Teach Only Love: Anxiety

Teach Only Love: Anxiety

Anxiety

I started in November with what I believe are anxiety attacks, I had no evidence to the contrary. There are not tests strips or lab results to say and I confess I've not been to a doctor (part of the reason is I don't know exactly what to tell him has happened... it's so multifaceted. More so I don't want to start of any alarm bells in an already 4 alarm mind that I possess) . The first one I realized I had experienced was a whopper. I stopped my friend who was sitting next to me while she drove her oversized van in her tracks. "Somethings wrong!" She looked at me telling me I was white as a ghost. It all came out in triplicate. I was not in charge of my body. I felt like I was in the ether which in some ways isn't a bad feeling but on the other hand I had no control over certain parts of my being. Heart racing... mind going wild... legs wanting to run... feeling terrified but way too calm? My dearest most bestest friend takes my 4 toddler kids and lets me tend to the rest of my day with my two older girls dance schedules. She makes us all dinner. I have time to breathe and think. It is so clear to me that anyone with 4 children under the age of 4 has the profound right to feel a bit of anxiety but as well had better get a grip on it. I don't want to blame my kids for the way I feel so I begin to look beyond that as well for answers. Bingo! I realize how much I take in. Friends share their worries, my mother hands me her anger, I look at every situation as if it's mine to fix. I realize that I also have looked to food and caffeine for comfort. So I take the caffeine and other stimulants pretty much out of my day. That helps. I decide to take a few weeks off from taking on any responsibilities or worries that are not immediate problems causing harm if I don't get to them now. I buy play-doh, and get crafts for the kids to do to help them stay focused and out of trouble (what took me so long to figure this out... 97 cent jars of play-doh, toys with larger pieces that assemble, coloring books... easy clean up, cheap and fun!) As well I begin to really enjoy more of what is. Turn the coin over from worry a bit more to how fun it is to just do what is in front of me. It's simple... but far from easy to change your mind to joy. I confess I like drama. I'm figuring out how to bring joy and drama together.

So here I am right before Christmas. My plan is 98 percent good... life has taken a turn for the better (of course there are those relapses that are actually really bad. I know when we try to change a habit it comes back around and really roars). I'm not perfect and I still want to improve in some areas. The anxiety is far from gone. One of the things that keeps popping into my mind now is very upsetting. About 5 years ago I was at home in AZ when I received a call from my mom. She is talking about a family we knew well, focus on the daughter whom I went to school with who was one year older than me... she had been found dead in the shower... died very suddenly... likely dead before she hit the floor. Somebody who was in her home found her. It was too sad to even begin to process this picture. The funeral was a mix of catholic tradition. The open casket, the family grief palpable, the church service morose, the talk and the disbelief, a reunion or sorts since we all had not been all in one room for years. Then there was revelation about someone in the family that no one knew... a few oddities that were revealed. Likely they were secrets that were forced out now that the situation called for fortitude. This wasn't anything that brought harm to anyone it just made the situation all the more shocking and heavy.

From that point I didn't bury my emotions it came out physically right at that moment and it hit hard. I know now though that with something sudden and shocking that it continues to come out in bit's and pieces after that. Here I am 5 years or so later and she's on my mind constantly. I do a gasp and I feel that anxiety coursing through me. She really has never been far from my thoughts. I realized now something I had not thought much about before. What happened to her is any young womans, mothers, persons worst nightmare (well for those of us who survived her). Leaving young children and a life behind scares me senseless. I refused to think of that at the time... too much and of course it's catastrophic thinking that goes nowhere good. Well it finally sprung out... catapulted into my awareness... big screen and in living color. I haven't quite figured out what to do about it. I know this is a source of some of my anxiety. The time has come to look at it and face the fact that not everything is in my control. Maybe the thoughts of her are more than just about her though... maybe it's more about all the control issues. I'm working on this aspect of things. I certainly can change many things about my diet... buy play doh... be happier but there are some things I cannot change. Again not easy changes but simple to think about. Brings me to the serenity prayer:

God Grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change
Courage to change the things I can... and...
The Wisdom to know the difference

Post note: right after I wrote this out Brittany Murphy is found dead of heart failure. At least for the moment that is the official word on it. Another woman succumbs to heart failure. RIP.

Motherhood...

4 years old today!!!!

Happy Birthday sweet boy of ours!!!!!!

I'm over that... Tuesdays Random thoughts

We have our furnace on now. I have a safe and new space heater for the bathroom. I have a bit of my wardrobe set for the colder days. I have my head worked around the hot drink and warm weather gear for those moments of insanity where I can't stand the feeling of tingling cold on or near by body. I think I might make it. Snow take me away!

Got through our yearly inspection and re-licensure for foster care. It went very well. I think I may have it all down to a bit of science. It's not a big deal but the first few years here I was so nervous about it. A big part of it this year was just updating the caseworkers and somehow without even thinking about it I have done it on a consistent ongoing basis each quarter. As well having a house that is in working order. Tim just got going on some painting here... mostly trim work that needed to be done. With an older house it's harder because when things get to a point of needing it badly it could mean chipping and having to sand the area first. Lead paint is the risk. We had a little upheaval with that and hopefully we will put that behind us. With one little rug rat that was on her hands and knees we have to be so so so careful.

I've been working through some difficulty I have with some of the prevailing attitudes around me. I know part of it has reflected my problem... (looking in the mirror is always a good idea when a problem arises). Where it seems to show the most is on my FB page. There are these disagreements. I watch some people do it so well... just agree to disagree. Others are just militant about their views and can't seem to understand why they create choas and upset. These are the folks with super militant views... very much "my way is the right way and why can't you see that!" Why it bothers me is that it has ended a few friendships right out the door of our Facebook friendship. Actually I'm careful enough not to air my dirty laundry but I do confess to being more open about my views on things and sharing things likely I wouldn't be inclined to face to face (probably because I don't get to see people often enough IRL that I wouldn't have time) I wonder how these social networking sights will fare in years to come. Will they be able to reconnect friends and connect families in a civilized way or will they be cited for undo turmoil? I guess stay tuned.

I do apologize to the masses this last year and probably back a year or so. I have let go of birthday greetings. I'm in the process of forgiving myself for letting Christmas greetings go. I will do cards and what I can for gifts but I may get a bit more lax even there. I confess to having not enjoyed the season the last two years. I wake up with a headache trying to remember who I might have forgotten to gift. I have woken myself up into the New Year with grief and guilt as I recall another person I forgot. Letting go is good. Much of my gift giving will be in good order I'm sure but forgiveness is just going to be my seasonal motto this year.

Loving the Twilight series. Just finished the 3rd book. My oldest daughter is working on the 4th book so when she finishes I will be in that one like an obsessed person I'm certain. It's so nice reading again! We look forward to the movie "New Moon".

I love my life! (a good note to end on here!)

Winter....groan!

Winter weather just puts me in a bad mood. I closed my eyes around April sometime and just grimmaced waiting for the warmer days. Opened them mid-May to the sweet smelling warmth of early summer but... The summer went too fast. How could it be cold again! There is a beauty to the Fall and the festivities are grand as time rolls on. I am finding myself again seeking refuge in the fun of these next few months. The darker days, the cold wind, the soggy leaves, tight bundled clothes just came too soon.

Purging my mind on a Friday morning...

Just got up at 5 a.m. took myself out for a really bad cup of coffee at a local convenience store (Starbuck doesn't open until 7 a.m.) so that I could talk on the phone to someone in Phoenix at 8:30. Problem! the time is behind and not ahead so I called them at 2:30 a.m. and not 8:30 a.m. Duh! So here I am trying to work through a post that I started a week ago. I have been saying I wished I had more time in the mornings to do some things alone before the kids get up. Well I got it here. I drove around for a half hour before I realized what I was doing. I call it the "toddled brain syndrome". With 4 of them in my home right now I find myself a little off kilter.

Finished off the summer. Aquarium visit, weekly meetings with Early Intervention for K and J our youngest foster children, time at the mall, time at our cottage (one grueling but fun week when my mom visited), a visit from my mother (whinge!!).

Well school has started. We've been in the swing for about 3 weeks now. It's going well for the girls. I haven't heard either of them say they didn't want to go in the early a.m. which makes it easier to get up and get motivated. I know I won't be fighting with them.

Just a quick emotional rant here: This blog is my happy place but sometimes I need to vent my spleen. I'm so tired of radical politics I could scream. Joe Wilson. I posted a reply in a NYT article (on-line) stating I'm more afraid of his ilk than I ever could be of foreign terrorism.

I'm looking for a way lately to get my balance. I often feel my life depends on it. Not that I won't live if I don't... it's that I won't be exactly feeling alive and well. God Bless my little angels. I love them to bits but I need to find a way to balance some activities for all of us. It's possible and I'm working on it.