I started in November with what I believe are anxiety attacks, I had no evidence to the contrary. There are not tests strips or lab results to say and I confess I've not been to a doctor (part of the reason is I don't know exactly what to tell him has happened... it's so multifaceted. More so I don't want to start of any alarm bells in an already 4 alarm mind that I possess) . The first one I realized I had experienced was a whopper. I stopped my friend who was sitting next to me while she drove her oversized van in her tracks. "Somethings wrong!" She looked at me telling me I was white as a ghost. It all came out in triplicate. I was not in charge of my body. I felt like I was in the ether which in some ways isn't a bad feeling but on the other hand I had no control over certain parts of my being. Heart racing... mind going wild... legs wanting to run... feeling terrified but way too calm? My dearest most bestest friend takes my 4 toddler kids and lets me tend to the rest of my day with my two older girls dance schedules. She makes us all dinner. I have time to breathe and think. It is so clear to me that anyone with 4 children under the age of 4 has the profound right to feel a bit of anxiety but as well had better get a grip on it. I don't want to blame my kids for the way I feel so I begin to look beyond that as well for answers. Bingo! I realize how much I take in. Friends share their worries, my mother hands me her anger, I look at every situation as if it's mine to fix. I realize that I also have looked to food and caffeine for comfort. So I take the caffeine and other stimulants pretty much out of my day. That helps. I decide to take a few weeks off from taking on any responsibilities or worries that are not immediate problems causing harm if I don't get to them now. I buy play-doh, and get crafts for the kids to do to help them stay focused and out of trouble (what took me so long to figure this out... 97 cent jars of play-doh, toys with larger pieces that assemble, coloring books... easy clean up, cheap and fun!) As well I begin to really enjoy more of what is. Turn the coin over from worry a bit more to how fun it is to just do what is in front of me. It's simple... but far from easy to change your mind to joy. I confess I like drama. I'm figuring out how to bring joy and drama together.
So here I am right before Christmas. My plan is 98 percent good... life has taken a turn for the better (of course there are those relapses that are actually really bad. I know when we try to change a habit it comes back around and really roars). I'm not perfect and I still want to improve in some areas. The anxiety is far from gone. One of the things that keeps popping into my mind now is very upsetting. About 5 years ago I was at home in AZ when I received a call from my mom. She is talking about a family we knew well, focus on the daughter whom I went to school with who was one year older than me... she had been found dead in the shower... died very suddenly... likely dead before she hit the floor. Somebody who was in her home found her. It was too sad to even begin to process this picture. The funeral was a mix of catholic tradition. The open casket, the family grief palpable, the church service morose, the talk and the disbelief, a reunion or sorts since we all had not been all in one room for years. Then there was revelation about someone in the family that no one knew... a few oddities that were revealed. Likely they were secrets that were forced out now that the situation called for fortitude. This wasn't anything that brought harm to anyone it just made the situation all the more shocking and heavy.
From that point I didn't bury my emotions it came out physically right at that moment and it hit hard. I know now though that with something sudden and shocking that it continues to come out in bit's and pieces after that. Here I am 5 years or so later and she's on my mind constantly. I do a gasp and I feel that anxiety coursing through me. She really has never been far from my thoughts. I realized now something I had not thought much about before. What happened to her is any young womans, mothers, persons worst nightmare (well for those of us who survived her). Leaving young children and a life behind scares me senseless. I refused to think of that at the time... too much and of course it's catastrophic thinking that goes nowhere good. Well it finally sprung out... catapulted into my awareness... big screen and in living color. I haven't quite figured out what to do about it. I know this is a source of some of my anxiety. The time has come to look at it and face the fact that not everything is in my control. Maybe the thoughts of her are more than just about her though... maybe it's more about all the control issues. I'm working on this aspect of things. I certainly can change many things about my diet... buy play doh... be happier but there are some things I cannot change. Again not easy changes but simple to think about. Brings me to the serenity prayer:
God Grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change
Courage to change the things I can... and...
The Wisdom to know the difference
Post note: right after I wrote this out Brittany Murphy is found dead of heart failure. At least for the moment that is the official word on it. Another woman succumbs to heart failure. RIP.
