind me that life is a joyful process. I adore my children.

It's March... Spring is springing!

2009-03-03T19:54:00.000-08:00

We have been a family of 8 for over a month now. Adjustment, adjustment, adjustment. This is where we get to the point where most of what is is. The dust has settled... the behaviors are what they are and we move forward to consistent love, discipline and routines. This is also where we begin to tolerate more or less the disruptions to my plan! (This is where I laugh hard!) Foster care is a multiple partnering job but we have the kids. There are visits once a week... some phone calls here and there. The parents whose children are living with us have work to do. The people making the decisions over both the lives of the children and the parents are the people who overall have not spent much time with either. It makes me kind of nuts when I think too much about this set up. So I won't. The best I can do is ensure the children get what they need when they are in our care. We work to give them medical care... food, shelter, stimulation to learn, fun and what else am I forgetting... oh... sleep, baths and we have lots of appointments to address learning delays and physical issues, not to mention ongoing preventive medical care (age 3 comes dental care). We have 4 other children who have their schedules, routines and needs as well that flex and change as time goes on. It has all come together well... in some ways it's a blessing that there are 6. They work together, blending and enriching the atmosphere as we go... it's not all on the us because these children seem to reach each other on a level that the adults cannot get at. Of course there are times it all becomes a little chaotic, a little too much frustration, less cooperation. That ends though... we find balance and on we go.

Okay... now for Spring! I looked the other day at the weather bug. It was talking about Spring. I'm so excited. Even though I looked out my window at that point and all this fuzzy white stuff was coming down... sideways! Oh my! We got about 6 inches of snow!!! How could this be Spring? Well... let me see... A few of my plants, in spite of the white stuff were blooming? A couple of my indoor plants are responding to the fact there is more light out!!! This Saturday we set our clocks forward an hour in response to daylight savings... essentially the end of it. We now have more light which means even though it has snowed it's Spring. Spring with snow is still Spring! I admit I will be even more thrilled when it warms up past the single digits during the day... I will settle for the 50 degree forcast we have coming up soon! Winter is ending! Yipee!

We are 8!!!

2009-02-21T19:09:00.000-08:00

Starting 2009 we had 2 children for respite that had joined us during the summer a few times. I have to say I thought it was nuts to have them coming day 1 2009. My mom was still here from her visit that started on December 18. Although we were at 8 during the summer during her visit with these same children I thought it would be harder during the winter months to entertain and work with 6 children in our home because we would not be able to get them outside, there are more clothes to put on and take off everyone and the winter months leave me a little less motivated. We made it! Eighteen whole days. What was better was it went well inspite of the fact that kidlets were sick a good deal of the time. In fact I think this made it easier strangely enough. We ended up maintaining a low profile and the routine was simple. Thankfully it was nothing more serious than some stomach upset and/or a fever. My mom left on day 5 so she was spared from most of this... 3 of the 6 kids were back in school as well on day 5 out of 18. No missed school days during this time as most of the fever/stomach stuff was limited to the 3 at home. No adults got sick either which was a blessing! Our two little visitors left in good order and it actually felt much easier than it did before they came. We renewed our Foster Care license for the new year and off we went.

Two lovely weeks later we are at 8 people in our home again. Joined now by a 6 month old and a 2 year old. So off we go on another adventure. More about this later!

My first born...

2009-01-31T13:27:00.000-08:00

Twelve years ago I was pregnant. I was 2 weeks past the date of go! Bun in the oven and ready to pop. I could have kept going (I loved being pregnant even the morning sickness was a reminder every day of what was happening inside my body!) They insisted it's not a good idea to go so far past this determined date. He or she had to come out. I loved being pregnant but I also was so looking forward to being a mother. I was also excited for the day to come when my wonderful spouse would be placed in the ranks of being a daddy! It was so exciting! Tim was approaching this with a bit more of a serious mindset! We were great for each other. Just when I'd tense up he'd lighten up the journey!

Then we decided we'd let the doctor take a few steps to get this child moving out into the world. It was a very difficult decision since I had not felt in any way any pressure from my insides. I had been walking vigorously and jumping up and down. I wondered if maybe they made a mistake on this due date? They told me they would only use natural methods of getting her to budge. First a gel that would do what my body was not doing to get labor started. Then with no luck there they broke my water. Then it all started. The big owie. I was so unprepared. Nurses were nowhere to be found as I went through each pain with increasing agitation (I think the were getting back at me for doing this birth au natural. This was not a town or a hospital that took well to my modern approach to giving birth. They acted as if I was taking too much control over this process) I had not eaten since 8 that morning and we were now embarking on 8 at night with no vigorous movement only pain. Finally around 11 p.m. a nurse arrives and tells me I should relax because the labor pains will only intensify and I could rip my uterus if I don't let go. I wanted to rip her face off. "Where were you several hours ago when this all started to roll like my body was being torn asunder!" I could only think these words though because it was too hard for me to mentally get much past screaming. Finally at 1:47 in the a.m. on the 31st of January after my body finally gave way to letting this baby out "she" was born with a few extra pushes helped along by a suction. I was worn out and seriously doubting my sanity. Oh my!!! Words fail me in describing this moment where I first became a parent.

My father-in-law and my mother were outside the door. In they bolted exhausted but determined to see her right after her debut! Before I could get my insides returned to normal I greeted them as they watched her being cleaned up a bit. She was healthy at 7 lbs 6.7 oz's and ready for a vigorous cry! She was the most beautiful child I'd ever seen (pooh-pooh on the nurse that told me not to cringe when I see her because many parents think their child is ugly???!!!) We were so greatful to God for this small blessing and still keep counting our blessings. She slept well. She ate well! She is a blossoming beauty at 12. Again Thank you God for our baby girl!

My birthday boy!!!! 3 years old

2008-11-10T07:51:00.000-08:00

Here he is! Amazing, beautiful and fun!!! We are in love more and more each day. He reminds us what it is all about as we rise to hear him squealing and laughing every morning. He brings us so much joy! Happy Birthday Mr. Andrew!!!

For the Love of a Rake

2008-11-06T14:56:00.000-08:00

I didn't want summer to go. I was upset with this change of season. For me summer left too early... I was seeing Autumn as a precursor to death! It's a season that brings in the cold, the fruit stands close up, other markets as well close for the season, it seemed that things were going to end up drab and lifeless. Then as I was raking the first leaves of Fall I begin to think and look around me. As I'm gliding through I begin to understand. I feel a vibration. I fall in love! I'm not even disappointed after awhile as I dance the vibration that the darn wind is pulling more leaves off the trees as I'm raking. I begin to hit the tree limbs and bring down a deluge. The pile of leaves build in the street as I push more and more to this end point (the borough comes by and picks them up for mulching right off the street how lucky can I get). Well I'm excited! Tomorrow is another day and I can rake again! It's definitely Autumn, nothing I can do about and really at this point nothing I want to do about it! It's Glorious! I realize that this time of the year signals the grandiosity of nature. Nature that is much more bold than any other time of the year. She spreads color and then drops her creation all over. The winds blow, the temperature drops. The world seems to get a little moody but all in all I feel life smiling and dancing. The music is in my head when I see this wondrous party come to life!

Well there have been two more days of raking. Leaves are still falling. This morning when I looked out the yard (both front and back) were mostly covered with a blanket of leaves. The excitement built again and I spent a cumulative couple of hours raking. My younger daughter got into it and shared my excitement... "I made a path!" she said as she pulled the rake several times down part of the yard and pushed the leaves onto the side walk. I was glad to see that this excitement was shared. Some innocence as well that I love to see in my children!

There were many metaphors that rattled through my brain as I looked on my leaf load today. I realized there were Greek Myth that called to mind the uselessness of what I was doing. The lesson in futility! Sisyphus. Rolls the ball up the hill only to have it roll right back down and he is doomed to failure for eternity. I'm thinking of some of the more somber moments and somber people I've been around this last week... I'm thinking of the glass half full metaphor as well. I get to decide how I look at this. The most prolific metaphor I can think of at this point though is the fact we are all called to work in this life. We can point, stare, cry and twiddle our thumbs at the "leaves that fall and build over and over in our life" or we can rake with enthusiasm... even half the enthusiasm really is better than none some days.

As I raked through the election day and on into the next day I realized that no matter who won I would not feel entirely "glad". I had definitely cast my vote. My greatest consternation was that many people had misinformation about their chosen candidate and the "other" guy. I found myself checking the internet against the "facts" I received. No amount of "truth" was going to dis-sway anyone from whom they had placed their faith in. Issues took presidence and some sticky ones are always at the helm. No matter, all we can do is really have faith in what truth does work it's way through to the end result. We have a man who will take that highest seat. The bottom line is though we all have to take our own job in this life seriously... we all have to find our own peace with what we have. This has been a time of loss in the last months. It's due to greed, it's due to things outside the grasp of most of us. We didn't cause it persay but we have to live with it.

As I finished my leaf raking today I realized that for the love of a rake I had found my own answers to this dilemma. I want to face life today, tomorrow and on down the line this winter and on and continue to find that golden rake that will help me sift through and do my job with joy and a vibration. I wish this for everyone. Look to find the music in the air and dance with nature and the chores of the day to realize how wondrous and beautiful everything and every one around you really is and I guarantee you the results will be good. As one of my friends used to say "try it and if it doesn't work we will refund your misery without haste!"

Aleana turns 8!

2008-10-12T13:16:00.000-07:00

This is my sweet 8 year old girl. Oh my how time flys. I just marvel at all my kids. The brightness, the charm, the intelligence, the rugged individuals that they are. How amazing! I'm blessed beyond belief. Happy Birthday sweet Angel!

Fall is coming...

2008-09-25T12:51:00.000-07:00

Trying to distract myself. I'm still in the restless mode. Possibly it's the fall season that has me wanting to work to bring some change... seasons change the weather, the landscapes, the mood and although sometimes in my life things change w/o having to work at it other times it's important to be sure to plant, sow and reap in my own life. Today we recieved a packet of information on the local SWAN program and I'm hoping there is information we can make useful to move ahead with another adoption. I don't doubt we are moving towards this right now but I really need to make sure I'm open and not missing the cues. I also want to make sure I'm not to hasty or impatient? Being 45 right now doesn't help me though. Because I married at 32 and started having children at 34 I'm a late bloomer. I also know that 45 is the new 35 : )

With that said onward and upward with Fall and with adoption again! Went to buy some beautiful mums today... absolutely gorgeous! Some little pumpkins adorn the sidewalk by the side door. I'm moving towards beauty and abundance!

Getting Restless here...

2008-09-22T08:32:00.000-07:00

As I've discussed here we are foster parents. When we were in AZ we pursued foster care as a means of adoption. We adopted Andrew when we got to PA through the state of AZ (late last year). It took us awhile to get to court on this. I'm not exactly sure why the wheels turn so slowly for this process but it seems it almost always does. Possibly it's part of the larger plan to integrate children into permanent homes with care? Who knows but we are so happy that Andrew is with us! He's a wonderful Gift from above.

In any event we have been looking to adopt again... one or two children (single or siblings, any race, any gender, open to medical issues with some caution). Foster care has been slow. We received a call on a child that was pre-adoptive but in the end we pursued this child and sibling but they only wanted to place him with us. That was the last we heard about it. There is always this lack of information and doors shut tight. We have not gotten a call on fostering since December. Prior to that we had a child that had come to us in February (she left in December when our current foster son Q came to live with us... Q will not be staying as he has 3 siblings and they will pursue placement with he and his siblings together and we are not the right home for them). I won't be critical of the system. I believe they are doing the best they can with what time and information they gather about their foster families. They are there to keep children safe and return them to their parents or families. They are not there to work with us on our goals. However...

Tim and I know our hearts and our capabilities. If we wait I'm thinking we are truly not doing what God intended for us to do. I feel restless, I feel pulled to do more. There are so many children waiting to be adopted and many who are coming into the system daily. I cannot wait anymore just working with the system as it is... Maybe we just needing to do some poking and get them to do a little more and be more aware of us as a foster/adopt family? (right now it's hard at our agency because they have two girls going out on maternity leave which puts them down to 2 caseworkers and a supervisor... dynamite people but that short changes them for completing all the paperwork, fulfilling the bureaucratic quota for this and that, and doing what is the larger job of taking care of the children they are entrusted with through the state) Maybe we need to move on? Is there a way to reach beyond where we are, to other parts of the state system but remain with the people we are working with? Maybe the answer is somewhere in there?

I went to Swan internet site here for PA. I saw 4 children that I just fell in love with. There were many many many children on this site and many who are not listed there. I made a call today to get more information on the SWAN program and got some answers on what we can do to work within the state to adopt again. We are not opposed in any way to fostering to adopt.... we just want to be know that we are going to meet our goal of adoption at some point again. There are too many children who need homes for us to sit here and dally around when we are willing and ready to adopt. It's not fair to them it's not fair to us. So off we go again.

I talked with Tim about this. He's a little hesitant only because he doesn't want us to have to start over or begin anew and waste time. He really thinks we can pursue this from where we are. I would like a smooth process as well. I don't want to do something that is unnecessary. We really love the folks we are working with and we don't want to damage that relationship. So prayers for us that we move carefully but not waste time. While I don't think we have wasted time thus far we need to move ahead to a new plan that gets us in touch with one of those 3 children or even another child who needs a loving permanent home! I'm ready! There is/are a child(ren) out there for us.

School begins

2008-08-25T09:28:00.000-07:00

Tuesday is the big day. I'm off on a cleaning fit. I have to laugh. I went into the girls corner where they store their stuff. We obviously had not been there at least in part since school ended this last year. I went into my 7 year olds back pack and found some really interesting food stuffs. She had chips and they were in the original bag but they looked more like a candy bar. One big lumpy square of brown. EWWWW! Then my older daughter had something in a baggy in her dance bag. It was as well brown and fairly uniform but seriously unrecognizable. There were a couple water bottles that leaked in their bags so I'm thinking that whatever was going on was some metamorphosis related to the combining of water and whatever.

So laundry day here. I'm going to be getting them ready for school in the morning. Then we will be going off to the library. There is a school open house tonite. My older daughter will have an open house later I know but they usually ask that we not come as a family which bugs me. One of us stays home with the kiddos. Tim went last year so I think I will go this year if possible. I guess I can understand with this being a big school they don't want everyone to bring their siblings and grandmothers but why would we get a baby sitter (why would everyone want to get a baby sitter?!) just for a couple hours of school activity.

2008-08-20T21:30:00.000-07:00

Another week gone. I spent the beginning of this one getting our ducks in a row for when school begins; getting new clothes, supplies and marking the calendar with open house dates and times. Also learned that our oldest will be taking 4 hours of dance a week. I was upset at first about this, it was more than I thought she would be doing. It made sense though when I read the paperwork for her classes. She auditioned for a competitive dance team and they sent us the required classes. She will be taking two hours related to her "home group" which is the group level she is involved in. As well she will be taking two hours of dance related to Tap and Jazz. the two areas of competition. It's actually going to work out fine. It is going to cost a bit more than I had planned on spending for dance but it is worth every penny. Good exercise, a disciplined learning experience with some challenge (but not too much) and she will derive a sense of confidence from this as well. This is her focus right now for extracurricular activity and something she enjoys. Our younger daughter will take one tap class. She is excited about it and it is something new to her. While she was involved in dance at the Theatre Academy last year this is a much more focused discipline for her and something she looks forward to. She can decide from there if she wants to get involved with a team or take on more dance as time goes on. She will be able to build on this experience. I also have a dance class one night a week. Took this class last year and enjoyed it. Hopefully I will again. While I'm not thrilled with the idea of a recital in the Spring I will endure.

I also put some dates on the Calender for the boys. Our youngest will be evaluated the first week in September to see if he needs any help with developmental skills. As he turns 3 in November they will be transitioning him to a classes outside the house if he does need services. I'm going to guess he will not need any additional services and can join a regular pre-school when the time comes w/o extra therapies. Our foster son was evaluated and they are sending him to Head Start this year. He will be in two years of HS before going to a regular kindergarten class room. Although he does not meet the 25% delay criteria for special therapies he is seen to be at risk for developmental and behavioral problems due to his being in the foster care system. It is not so much him as it is the fact that children who are in foster care have extra stressors and challenges. With head start we will have an open house early in September so he can meet his teachers and get acquainted with the classroom and then we also have meetings in our home. I'm not quite sure what the home meetings are about but we will find out.

I'm in the process now of listening to some audio tapes in the car. Love and Logic -- www.loveandlogic.com --. I was given these CD's about a month ago. I tossed them aside after hearing a brief summation of this parenting style. Sounded too simplistic and I didn't need it at the time. Suddenly this last week I realized our foster son and our son are becoming a bit more challenging as they time goes on. I needed something fresh to inspire. I thought it couldn't hurt to listen to the tapes and see if there is something that will be helpful to this developmental stage. Well what I've heard so far in the first 45 minutes is wonderful and I will elaborate more in another post about it. I highly recommend this study.... it takes a great deal of stress out of parenting and gives a good focus for helping kids to learn and grow. Really it is nothing new although their tactics go a bit farther than I'm used to going with allowing my kids find natural consequences to their behaviors. The tapes did give me a sense that I'm on the right track. It is support and inspiration on the road to loving these boys.

Summer... woooosh!

2008-08-13T17:00:00.000-07:00

Our summer is going well... we have had so many new things to see and so many places to go. I cannot believe that the school year is about to start even though we have had such a full summer. I get a little sad about it. We get so into enjoying the summer ease and go-when-and-where-we-want schedule that the change to a ritual time and place oriented school year feels like sandpaper grating on my mind. Summer as well just went so fast. The Summer last year seemed to go on forever. I wonder if it had to do with the fact we were involved heavily in theatre events for the girls and somehow I buried myself in the newness of life in PA. Only our first full summer in PA. Wooosh... there went this summer.

Some of the things we did:

Some dance classes and auditions for a dance group
"Bama" was here for 28 days. The kids had a great fill of Grandma time.
Visited Hershey Park and on another day Chocolate World and Museaum
Strasburg Train Ride
Gettysburg Battle field tour
A couple picnic dinners
Dinners with a couple friends that were great fun
Science Center at the Maryland Inner Harbour
Shopping in Lancaster (Amish area)
All you can eat Crab dinner (whoa... this was new for us!)
A couple Farmer's Market visits
Ikea
Trader Joe's

Some wonderful points of passage for the kiddos:

Graduating from Speech Therapy for our 2 year old son!
and Potty training (we are not quite "there" yet)
Our 7 year old finally mastering her 2 wheel bike (woo hoo!!!!)
Our foster son was evaluated and is not needing special services
(He will go into head start in the fall and is excited about it)
We had 2 extra kids this summer for 19 days which made us a family
of 8!!!
Our older daughter auditioning for a dance troupe and making the decision to
move on form her theatre studio to focus on dance.

I know it's not over yet and we are still making discovery and doing fun new things. I just feel as though my time to post is fleeting so I wanted to update before we start school. School begins on the 26th which is so close at hand. I will finalize my summer vacation post after that...

Potty Training

2008-06-28T11:57:00.001-07:00

Our little guy is taking the process slowly. He is enjoying his exploration of the realm of bathroom behavior. While I find the process somewhat unnerving at times (I don't like cleaning up after the accidents, at this point washing his hands is the only consistent thing he does and water is so much fun for him!) None-the-less I'm more relaxed than I was with my girls. One new thing for me is He is calling the shots, I had no patience with my girls but I'm letting the process take it's course with him. I hear about the parents that say they do-it-in-a-day, I whinge! I finally grilled one of these proud mom's who said this and she admitted it's not that easy. Of course the child was trained but they were not totally done with their efforts to make it a lifetime habit.

Our little guy has not been dry through the night yet, there have been times he has gotten up and has not yet pooped so on the potty he goes first thing. He is so proud of himself. He loves to look down and say "poopy come out"... in a sing-songy voice. He pushes his belly as he smiles through his efforts. He is now trying to do the standing up gig to pee but it has not worked yet. His torso is right up on the edge of the potty so it's difficult for him to get through the process (he looks at potty chairs as undignified, he wants the real thing). We took a trip to MA a few months back and for a few days he was consistently staying dry. We took him to the potty often and we were able to stay with it throughout the day. I think he got bored. He decided to stop. It just wasn't fun anymore and he was forced to stop what he was doing to get to the bathroom. I decided to let him take a break. He wasn't in charge of those efforts and I'm not sure he was fully recognizing the "urge" or if we were just getting him there in time and he'd cooperate. Now the light is going on more in his eyes and he is feeling the process more.

There is part of this "training" I'm convinced that is meant to train the adults too. We are back to basics. We are having to learn patience again... figure out how to approach a new phase of our parenting skills (some parents approach the reward method or the holding back rewards for those times things don't go smoothly, also what about those obviously deliberate accidents that coincide with anger at mom and/or dad). There are those wonderful successes and the rite of passage as we watch our little ones suddenly master a goal and make the decision to move on into "big boy/girl pants". While it makes life a little easier it also has the bittersweet side when we realize that the evolution toward dating is that much closer. Egad!

Fish!

2008-06-13T14:47:00.000-07:00

One of our new loves is our fish! Started with a couple little tropical fish that we planned on keeping in a bowl. When we arrived home I cringed thinking that they would die and really not thrilled with that thought I asked some "experts" how to keep them alive. Well the 98 cent fish plan went up several digits and we then had a 10 gallon tank, filter, all the salves and goo that keeps it clean, the tools for easy maintenance, rocks, nooks and colorful doodads to adorn the fish home. Of course then we needed more fish.

After getting 11 fish (one more than recommended for the tank) we lost almost all of them slowly. Got more and lost several of those. Finally I went to the store and asked what might be going wrong with the guppies. The Tetra's seemed to be doing alright but the guppies were disappearing. Yes, simply disappearing. We did find a few on the bottom or top of the tank floating but most of them were just... gone?! Someone said they had disintegrated somehow... others thought maybe they were sucked into the filter? Still other's said the tetra's may be eating them? So we don't know but we have theories.

Well as we were finally figuring out a plan to keep our new angelfish, the 3 tetras, 1 Pleco and 1 male guppy alive we got word that someone was needing to find a new home for a 29 gallon tank that had 3 cichlids (one gold and two convicts) and large pleco. I quickly asked if we may be that new home at the same time wondering if I had lost my mind. The woman had had these fish for quite awhile and the tank since she was in her teens. She was newly pregnant with her 2nd child and could not do the upkeep. Her pregnancy was a risky one and she decided to give her pets to us.

I brought the tank and the fish to our home. The tank needed a total overhaul. I emptied it totally and cleaned it thoroughly. Our new pets had to live in a bucket for a few days (I was told that they could live this way for up to a week). Fish back in their tank they have enjoyed being with us for the last month. No morbidity on the part of the fish and no problems on our end either. The kids have enjoyed the new tank. Our 10 gallon tank as well is maintaining it's status of life.

Believe me I never thought I would enjoy fish but they really are wonderful. I had thought about how relaxing a tank can be and all the joy of seeing these creatures, alive, in our home. I just didn't think it was something I'd put my soul into actually doing. Well we did. It's a blessing!

Life on the Ranch...

2008-06-11T20:18:00.000-07:00

Well it's definitely summer now. We hit a couple of days with the 90's and into the high humid range. Very uncomfortable. I had to nearly pass out before it dawned on me that we needed a better plan to stay cool. Air conditioning is wasted effort for the few days of heat here so we use the window air conditioners. That works to a point. Then we finally got to the pool for the latter hotter part of the day and layed out "camp" for the night in the living room where it was cooler. More iced liquids and a few outings to cooler places during the week. On our 2nd trip to the pool I lost my shoes or more likely they were taken. I had them in a spot near my towel and then when I returned from the cool waters they were gone. I hope they turn up on our next trip in the lost and found.

We finally are done with dance for the spring. The girls had their play "Children of Eden"... then there was a dance recital for my oldest daughter and then my recital this last weekend. So much fun but alot of hard work. We were planning on taking a break this next fall from the theatre to explore dance classes and it was a fortunate decision since the Center for the Arts have their teachers moving to NY, heading to Broadway (Good luck Claire and Eric). As well the director decided to leave because of changes and budget cuts. The future of the kids theatre is uncertain right now although I know it will revive. We had taken a few dance classes already at another studio so we can fall in there with ease.

Now we have two weeks with nothing more then the bare necessities to tend to (but of course we are doing some fun things... going to the pool, grocery shopping at Trader Joe's, a few times to Star bucks and we got a couple more fish for the tank). If you go to Trader Joe's be sure to get the Brownie bites with sea salt and the Joe Joe's. Oh heaven on earth!

Coming up is two weeks of Theatre/Dance Camp for the girls, a trip to Hershey Park, a visit from "Bama" (my mother). We want to get to the Zoo in Washington, Aquarium in Baltimore, Science Center and a find something new to do. We've done all those things and love those places but we will certainly venture to a new place. Visiting with some friends is a must. I now am officially a grill girl who loves to cook out in the back yard. I cleaned that dirty thing up yesterday and I'm ready for more.

I wanted to say Thank you to Chad for publicly taking time to recognize our work as foster/adopt parents. It's an honor to all fostering and adoptive parents when someone recognizes even one of us. We are the lucky ones who have been graced by the beauty of each child in our lives but we do give our hearts to each little person who comes into our lives.

More later...

Ahhhh! Spring!

2008-04-20T18:43:00.000-07:00

I will tell you since our move I have loved life much more thoroughly than I did in Arizona. Truely I did live in Arizona and I did accept life there but I remember as a child pretending I lived somewhere else and when we would back east or really anywhere that had trees, grass and even a small amount of humidity that meant thriving plants, flowers and trees I was so much happier. That was where my heart lived. Arizona does have green but it's not the same. The natural order of things in Arizona is desert... that is truely the way it's supposed to be. Those with green lawns and a larger amount of fauna and flora had to rob the water table to keep it so. The desert can be beautiful and the spring has it's own natural mystery and beauty it's just didn't reach the depth of my soul like it does here. This is home.

I must say before I continue my ode to the joy of spring that this last winter was very trying. A large part of it was that we really did not get that much snow (which really is what makes winter). There was too much ice and slush and cold rain. I was working to keep our heating bills down so I kept the thermostat at around 60 - 65 but I still paid high bills (well the darn rates went up and I will tell you it's highway robbery to be cold and pay between 300 and 600 in heating bills a month. My brain seems to shut down. A bear-like trait of hybernation of the senses. I couldn't think and I ran out of energy to generate creative ways to survive the cold. I found myself just waiting on the spring. Soooo...

Well it's spring! Yippppppeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! The flowers are blooming. It is between 40 and 70 outside. Wonderful to breathe in the lovely scent of life blossoming in the air. My brain has thawed out and I'm again alive with it all. My sense are awake... I can see everything in bloom, feel the warmth, touch the live movable earth (planting flowers), smell the fragrant blossoms and even hear the birds, wind and lawnmowers. It's all music to my soul. I can hardly wait for the farmers markets to open back up. I will dig out all my shorts and feel the sun on my skin again with the touch of dew and beauty of warm days that move to cool nights where we can bbq and enjoy the summer evenings outside. Then come the fire flys! Whoa! The beauty that inspires! I'm just in love with it all... it was worth waiting for. I will tend my garden, pour mulch in my flower beds, mow the lawn and pull weeds as they come up so I can feel and touch the earth some more. The parks are everywhere waiting for the kids to play all we need to do is decide which one to go to. How special we feel to be part of all this.

My 7 year old is a joy to watch. She found her first caterpiller this last week. She has made dozens of bouquets of dandylion flowers, picked buckets of purple wildflowers and dug in the brown earth to find more life that lives deeper in the soil. I learn from her as I watch her cherish the living earth. She has danced in the rain (well she danced in the snow too although there wasn't much of it). She can't seem to get enough of it. I'm in awe of her.

So off we go to revel in the spring and begin our long summer of joy!

Martian Child

2008-04-01T11:33:00.000-07:00

I read the book back in 2005 I think it was. Possibly 2004? I was at a 2nd hand bookstore and the adoption section was right next to the kids books (how convenient!). As my two daughters sat and read I went and explored. The book "Martian Child" jumped out at me. I started reading it as I sat in the kids section. At that point we were on the way to being foster parents and adopting but as of yet had not gotten all of our paperwork through the bureaucracy. I was trying to avoid "points of view" that colored foster parenting with a negative hue. I so believe that it's important to know all you can know but at the same time I believe it's important to go into things with some positive truth from the heart. Up to this point I had had my fill of the negative.

So there I was carefully reading this book and I couldn't put it down. David's writing held me captive although there was one chapter I struggled with. It likely was my difficulty in understanding the depth of what was going on from my inexperienced point of view. His metaphor and meaning hit me deeply. He had a sense of humour and a grasp on life renewed through adoption. He was unfailing in his love but true to the depth of his frustrations.

I was disappointed though in the movie. I don't think it did justice to the book or the subject matter. I adore John Cusack and Joan Cusack... Bobby Coleman, the child star in the movie did a superb job. All are very talented and I was inspired by the movie at times but overall it disappointed. Now as a foster parent, foster/adopt parent and a continuing advocate of fostering I thought it left too much open and unexplained for those who don't know what it is like. The story line was changed possibly because society isn't ready for the truth (sadly enough!). While the truth may have muddied the waters of what this was really about there were some parts of the book that needed to be explored more thoroughly. The issue of family needs to be challenged though overall so I think the truth needs to be told more fully or not modified to such an extent that it's so politically correct. Where was the wonderful Jewish grandmother? Far too many of the struggles were watered down and the joys not explored enough. "Somewhere" was not given his rightful role. He was such an important part of things, the four legged peacemaker. Moreso Dennis was so much more real and less Martian in the book although yes, this was his deep cover and a hugely intelligent cover at that which the movie did explore. I just wanted more of the human endeavors that were shown in the book.

I recommend the book be read first and then watch the movie on DVD. After it is over watch the special features so you can see the Author and Dennis in real life. And then see how the movie was made and the inspiration in how it was made. I think going beyond the movie into the world of parenthood and childhood by seeing how Bobby was discovered and how he so courageously took on this role gave more meaning to the movie. Children are so under rated in our society... so under appreciated for what they are. So in the end I think it is important to see this movie then dig a bit deeper and find inspiration in the special features grasp a bit more of what it's all about.

Spring Break

2008-03-27T15:04:00.000-07:00

Well it wasn't much of Spring. We went to Massachusetts for 8 days. I wondered what possessed me to agree to going to MA in what would be a 20 to 30 degree week? Why did I even think of going North? Had I lost my mind!?!

Actually I do know what gave me the notion of going to MA. I focused on the wonderful world of New England! I imagined American History (a love I've had since the the 5th grade)... Boston a big city, being able to connect to the ocean, Cape Cod, Martha's Vineyard. I just wasn't connecting with the notion that it really isn't the time of the year to fully enjoy those things.

The good news: No Crowds!!! Plenty of indoor things to do! It didn't actually get as cold as we thought it would. We visited with two sets of friends. Doughnuts are plentiful there! (or is that bad news... they have Dunkin Doughnuts every half mile!) Boston is wonderful! The accents of some of the people just thrilled me to no end... I wasn't disappointed! Pahkin ya cah is wicked hahd! Giggle!!!! We got to thoroughly enjoy some Thai food which I hadn't had in almost 2 years since we haven't found a place in PA that specializes in it yet (MA is multicultural)! The last day we were there they opened Plimouth Plantation and we were able to go there and enjoy... it was warm that day! I learned to read maps (I'm usually so challenged to figure out roads and highways but I actually did it!)

The not so good news: Many areas of Cape Cod and Martha's Vineyard don't open until April (It worked out since we were able to spend more time doing other things and we got the lay of the land for future crowded summer visits to CC and MV. It was still disappointing though.). It was in fact cold for the most part and the beach was pretty hard to enjoy. It rained two days so we were not only cold but wet a few times.

The Highlights: Boston Aquarium, Woodshole Aquarium, Boston Kid's Museum, Easton Kids Museum, Cape Cod, Martha's Vineyard, Thai Food, Plimouth Plantation and the Mayflower II, Falmouth Shopping Area, Visiting with Chris and Paul. Visiting with Dorothy and Marty. Sleeping in a warm cabin and enjoying time as a family.

Mind you we had 4 kids with us on this trip. The two oldest got their fill since many of the things we did were geared to them. They were open to learning, shopping, eating fun food and running around Plimouth Plantation. The boys ages 2 and 3 were challenged by the limitations of having to stick close to the big people. They had trouble with the limitations of being 2 and not being able to just cross those railings, touch that glass object and vocally expressing themselves how and when they wanted to. Andrew did delight us and have a few good days of going potty in the potty and his key phrase was "poopy come out!" He would giggle and strain to make this occur. He at one point told me as he pointed to his belly button "mommy push my belly there!" Our little foster son was overjoyed to see the ocean and ran up and down the beaches that we stopped at. He loved his sleeping bag and he took great pride in being with "daddy". The boys love "daddy" and this was a spectacular experience for them to get so much time with Tim.

We look forward to future trips away from our new home. We are carving out new niches in our experience since the east coast is not familiar to us as of yet. This was a positive move forward for us to know we can venture out and explore. It was also exciting to know with our larger family base we are able to handle and enjoy as we explore.

Random Thoughts

2008-03-06T12:22:00.000-08:00

My little boy was sick this week. Took him to the docs office Tuesday and they were able to get him turned around. He likely has bronchitis but this little boy is challenged with Asthma type symptoms (has not been diagnosed as of yet) whenever he gets sick. He was having a very hard time breathing. His lungs were tight and coughing was painful to watch and listen to. He strained so hard he was using his whole body to cough. He is on an antibiotic that I believe has helped and we had to increase the number of albuterol treatments we do for him. We also use Prendisone in his nebulizer daily. Usually these treatments are frustrating for both of us. He doesn't like to sit through them and if he sits well at all for this treatment I have to have something entertaining on the DVD so he can focus on it. These are times where he is well and not showing any symptoms. We are supposed to do the Prendisolone daily and the albuterol as needed (I prefer the inhaler when we just need it once or twice in a day). Well Tuesday he not only sat the whole time w/o anything on the DVD but he would fall asleep. He slept most of the day. The only plus side was I was able to hold him for long periods of time and just look at him almost like when he was newborn. He is just the most precious boy. Sweet wisps of strawberry blonde hair, beautiful brown eyes, sweet rosy lips and a chubby little round face. He was a little snuggle bunny. So sweet! I was glad when he found his energy and vibrancy again but I do miss the sweet armful of baby boy that was willing to lay there for a duration of time. He is doing much better now but at times he will still let me hold him for few minutes while he sips out of his cup. Childhood woooshes by so fast and I thrill at the moments when I can slow down a bit and watch it more closely and marvel at it.

Dance fever...

2008-02-27T19:37:00.000-08:00

I recently decided to take up a dance class. Then someone told me about another class that sounded compatible with the first one so I decided to take two. How bold am I! Two nights a week sounded like a great way to start moving more creatively. I also wanted to find out if I could actually move in an organized manner. I knew that it would likely involve coordination. I thought if nothing else I could work in the direction of learning and gaining some confidence in myself. But wow did I end up disappointed. The class I was enjoying the most was cancelled after 6 weeks. In those 6 weeks I do believe I gained some knowledge of basic dance steps but I wasn't able in those 6 weeks to do most of the steps. I really felt the learning curve was a large one. At one point my 11 year old daughter was with me and although I know she was proud I was there and only wanting to strut her own knowledge after 1 1/2 years of taking classes at this studio, she took me to task with a flourish for being so clumsy, telling me I wasn't paying attention. I stopped her at one point and said "will you knock that off... this is really humiliating to be in this class right now!" She looked at me, eyes wide and didn't say another word. I knew she understood but still I had been taken down a notch. My eyes, my brain and my body did not want to work together to process the information I was getting from this very skilled teacher. At one point we were supposed to kick high, head in the air off to one side with our arms moving in another direction and move across the floor taking these steps several times then turn around and reverse that pattern. I know that part of the problem was that I was in front of my peers and as well I don't think I've had to use my brain and body together in that way since early childhood in my ballet class. In spite of this I was disappointed that the class ended. I knew the humiliation would have continued in that class but I was up for the challenge. My other dance class continues. I remind myself "don't quit today". This class is more repititious which gives me a chance to learn and gather my footing more carefully yet it still goes too fast sometimes for me to really "get it all". I do see progress (sometimes more than others). The teacher is so gentle and encouraging. In spite of the frustration I think maybe I'm doing okay?! In the end we will be doing a recital (I haven't had the nerve to ask who will be in the audience yet. I don't know if I want to know yet how public this will be.)

The other day I was talking to a dear friend about my feelings and the disappointment I feel every so often with the dancing. I don't know what I wanted really when I started. Who doesn't feel at times that finding hidden talents and sudden fame would be ideal but really there was a strong part of me that just wanted self expression. She said I really needed belly dancing or some dance movement that inspired and gave me a sense of the feminine. I agree with her. An inner part of me... the intuitive and inspired part of me needs that. I have to acknowledge I would love to be a performer but not necessarily for showing off. I want to show my more creative side... I'd love to be able to express myself creatively through dance. Even more I'd love to be able to sing and dance but I won't even venture to open my mouth in an attempt at harmony at this point unless I'm in the shower alone so dance seems like the safest bet. The jury is still out though.

I think it's important now that I have a family, a very devoted spouse and a busy life within that realm to take some time to finally figure out more about my own talents, and move towards something on my own for an hour or so a week. I know I'm not a craft person. I know that I do love to write but haven't quite found my way around that yet in more than a few poems, my journal and possibly my blog. Again my mantra comes up "don't quit today". I believe I was led to this dance class. There is a spark of light in me that says I wasn't supposed to continue the other class but it was supposed to lead me to this one that I'm continuing with? I believe it but then I find it hard to believe in myself sometimes. I got myself into this and I want to exit with more confidence that I can complete what I started. Last fall I took an acting class and that was fun. It was only the very beginnings of knowing what acting is all about yet I was able to do some skits with the acting group and as well a monologue "Melanie" who was an extremely self-absorbed shop-girl. I shocked myself in the end. I not only completed the class but I got out of myself and actually "acted". Wow! So when I falter I remember how insane I thought that was and I did it !

I've again have had to re-think my life. I have spent so long thinking that there is something I need to do. Well maybe I'm doing it... maybe it wasn't meant to be done any differently up to now and from now on? Who knows that I won't end up eventually finding a way to expand my brain and my life to include dancing and acting? In the end if nothing else is accomplished having completed the acting class and in working my way through the dance class to a recital I will have the knowledge that I did it. I hopefully will have a bit more coordination in the end although right now I feel as though I'm on the slow end of getting there but what's wrong with that? Maybe I'm on the fast end of getting to something else much more fulfilling? I want to be able to tell people that even though I wasn't another Lena Horne in the end I did get to know who Anne was a bit better and well I like that girl. She succeeded in finding some creative outlets and adding "dancer" and "actor" to her usual repertoire of who I have been so far. It's fun to not only find creative new ways to move but also creative new ways to think in the process too!

tagged someone else to make 5!

2008-02-21T14:36:00.000-08:00

Emily... hello! I hope you make it here. I'm very new to blogging so there is not much content here yet, I really enjoyed reading yours.

http://secretburning.livejournal.com/

Check below for rules of being tagged and tagging others. Have fun!

and one more makes 4!

2008-02-20T16:32:00.000-08:00

http://90degreesatmidnight.blogspot.com/ Clisby hello! Information on the tag is down below.

Okay... enough about not feeling well!

2008-02-20T09:40:00.001-08:00

Health is an interesting topic particularly when I don't feel all that healthy. My view is that no matter how I feel my body is heading toward optimum health. Detoxing... renewing and all so I will change the view I have of this nasty stuff I'm dealing with and foward to health and change on all levels!

and another one for the tag....

2008-02-20T09:33:00.000-08:00

http://ruthtopple.blogspot.com/

Hi Ruth... I hope you make it here!

Anne

So far I have found two people who blog....

2008-02-19T10:23:00.000-08:00

two people who were not mentioned by Pep!

1) Deanna http://www.away2me.typepad.com/

2) Bek: http://www.ignorethecrazy.blogspot.com/

I have been tagged...

2008-02-19T05:59:00.000-08:00

I've been tagged by Pep! Please visit her Blog at http://peprmntpatti120.blogspot.com/
Once tagged, link back to the person who tagged you. Post the rules on your blog. Post 7 random or weird facts about yourself on your blog. Tag 7 people and link to them. Comment on their blog to let them know they have been tagged.

7 random things about me...

I've seen snakes near my home AZ, had one in my house in AZ and lived through the fear to talk about it. A rattler no less /faint!

I am/was a licensed Substance Abuse Counselor (was because I let it lapse once I decided to stay home with kiddos)

I love Sushi!

I drink tea every day... have not had coffee in about 10 years.

My favorite color (I guess it's not a color though?) is black. I find it warm and safe and expansive!

My secret ambition has been to work as a Barista and a coffee hub, maybe even own one of those great places... they are great places where people gather

I really want to be able to dance and sing (at this point it's something I'm working towards and I'm not very good at it)

I will post later those I tag because Pep tagged the only people I know with Blogs. I'm so new to this that I don't know that many people with blogs. I may have to meet some new bloggers : )

Another day with a bug...

2008-02-18T19:03:00.000-08:00

Well I made it through another day. Woke up feeling alright but I had had a few coughing fits in the night and was awake for too long in the dark hours. I was not rested. I had planned to take the kids to the MD Inner Harbour today to do something. Our plans shaped up this morning with the focus on the Science Center. With President's Day off I knew keeping these kid in the house again would not be a good experience. We could take the 1.4 hour drive and walk a half block to get there and spend the day, eat some food someone else prepared... keep the house as clean as it was when we got up and hopefully preserve everyones sanity. It worked for the most part. Having only been there a few times I forgot how crowded it can get. Parking with my oversized an proved a challenge. The usual garages were full and the others didn't have enough clearance. I found a surface lot but ended up not being able to cross over to that side of the street initially and then ended up on a highway to DC? Some of the streets in MD go right into highways w/o any way to get turned around before you are well on your way out of town. Took me a few miles to find a turnoff and got turned around and back to the lot. Yahooo! We got up to the science center and had a 30 minute wait to get tickets. Then the fun began. A bit of food and a really great place to just enjoy. Andrew was a gem! Q our foster son was a bit of a challenge because he was not able to stay with us when we let him roam on his own so he ended up in the stroller more than I really wanted him to be for the sake of keeping him close in a huge huge crowd of people. There were two exhibits at the Science Center we did not partake in... one was the Body Worlds (not sure it's appropriate for the smaller kids so we will travel back at a later date) and IMAX (kids voted it out). The place is so huge though it amounted to a days worth of exploration and we really could have used more time. http://www.mdsci.org/ check it out.
Weather was heavenly this morning which made it a great day to explore. The rain that was hitting the ground stopped right before we left the Science Center so we did not have to get wet to get back to the car. The kids really did show their true colors and behaved well all day. Ahhhh!

I got home and thankfully Tim said "lets go out for dinner!" My favorite words right now. So we did. We are home and I'm totally pooped. I feel better than I did last night but I'm still pretty achy, very tired, and pretty irritable. Not a sign of total health yet but I'm on the way I'm sure.

Searching for my soul...

2008-02-17T12:59:00.001-08:00

As I wrote in my blog last we had been experiencing the winter blahs here. Flu bugs, colds and all that goes with it. Well I thought I was feeling better and somehow that reversed. I wondered why I crashed emotionally last night and pretty much lost track of the whereabouts of my soul. The title of my blog live-to-learn takes on a new meaning here. Learning is not always fun is it? I was hugely emotional, weepy and unsure of myself. I was out at a Play with my daughter and some friends. A wonderful experience of friendship and culture and I wondered what was going on with me.

Well it's a mixture of things I'm sure we all experience in our lives. Sleep has been shortened by coughing fits, headaches and sinus pressure at night. The cold drives me just nutty during the day since these last few weeks have been in the single digits and teens for the most part during the day (40 right now so the sun is shining somewhere). I absolutely love the snow but most of this cold weather has just been ice and overcast days which takes my already dreary mood into more of a challenging space. The fact that I have felt really good off and on has kept me off balance here. When I woke up this morning and I was achy and feeling really congested and pitiful I realized it's not gone whatever it is.

I can hear my mother saying "Go to a doctor!". Well I do not apologize for not being the type to run to the doctor when I feel blah. First off in the past I have done so only to walk away with nothing more than the reassurance that since there is no fever and I'm still walking upright and can eat something I won't die and I am not alone. The flu and colds are rampant during this season. Let's not get you started on antibiotics since those tend to increase the problem if you don't need them.

My husband asked me last night. What will help you? He had been sounding pretty "preachy" and irritated with himself because he didn't know what to say. I'm so full of gratitude that I have the love of a man who can step back and say "what do you need, what I'm doing doesn't seem to be helping". I simply unloaded a heap of tears and frustration with myself and everyone around me and he listened. At that point I said "nothing will help because I feel so badly I can't see through the fog... I need to know I am a worthwhile human being but I don't feel like one!" Then I had to step back and remind myself that it's not okay to just feel horrid and not find a way through this. It's not okay to be so grumpy with my kids and end up feeling guilty about it. It's not okay to just be miserable when there is so much love and peace in the world. I hated being me at that moment.

So I take a step back and I look around. What can I do to acknowledge where I am at. Again... this too shall pass... some people are just going through this fluish business for longer periods of time and I'm one of them right now. My kids are well, my husband is well (Thank God and all the Angels in heaven! LOL!) but I am down with this for a bit longer. I have to give myself permission to just take it easy... take it a bit slower... do the basics since I am capable of doing the wash, cleaning the house, tending to the kids needs. Cooking dinner seems to be more of a challange since the sight and smell of food is not pleasant at all so I ask myself, how can I better feed my family? It is possible to take a step back there as well but still find a way meet all our needs? Certainly it is and I need to not feel guilty about it. What are my options for just resting a bit more and knowing when my emotions run amok I need to take a break from the fast pace of things going on around me. Right now I want to quit one of my dance class (one of them may quit me because there are not enough people enrolled... unfortuantely it's the one I really want to keep taking). Okay... right now is not a good time to make major decisions so I will wait on that decision and any others that pop into my thoughts. Suddenly thinking all my friends are out to get me isn't a good idea either. My husband is a bit grumpier with me at times, as well as the kids but it rather makes sense I'm not a looking glass of happiness right now. My temper is shorter due to a bit less reserves and more stress. So in short it's time to take a few more tea breaks... counting to 10 or maybe 20 when my fuse seems to be short and re-evaluating the scene. Does it surprise me that the little ones are getting into a little more trouble when I am not able to get them outdoors right now and I'm not resourceful indoors? No so I will find a way to make our lives a bit more pleasant.

For the rest of the day I'm working on making apologies to people for my negative behavior and taking a bit of a slower route through my tasks at hand. I'm going to be figuring out by taking an inventory in my thoughts of how blessed I am. Great kids, super wonderful house to live in, money in the bank and the promise of enough security to handle all the bills and then some... the most wonderful loving husband with a sense of humour, the gift of insight, friends who care... the promise of Spring (literally and figuratively life will flourish and be renewed over and over again!) and so much more! Thank you God for a new day to evaluate my doubts, fears and difficulties and the gift of those who demonstrate this daily in my life!

Winter week of blues

2008-02-13T15:06:00.000-08:00

After almost 2 weeks of feeling poorly (flu? and then sinus congestion, possibly infection), Tim going through the flu for a few days and the kiddos being sick one by one we finally all feel much better today. The last two days as well were snow days here (no school due to inclement weather). I know by now that "this too shall pass" but it's hard to focus when you don't feel good.
We really do have health to be thankful for. I recieved an e-mail from another mom who was telling me about the death (car accident) of a 16 year old girl. My heart breaks when I hear that. Please keep them in your prayers.

I'm off to make up for having missed some house cleaning and errands over the last week.

My First Blog Post... some of who I am... my life and how we got here!

2008-02-03T11:49:00.000-08:00

Today is a very important day... is what I want to tell myself every day. As I am now 44 years of age and finally realize that it all starts right now...whatever... and it never ends. I'm trying to live a bit less of a life of trying and more of a life of doing though. I'm excited but many times disappointed. Old habits die hard... the ones I want to change. I have 4 kids (sometimes 5) as I am a foster parent. Tim and I have 2 biological daughters and we adopted the most wonderful little boy last October through foster care. Shortly after I had our first child my mother said to me "you were made for this!" I didn't feel it was totally true since motherhood has not come easy but I do know being married to Tim and being a mother is what I have wanted most of my life. The other few years I don't remember as I was in the cradle. Seriously I remember being in love with the idea of motherhood most of my life. Marriage was a mystery to me since I wasn't surrounded by loving marriages in my younger years. I seemed they were all pretty awful and several of my parents friends divorced. But as I grew into my pre-teen years Cinderella was my role model (although I don't know she ever had kids?) I remember thinking prince charming was out there. Well he was for me Thank God! I found my prince.

Okay... enough about that. We moved to Pennsylvania just year and a half ago minus 2 weeks. The transition was smooth. It was one of those moves that even though it took us 4 years to really make the decision to move and where we were going (another part of AZ? New Mexico? Florida? or Pennsylvania) and Tim had time to get a job once we decided to move to PA we still had a concern if this was the right place to be? We knew we had to leave what was then our home but we were just uncertain about taking this leap of faith. It was indeed a leap of faith. We visited Pennsylvania with the decision to look at jobs, homes and all (we had been getting newspapers and information for a few years on jobs and the housing market in areas around Carlisle and Harrisburg) We had 3 days. We had come in on a train over spring break with 4 kids (two of them were then foster children, one who has since been adopted along with a brother by a loving family and the other one is now our son). We rented a car and we literally drove from one place to another making decisions on our new life. Tim was offered a job. We then drove around looking at houses and found one we absolutely fell in love with from the outside. We had a Realtor show us the house and were hugely disappointed because it was not at all what we thought it would be once we looked inside. A lovely house but not near big enough for our family. She then took us to 3 more houses and we found the home we now live in. We also found a wonderful friendship with this Realtor!!! She and her spouse are our very good friends. Once we returned home we had to make an offer on the house and figure out how to finance. It all came together quickly and well. I was excited and have not lost that excitement but it wasn't all fun and joy. Moving is a chore!

Tim moved in may which was a few months after our trip out to PA, the kids and I followed in August after the swim team season was over and we had had time to say our Goodbyes to everyone we could possibly get to. He had given notice at his job in AZ and made plans for moving most of our belongings (well most of his "treasures" as he's a major "collector" of stuff and some of our belongings). We had a large property in AZ along with a 2nd house we stored things in. He did pare down his "collection" thankfully! I brought out the rest of our belongings and a few things that I knew Tim and his dad had brought onto our property from the railroad "bone yard" as they called it. It was interesting to me how as the days went on into months that I felt less attached to AZ and some of the people I had know over the years and became clearer on what had meaning to me... what I wanted to take... who I felt I was? I do have friends I miss terribly but those friendships have not ended! I still feel as close to those people as ever but I do miss seeing them whenever I want to. Some of my friends from AZ had left AZ even before we did and gave me wings to do the same thing and be happy with it.

So we arrived in PA with a feeling of a new beginning. We had visions of giving our children and ourselves more of a life. More adventure and opportunity for all! Pennsylvania has not disappointed us and in fact has brought us surprises! We were even prepared for the winters (which actually are mild but still we get the excitement of snow and days off of school in front of the fireplace with hot cocoa!) We have found tremendous friendships, a renewed faith and spirituality, fantastic roots (Tim's family had some beginnings in PA and I can go a state away to Ohio to visit some of my family history) and we have been able to grow in all areas of our lives in new and greater ways. The girls are taking Musical Theatre classes and really enjoying it, thriving in school. Our son is now 2. We have had 6 foster children come into our home and all but one has moved on to what hopefully is a better life from where they were before we got them... partially because of us but also because they were able to go to be placed with loving family. We hope to adopt 2 more children but are thrilled with fostering until then. Tim has settled in his current job and loves his work and the people he works with. I am home with the kids but I also take two dance classes that have given me a sense of breaking out into a bit more of a diverse identity for myself. I took an acting class in the fall and that was a tremendous boost to my sense of adventure! I also have made some terrific friends and love being in love with my new home. Any down sides? I'm not too sure about getting older yet. I have to be honest that for the first time in my life I solidly happy and I don't plan on letting my age get me down but being 44 takes a bit of adjustment for me. Where has the time gone. My oldest child is now 11 and I'm just in awe of her but how did she grow so fast!

Well I had better get off here now.... more later on life past and present life.