Teach Only Love: Anxiety

Teach Only Love: Anxiety

Anxiety

I started in November with what I believe are anxiety attacks, I had no evidence to the contrary. There are not tests strips or lab results to say and I confess I've not been to a doctor (part of the reason is I don't know exactly what to tell him has happened... it's so multifaceted. More so I don't want to start of any alarm bells in an already 4 alarm mind that I possess) . The first one I realized I had experienced was a whopper. I stopped my friend who was sitting next to me while she drove her oversized van in her tracks. "Somethings wrong!" She looked at me telling me I was white as a ghost. It all came out in triplicate. I was not in charge of my body. I felt like I was in the ether which in some ways isn't a bad feeling but on the other hand I had no control over certain parts of my being. Heart racing... mind going wild... legs wanting to run... feeling terrified but way too calm? My dearest most bestest friend takes my 4 toddler kids and lets me tend to the rest of my day with my two older girls dance schedules. She makes us all dinner. I have time to breathe and think. It is so clear to me that anyone with 4 children under the age of 4 has the profound right to feel a bit of anxiety but as well had better get a grip on it. I don't want to blame my kids for the way I feel so I begin to look beyond that as well for answers. Bingo! I realize how much I take in. Friends share their worries, my mother hands me her anger, I look at every situation as if it's mine to fix. I realize that I also have looked to food and caffeine for comfort. So I take the caffeine and other stimulants pretty much out of my day. That helps. I decide to take a few weeks off from taking on any responsibilities or worries that are not immediate problems causing harm if I don't get to them now. I buy play-doh, and get crafts for the kids to do to help them stay focused and out of trouble (what took me so long to figure this out... 97 cent jars of play-doh, toys with larger pieces that assemble, coloring books... easy clean up, cheap and fun!) As well I begin to really enjoy more of what is. Turn the coin over from worry a bit more to how fun it is to just do what is in front of me. It's simple... but far from easy to change your mind to joy. I confess I like drama. I'm figuring out how to bring joy and drama together.

So here I am right before Christmas. My plan is 98 percent good... life has taken a turn for the better (of course there are those relapses that are actually really bad. I know when we try to change a habit it comes back around and really roars). I'm not perfect and I still want to improve in some areas. The anxiety is far from gone. One of the things that keeps popping into my mind now is very upsetting. About 5 years ago I was at home in AZ when I received a call from my mom. She is talking about a family we knew well, focus on the daughter whom I went to school with who was one year older than me... she had been found dead in the shower... died very suddenly... likely dead before she hit the floor. Somebody who was in her home found her. It was too sad to even begin to process this picture. The funeral was a mix of catholic tradition. The open casket, the family grief palpable, the church service morose, the talk and the disbelief, a reunion or sorts since we all had not been all in one room for years. Then there was revelation about someone in the family that no one knew... a few oddities that were revealed. Likely they were secrets that were forced out now that the situation called for fortitude. This wasn't anything that brought harm to anyone it just made the situation all the more shocking and heavy.

From that point I didn't bury my emotions it came out physically right at that moment and it hit hard. I know now though that with something sudden and shocking that it continues to come out in bit's and pieces after that. Here I am 5 years or so later and she's on my mind constantly. I do a gasp and I feel that anxiety coursing through me. She really has never been far from my thoughts. I realized now something I had not thought much about before. What happened to her is any young womans, mothers, persons worst nightmare (well for those of us who survived her). Leaving young children and a life behind scares me senseless. I refused to think of that at the time... too much and of course it's catastrophic thinking that goes nowhere good. Well it finally sprung out... catapulted into my awareness... big screen and in living color. I haven't quite figured out what to do about it. I know this is a source of some of my anxiety. The time has come to look at it and face the fact that not everything is in my control. Maybe the thoughts of her are more than just about her though... maybe it's more about all the control issues. I'm working on this aspect of things. I certainly can change many things about my diet... buy play doh... be happier but there are some things I cannot change. Again not easy changes but simple to think about. Brings me to the serenity prayer:

God Grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change
Courage to change the things I can... and...
The Wisdom to know the difference

Post note: right after I wrote this out Brittany Murphy is found dead of heart failure. At least for the moment that is the official word on it. Another woman succumbs to heart failure. RIP.

Motherhood...

4 years old today!!!!

Happy Birthday sweet boy of ours!!!!!!

I'm over that... Tuesdays Random thoughts

We have our furnace on now. I have a safe and new space heater for the bathroom. I have a bit of my wardrobe set for the colder days. I have my head worked around the hot drink and warm weather gear for those moments of insanity where I can't stand the feeling of tingling cold on or near by body. I think I might make it. Snow take me away!

Got through our yearly inspection and re-licensure for foster care. It went very well. I think I may have it all down to a bit of science. It's not a big deal but the first few years here I was so nervous about it. A big part of it this year was just updating the caseworkers and somehow without even thinking about it I have done it on a consistent ongoing basis each quarter. As well having a house that is in working order. Tim just got going on some painting here... mostly trim work that needed to be done. With an older house it's harder because when things get to a point of needing it badly it could mean chipping and having to sand the area first. Lead paint is the risk. We had a little upheaval with that and hopefully we will put that behind us. With one little rug rat that was on her hands and knees we have to be so so so careful.

I've been working through some difficulty I have with some of the prevailing attitudes around me. I know part of it has reflected my problem... (looking in the mirror is always a good idea when a problem arises). Where it seems to show the most is on my FB page. There are these disagreements. I watch some people do it so well... just agree to disagree. Others are just militant about their views and can't seem to understand why they create choas and upset. These are the folks with super militant views... very much "my way is the right way and why can't you see that!" Why it bothers me is that it has ended a few friendships right out the door of our Facebook friendship. Actually I'm careful enough not to air my dirty laundry but I do confess to being more open about my views on things and sharing things likely I wouldn't be inclined to face to face (probably because I don't get to see people often enough IRL that I wouldn't have time) I wonder how these social networking sights will fare in years to come. Will they be able to reconnect friends and connect families in a civilized way or will they be cited for undo turmoil? I guess stay tuned.

I do apologize to the masses this last year and probably back a year or so. I have let go of birthday greetings. I'm in the process of forgiving myself for letting Christmas greetings go. I will do cards and what I can for gifts but I may get a bit more lax even there. I confess to having not enjoyed the season the last two years. I wake up with a headache trying to remember who I might have forgotten to gift. I have woken myself up into the New Year with grief and guilt as I recall another person I forgot. Letting go is good. Much of my gift giving will be in good order I'm sure but forgiveness is just going to be my seasonal motto this year.

Loving the Twilight series. Just finished the 3rd book. My oldest daughter is working on the 4th book so when she finishes I will be in that one like an obsessed person I'm certain. It's so nice reading again! We look forward to the movie "New Moon".

I love my life! (a good note to end on here!)

Winter....groan!

Winter weather just puts me in a bad mood. I closed my eyes around April sometime and just grimmaced waiting for the warmer days. Opened them mid-May to the sweet smelling warmth of early summer but... The summer went too fast. How could it be cold again! There is a beauty to the Fall and the festivities are grand as time rolls on. I am finding myself again seeking refuge in the fun of these next few months. The darker days, the cold wind, the soggy leaves, tight bundled clothes just came too soon.

Purging my mind on a Friday morning...

Just got up at 5 a.m. took myself out for a really bad cup of coffee at a local convenience store (Starbuck doesn't open until 7 a.m.) so that I could talk on the phone to someone in Phoenix at 8:30. Problem! the time is behind and not ahead so I called them at 2:30 a.m. and not 8:30 a.m. Duh! So here I am trying to work through a post that I started a week ago. I have been saying I wished I had more time in the mornings to do some things alone before the kids get up. Well I got it here. I drove around for a half hour before I realized what I was doing. I call it the "toddled brain syndrome". With 4 of them in my home right now I find myself a little off kilter.

Finished off the summer. Aquarium visit, weekly meetings with Early Intervention for K and J our youngest foster children, time at the mall, time at our cottage (one grueling but fun week when my mom visited), a visit from my mother (whinge!!).

Well school has started. We've been in the swing for about 3 weeks now. It's going well for the girls. I haven't heard either of them say they didn't want to go in the early a.m. which makes it easier to get up and get motivated. I know I won't be fighting with them.

Just a quick emotional rant here: This blog is my happy place but sometimes I need to vent my spleen. I'm so tired of radical politics I could scream. Joe Wilson. I posted a reply in a NYT article (on-line) stating I'm more afraid of his ilk than I ever could be of foreign terrorism.

I'm looking for a way lately to get my balance. I often feel my life depends on it. Not that I won't live if I don't... it's that I won't be exactly feeling alive and well. God Bless my little angels. I love them to bits but I need to find a way to balance some activities for all of us. It's possible and I'm working on it.

Tuesday...

Summer is slipping away pretty quickly. I loathe going to the store and seeing the "back to school" sales coming on in July. We are heading back around August end. PTO e-mailed to let us know of the different positions opened for the multiple activities they work as fundraisers for the school. I wish there was not only a law that stated you cannot put out Christmas decorations (or even mention Christmas until the first week in December) likewise you will be harmed if you mention school or have sales for school anytime 2 weeks prior to school beginning.

Anyhow I still have plans. I want to get to the Baltimore Aquarium. I want to spend a week at our cottage. I want to sleep in at least a few more times. I would love to get to a few more minor league baseball games. I would love to entertain a few more times with good friends in our back yard or at the cottage. I'm really aching to hit a carnival or two (no rides but plenty of fair food!!!) Just to name a few things.

I think I can rest easy with summer running away so long as I can accomplish these goals and a few surprises to bring it all to a close.

Change is inevitable, pain is optional

My husband Tim is sitting next to me as I'm sobbing. What a day I had. I recount my getting lost on a road that brought me to sluggish traffic and than a deadlock on a highway. As I sit in traffic with 5 very grumpy kids I vow not to end up at the mall. I'm want what started as a country ride to nowhere to end up being something a little more productive. As they say when you are heading nowhere that is where you will end up (or something like that). I finally see the mall and there we are. Now the kids are happy and I'm grumpy. Thank God it had a play area. Then I take my son to the bathroom. He is progressively potty trained but not always making it in time. I have to clean him up and it's not pretty. I put my cell phone down to keep it from getting drowned in the sink... then I forget it. Finally we leave and I'm resigned this was a "good" day (although I had envisioned much better at a park or a museum). We leave and I get on the wrong highway back to the cottage. I didn't notice it was the wrong road until I was quite far from my destination (this time I "knew" where I was going). Then I notice my cell phone is missing when I go to call Tim to ask him the best way "home" from way far away. So I turn back. I am requesting the kids pray that the mall is open late. Thank God the prayers worked. They say that God listens to children. I've got 5 at the moment so graciously I had an advantage. I go in and find my phone at the security desk. They ask me my name and then tell me that my husband had called me. I roll my eyes thinking of what me might have said to them "oh she lost the damn thing again!!!" I had just lost my keys a few days earlier and a stroller about 3 weeks before that. Not all these losses were my fault entirely but they stung none-the-less. I finally get us on the right road back to the cottage for what I hope is a peaceful weekend. I take a few things out of the car and head for the door... open the screen door and start to walk through when the door comes very quickly to a close before I get my left foot inside taking all the skin off a back portion of my leg down by my ankle. I gasp and hobble to the deck which is several steps away in order to sit down outside where the blood will be less of a problem (rugs versus wood deck... it wasn't an easy choice) when I notice too late the sliding screen door is not open... I knock the door off it's track, the screen tears and I go falling onto my hands on the deck on top of the whole bent out door. Flash to the sobbing part where my husband is listening to his wife rehashing the day in incoherent sentences. He tells me that I've done this all before... the last time we made changes in our life. Our move of 3 years before was fresh on his mind. Here I am in our new cottage (Mary pictures will be up here eventually!!) trying like a mad woman to enjoy it or else. I remember that when we first arrived in our new state I was under the same kind of "do or die" stress. Change... even positive and fun changes can be stressful... but pain is optional! Next time I need to beware of the doors!

Okay... it's Wednesday... barely!

It is 1:20a.m. This has been a trend lately. Started actually before the end of school. I discovered I can actually get things done at this hour of the night w/o interruption. The house stays clean when I tidy up. I can think thoughts in a steady stream without interruption. I am able to wake up in the morning in a fairly good mood (provided I get some sleep after I hit the pillow) because I have completed what I started for the day. I also know that my nicname is true. I'm a "nightowl". Have always been and likely will always be. Mornings are nice but I really do love the night.

My problem. I have one child who like me loves to be up so I'm not always alone. She unlike me needs more sleep and she does become a rather transformed nasty thing when she doesn't get enough so I need to encourage her not to follow me in staying up for countless hours.

So I'm off the showers. I am beginning to feel a little rough around the edges right now because in addition to being up when I want to be lately I've not been sleeping even when I want to. Don't know what that is about but I'm sure that it end sooner or later and I will slumber well (hopefully sooner!)

Random Thoughts

Haven't put a word down here in awhile. Between Facebook, my comfy internet groups, kids, home, friends in the flesh, husband, vacation, holidays, etc and not necessarily in that order I forgot about my blog?! Hmmm. I want desperately though to write about summer. Before it is over. Oh my. I'm just wanting to capture the joy of it... bottle it somehow... take copious notes and weave it into a garment I can wear and just enjoy. I just love it. I love all aspects of this. The warmth of it, the color, the brightness, the lull, even the soggy air.

It's also really nice right now because even though the rain is a little much it has kept the weather cooler for the most part. The kids are doing well. One dance class for my 8 year old. A week of camp for my 12 year old. Haven't quite figured out what to do with my 3 year old. We have a number of appointments for our two youngest (foster children) 2 and 11 months. I'm working to keep a balance. Not toooo busy but not missing a beat if I can. There are quite a few things to do... I tend to want to just flow with things but I also want to run around wildly taking in eeeeeverything!!!! The farmers markets, the parks, the celebrations, back yard parties (we haven't been invited to any but if we were!) the fruit stands, the crab and shrimp feasts to name only a few things. I likely will just opt for enjoying what comes my way or those things I see as I go. Packing 5 kids into a vehicle and carting them around (and without the double stroller I lost just a few weeks ago I might add) is a little daunting. That's okay though. I might get to enjoy a few things a bit more and savor the experience.

I thank God I also have a friend who will be there for me and help out with some of this task if needed. We have a child going for surgery this month to have ear tubes inserted and his adnoids taken out. We have a cottage up near a lake we will be spending time at. We also have a few dates on the calendar for visits from caseworkers and Early Intervention Therapists and a visit from my mother for a month. I'm know summer will not end before we enjoy many things I just look on now and feel a sense of it all... so much to do and so little time.

The hazy lazy side of me that needs to get away from it all is having so much fun!

Super Mom... dah dum!

I am always hesitant to take on that sort of moniker but guess what.... I'm applying for the job title. My oldest just came home with her 2nd bout of Strep in about 3 weeks. I was about to put my head in the ground when she told me her throat was sore and give her some pain killer and send her to bed (someone said strep doesn't return!) but I had a sane moment and decided to haul her to the doctors office immediately... in we go with 4 children 4 and under along with my tearful daughter.

The doctor finished up his visit with my daughter having to repeat his questions and comments a few times while I adjusted children into chairs again and again to keep some order in this very small exam room. I finally handed the 2, 3 and 4 year olds a pamphlet on Asthma and told them to study it hard because there will be a test! This was the only minute of quiet while they complied quizzically with my order. As we left, the doctor was sneezing fitfully telling me he thought maybe he was allergic to one of us. I laughed and told him likely it was the energy level that was causing some hiccups in his usually calm demeanor.

My foster son J was diagnosed Monday with a serious ear infection (they think his ears have been under water on and off for awhile because of prior problems he has had and I just find out his mom has had tubes in her ears so possibly something genetic?) My husband complained last week of a sore throat and is now on antibiotics for an upper respiratory bug. I have had countless other appointments with the kids for a variety of issues that have arisen. It has been just a steady stream of things that I consider easy peasy to deal with however, the reoccurring infections are not welcome and not easy as far as I'm concerned. They need to stop!!!

I know I signed up for this duty with the 6 kids. I personally love children and enjoy them. I'm still learning how to accept a little bit of loneliness in the job. I also accept some people not only think I suck at the job and must be insane to have all these kids under my roof but also there are those who think I deserve every ounce of difficulty that comes my way. I do make some peoples lives difficult so why shouldn't they be happy when mine is chaotic?

Anyhow I will gladly take the cape... red tights... a shiny blue leotard emblazoned with Super Mom!!! I'm sure then no one will disagree that I'm certifiable when I show up to buy groceries in my new outfit!

A website I like...

I officially declare....

I have no sense or humor and I'm talentless. No offense to to the womans movement with the cartoon. It's just the most fitting silly thing I could find to express how I feel right now. OMG! I love some of the blogs I see out in blogland and I really don't hold a candle to them. The bigger world out there just takes me by storm sometimes. Few if any of my friends blog. My husband is a technophobe. My 12 year old is begging us for a cell phone (everyone has one says she).... well she doesn't so not everyone. I admit to feeling bad that I'm so lame but at the same time I wonder where people get the time to do all this. Probably like me it's a growing thing. Before you know it you find yourself doing something new and then as time goes on it's a growing thing. However... I look at my kids and for now I really know I'd rather be spending time figuring them out than all of this blogging stuff. It's fun though to explore some of these websites. I want to attach a few onto mine but I don't know exactly how to do that. For now it will remain that way as I have a child running his plastic elephant up my arm and wanting some attention. Okay off I go...

Today...

Took the idea from a friend on Random Tuesday. Not sure what that means to her really? But I think it's just more like what I'm gonna do... Rambling Tuesday. Entries that are not exactly set on a topic and off I go... rambling.

I have our 4 year old foster son home this week. Spring Break. I'm asking though... "where is spring?" We have had a few spring days and things appear to be starting to bloom but it's really cold out lately and the ground is super soggy. I picture spring to be more outdoorsy than it has been but... oh well.

So it's 4 kids this week to entertain. It's surprising how one extra child can create a bit more chaos... not because he's more choatic but because I have grown accustomed to only having 3 on the school days. I have been more rigid on naptime for J. Tonite we will be in the car for a few hours and then maybe at the library for 2? I put dinner in there somewhere. The little ones have a visit with their parents. The last two weeks were 1 hour visits which left us with only that hour to spend on dinner and whatever? I don't know about other people but a visit to the library or anywhere else with dinner and getting everyone in and out of the car and then the extra moments for a lost shoe, a tantrum, potty breaks and that sort of thing doesn't work with only one hour total so we were just eating in the car and getting back to pick up the little ones and on home. If it were not so soggy a park would be nice in one or two hours. We could pick up dinner and eat there. Enough lamenting the weather... it's just annoying me lately. I'm ready to be turning on the air conditioning and complaining about how hot it is!

I have dance tonite too. We have had some time off so I'm out of sync with that. Don't look forward to going back. We are coming closer to the performance. I really felt like I did so much better this year (more confident, got to the right moves quicker, had more fun and didn't stand there crying so often?!) but for some reason there are times when we are practicing I just fall apart. A few things throw me off. First of all she uses different music some weeks and my brain isn't accustomed to changes like that, it's like a stumbling block for me. As well as soon as someone else messes up I mess up. It was hilarious one week when we were practicing she put the least confident dancers up front and we mine-as-well have just done a freefall. I couldn't stop laughing. In any event I'm needing to do my own thing and not watch others. Right now she has placed us in our performance spots so it's beginning to all take shape which helps because she makes it a little more uniform... takes out some of the more obvious falling points for the majority of us and goes over the form so we can tighten up our moves. I don't know though... sometimes I ask myself "what the hell am I doing this for?!" I know the answer. In my child heart I am a dancer and a mover! I can't deny my child self that chance to perform. I would love to act some day... also writing a book?! Who knows I may just do that at some point.

Onward and upward into my day...

Joy filled Pain/ Pain filled Joy?

One of the things I've learned through this life so far is that we all are going to move out of our bodies at some point (that way of phrasing it may sound denialistic but no one has convinced me yet that death is the end). It's not a choice. It used to make me crazy to think about this. I've had people bluntly tell me that we are all dying sometime so get used to it. These were usually folks who were a little bitter (ya think) or whom were fearful themselves. It was trite and it was painful to hear. I think it is rude that anyone would say that, especially to someone who was in the throes of it. Of course we are "all going to die" but aren't we all living (if we can talk about it anyhow?) Isn't life the goal?! Isn't it important to share the sadness of loss and joy of life?

At one point this was said to me when my dad was very sick and obviously nearing the end of his life as we knew it. He was also suffering which was hard to watch. I remember feeling some relief when he was finally gone for a number of reasons but the clearest reason was that he was no longer suffering and we could finally move on feeling some relief ourselves. His suffering had gone on a lot longer than his illness but he had been in the throes of cardiac failure for 10 years. This brought me to the question. Is it better to know or not know you are dying or someone significant in your life is dying? No answers are clear to me. My first and foremost thought is it depends on who is involved and how it all comes about. My 2nd answer is it's never easy to lose someone no matter what the experience is. I remember one of my former classmates from grade school lost her mom really suddenly... mom was diabetic and had been ill on and off in her life but she lived very fully... they all said it was the best way she could have died... suddenly and in her sleep. No suffering. Her children all felt a terrible loss but a gratitude as well. I guess that is another factor. I don't like suffering and if we can live w/o it that is the way to be.

Right now this is firmly on my mind. A woman I do not know has been blogging about her life with cancer. She is at a point where she will make a crucial decision after 5 years of battling cancer whether or not she will continue treatment. If she discontinues treatment they are telling her that her life will end within a short time (possibly within a few months). It sounds as though the cancer has advanced to a point where she is miserable (or maybe it is the treatments that are making her miserable?). It started as Breast cancer. She found out about it the day she found out she was pregnant with her 5 year old son. They did the biopsy right around that time. She gave birth and started a rigorous treatment program. Now 5 years later it has re-emerged as brain cancer. She has gone through surgery (her blog is vague on the facts) and now is being told her only hope for more time is to do a chemo right into her head. She has struggled with feeling very ill and quality of life has been at a minimum. They are saying that if she does live longer she won't necessarily have more quality and it could be less with the Chemotherapy. She is married happily, has 3 children, a high schooler, a child in early elementary school and a pre-schooler. A community of people are taking the family meals daily and doing what they can to support this family. We will all make efforts to help and support them as much as we possibly can.

Just yesterday I ran into one of her closer friends at the local grocery store... we were both tearful as we discussed the grimness of it all but there was also a feeling of peace and gratitude. Both Stacy and I talked about people who have beat the odds. As well we discussed how our own sorrows and difficulties suddenly feel very light and it seems that life takes on new meaning. Something else that occurred to me as I read "Kathy's" Blog. She has almost no self-pity... she is sharing her journey and is very frank about what is going on. She is has a wealth of gratitude for the love around her and chance to share her story. There is almost a sense that although she is making a choice that holds life and death much closer she is living and is choosing to live. It's uplifting in a way that intellectually seems odd but it still makes sense. I think it makes sense to me more when I look back at times in my life where I was so miserable I wasn't alive I was rather missing out on life altogether and I recall the exact point that I chose to change that perspective, making some different choices that pulled me out of the scrap heap of living dead. Kathy is reminding me that none of us knows if we will see tomorrow and that at least for me I've been given a chance to choose life. It's part of the joy of being in my 40's to relish what has been and know that we don't have forever. I'm fortunate I know... my children are well, my husband is a wonderful man, my home is beautiful and my life is calm most of the time. I admit I like living on the edge but I also really cherish the sweetness of the day to day life that holds it's routine on the circuit of the ordinary. Life gets a little sweeter although sadder too when you are face to face with the detail that life is not forever. I remember a dear older friend telling me that joy does not exist in absence of pain but the good news is pain has it's sweetness too. Thank you Don for those words of wisdom.

Dealing with stress and guilt

Lately guilt and stress have been at my door. A number of things have hit the fan. There is a pulling from all sides. At times a feeling of imploding... my head spins and my stomach feels empty even when full. Of course I crave something decadent... comfort food. Chocolate, sweet bread, cookies and warm drinks. Problem is it only gives comfort for so long and then it shows on the scale where it gives no comfort. Then I realize the issues are still there. I've gone in search of ways to work through and not just around what is going on.

Nothing is that out of the ordinary... there is just more of it sometimes. Even the things that may be new or daunting are not so new really when I really think about it. I'm beginning to realize there are no big deals... nothing totally earth shattering. How many times have I looked back on something that worried me sick and realized how perfect it all worked out... if only I could have seen it that way while I was going through it? Although I'm no piker when it comes to faith and patience it comes too slowly to me when I need it most. Here is one exercise I really love for looking at those areas of life that seem to weight me down. In my opinion you don't really need to do this to have it help. Sometimes I just stop and visualize the bag and the heaviness of things I'm dealing with and it helps:

http://blog.beliefnet.com/beyondblue/2009/03/video-unload-your-guilt.html

Some of my thoughts, frustrations and inspirations:

I have a few friendships that are not going well. I've struggled and worked at them and there are awkward feelings and a sense that something isn't right. I seem to work harder at making it right. I wonder what I'm doing wrong. I keep coming to the same logical conclusion that I'm doing nothing wrong. I need to let go although I'm not quite sure yet what that means. I have to face them weekly and it's just awkward.

I'm mothering 6 kids. Doing a fantastic job of it. Tim is a partner in all of this so I can't take credit alone but for my part I'm really proud of myself. I love my kids. However... it's a lot of work. There was one person this last week who was highly critical. That hurt. I was injured by the things she said. I found myself very much doubting myself but at the same time realizing that it had to do with what someone else was thinking rather than what was true. I've spent a good deal of time in my life worrying about what other people think rather than dealing with the truth and standing up for myself. I'm a slow learner but I'm making progress. Although I did take her words to heart I also let her know she was being critical and it doesn't help anyone. I also have a fear that if I don't make everyone happy they could make my life miserable. It's no way to live so the change I'm looking at making from now on is to let that fear go. Easier said than done.

There are a couple things going on in my life that are scary. I can't say much about these issues because it leads to a whole lot of fear that isn't productive. A whole lot of anger which isn't productive. A whole lot of unknowns that I've been through in my head and found my way around. I have challenged myself to thinking the best only and working out the details in every way possible to a good ending. None the less there are things on the horizon that feel daunting. These are things I have to give to God. My thought here... "Lord let your mercy be on us, as we place our trust in you!"

Last and probably the most incredible of all of the things I've been looking at the last few days. There was a website sent to me this last week from someone in our PTO. A woman in our midst is very ill. When I read the Caring Bridge website I started at the end of her writing (actually as I read back to the beginning the whole story seemed to have been started at the end of her journey). She has brain tumors. Anyone who knows anything about brain tumors knows that sometimes it doesn't matter if they are malignant or not they are terribly serious. Some benign tumors are worse than cancerous ones. Hers are that type of tumor. Growing fast and robbing her of quality of life. She is facing a decision to let the treatments end. This woman has a 5 year old child, a elementary school age child and a teenager. My heart breaks. How could I ever be wallowing in my own pain when I have life and the decision I have to make are not about the end but possibly more the beginning of something new. How can I resign myself to anything less than joy in my own life. Her writing inspires me to grasp what I'm going through and face it with courage. Obviously whatever I'm going through I have a choice of going on well. She does not. None of her writing is in self-pity so why would I want to feel any self-pity either?! I don't.

I think I've muttered a bit here. My thoughts are not fluid but they do flow. I just needed write some things down. One of my goals is to start a new blog or live journel to talk more about our family process and the joys I have with my kids. They are the miracles that daily remind me that life is a joyful process. I adore my children.

It's March... Spring is springing!

We have been a family of 8 for over a month now. Adjustment, adjustment, adjustment. This is where we get to the point where most of what is is. The dust has settled... the behaviors are what they are and we move forward to consistent love, discipline and routines. This is also where we begin to tolerate more or less the disruptions to my plan! (This is where I laugh hard!) Foster care is a multiple partnering job but we have the kids. There are visits once a week... some phone calls here and there. The parents whose children are living with us have work to do. The people making the decisions over both the lives of the children and the parents are the people who overall have not spent much time with either. It makes me kind of nuts when I think too much about this set up. So I won't. The best I can do is ensure the children get what they need when they are in our care. We work to give them medical care... food, shelter, stimulation to learn, fun and what else am I forgetting... oh... sleep, baths and we have lots of appointments to address learning delays and physical issues, not to mention ongoing preventive medical care (age 3 comes dental care). We have 4 other children who have their schedules, routines and needs as well that flex and change as time goes on. It has all come together well... in some ways it's a blessing that there are 6. They work together, blending and enriching the atmosphere as we go... it's not all on the us because these children seem to reach each other on a level that the adults cannot get at. Of course there are times it all becomes a little chaotic, a little too much frustration, less cooperation. That ends though... we find balance and on we go.

Okay... now for Spring! I looked the other day at the weather bug. It was talking about Spring. I'm so excited. Even though I looked out my window at that point and all this fuzzy white stuff was coming down... sideways! Oh my! We got about 6 inches of snow!!! How could this be Spring? Well... let me see... A few of my plants, in spite of the white stuff were blooming? A couple of my indoor plants are responding to the fact there is more light out!!! This Saturday we set our clocks forward an hour in response to daylight savings... essentially the end of it. We now have more light which means even though it has snowed it's Spring. Spring with snow is still Spring! I admit I will be even more thrilled when it warms up past the single digits during the day... I will settle for the 50 degree forcast we have coming up soon! Winter is ending! Yipee!

We are 8!!!

Starting 2009 we had 2 children for respite that had joined us during the summer a few times. I have to say I thought it was nuts to have them coming day 1 2009. My mom was still here from her visit that started on December 18. Although we were at 8 during the summer during her visit with these same children I thought it would be harder during the winter months to entertain and work with 6 children in our home because we would not be able to get them outside, there are more clothes to put on and take off everyone and the winter months leave me a little less motivated. We made it! Eighteen whole days. What was better was it went well inspite of the fact that kidlets were sick a good deal of the time. In fact I think this made it easier strangely enough. We ended up maintaining a low profile and the routine was simple. Thankfully it was nothing more serious than some stomach upset and/or a fever. My mom left on day 5 so she was spared from most of this... 3 of the 6 kids were back in school as well on day 5 out of 18. No missed school days during this time as most of the fever/stomach stuff was limited to the 3 at home. No adults got sick either which was a blessing! Our two little visitors left in good order and it actually felt much easier than it did before they came. We renewed our Foster Care license for the new year and off we went.

Two lovely weeks later we are at 8 people in our home again. Joined now by a 6 month old and a 2 year old. So off we go on another adventure. More about this later!

My first born...

Twelve years ago I was pregnant. I was 2 weeks past the date of go! Bun in the oven and ready to pop. I could have kept going (I loved being pregnant even the morning sickness was a reminder every day of what was happening inside my body!) They insisted it's not a good idea to go so far past this determined date. He or she had to come out. I loved being pregnant but I also was so looking forward to being a mother. I was also excited for the day to come when my wonderful spouse would be placed in the ranks of being a daddy! It was so exciting! Tim was approaching this with a bit more of a serious mindset! We were great for each other. Just when I'd tense up he'd lighten up the journey!

Then we decided we'd let the doctor take a few steps to get this child moving out into the world. It was a very difficult decision since I had not felt in any way any pressure from my insides. I had been walking vigorously and jumping up and down. I wondered if maybe they made a mistake on this due date? They told me they would only use natural methods of getting her to budge. First a gel that would do what my body was not doing to get labor started. Then with no luck there they broke my water. Then it all started. The big owie. I was so unprepared. Nurses were nowhere to be found as I went through each pain with increasing agitation (I think the were getting back at me for doing this birth au natural. This was not a town or a hospital that took well to my modern approach to giving birth. They acted as if I was taking too much control over this process) I had not eaten since 8 that morning and we were now embarking on 8 at night with no vigorous movement only pain. Finally around 11 p.m. a nurse arrives and tells me I should relax because the labor pains will only intensify and I could rip my uterus if I don't let go. I wanted to rip her face off. "Where were you several hours ago when this all started to roll like my body was being torn asunder!" I could only think these words though because it was too hard for me to mentally get much past screaming. Finally at 1:47 in the a.m. on the 31st of January after my body finally gave way to letting this baby out "she" was born with a few extra pushes helped along by a suction. I was worn out and seriously doubting my sanity. Oh my!!! Words fail me in describing this moment where I first became a parent.

My father-in-law and my mother were outside the door. In they bolted exhausted but determined to see her right after her debut! Before I could get my insides returned to normal I greeted them as they watched her being cleaned up a bit. She was healthy at 7 lbs 6.7 oz's and ready for a vigorous cry! She was the most beautiful child I'd ever seen (pooh-pooh on the nurse that told me not to cringe when I see her because many parents think their child is ugly???!!!) We were so greatful to God for this small blessing and still keep counting our blessings. She slept well. She ate well! She is a blossoming beauty at 12. Again Thank you God for our baby girl!