Joy filled Pain/ Pain filled Joy?

One of the things I've learned through this life so far is that we all are going to move out of our bodies at some point (that way of phrasing it may sound denialistic but no one has convinced me yet that death is the end). It's not a choice. It used to make me crazy to think about this. I've had people bluntly tell me that we are all dying sometime so get used to it. These were usually folks who were a little bitter (ya think) or whom were fearful themselves. It was trite and it was painful to hear. I think it is rude that anyone would say that, especially to someone who was in the throes of it. Of course we are "all going to die" but aren't we all living (if we can talk about it anyhow?) Isn't life the goal?! Isn't it important to share the sadness of loss and joy of life?

At one point this was said to me when my dad was very sick and obviously nearing the end of his life as we knew it. He was also suffering which was hard to watch. I remember feeling some relief when he was finally gone for a number of reasons but the clearest reason was that he was no longer suffering and we could finally move on feeling some relief ourselves. His suffering had gone on a lot longer than his illness but he had been in the throes of cardiac failure for 10 years. This brought me to the question. Is it better to know or not know you are dying or someone significant in your life is dying? No answers are clear to me. My first and foremost thought is it depends on who is involved and how it all comes about. My 2nd answer is it's never easy to lose someone no matter what the experience is. I remember one of my former classmates from grade school lost her mom really suddenly... mom was diabetic and had been ill on and off in her life but she lived very fully... they all said it was the best way she could have died... suddenly and in her sleep. No suffering. Her children all felt a terrible loss but a gratitude as well. I guess that is another factor. I don't like suffering and if we can live w/o it that is the way to be.

Right now this is firmly on my mind. A woman I do not know has been blogging about her life with cancer. She is at a point where she will make a crucial decision after 5 years of battling cancer whether or not she will continue treatment. If she discontinues treatment they are telling her that her life will end within a short time (possibly within a few months). It sounds as though the cancer has advanced to a point where she is miserable (or maybe it is the treatments that are making her miserable?). It started as Breast cancer. She found out about it the day she found out she was pregnant with her 5 year old son. They did the biopsy right around that time. She gave birth and started a rigorous treatment program. Now 5 years later it has re-emerged as brain cancer. She has gone through surgery (her blog is vague on the facts) and now is being told her only hope for more time is to do a chemo right into her head. She has struggled with feeling very ill and quality of life has been at a minimum. They are saying that if she does live longer she won't necessarily have more quality and it could be less with the Chemotherapy. She is married happily, has 3 children, a high schooler, a child in early elementary school and a pre-schooler. A community of people are taking the family meals daily and doing what they can to support this family. We will all make efforts to help and support them as much as we possibly can.

Just yesterday I ran into one of her closer friends at the local grocery store... we were both tearful as we discussed the grimness of it all but there was also a feeling of peace and gratitude. Both Stacy and I talked about people who have beat the odds. As well we discussed how our own sorrows and difficulties suddenly feel very light and it seems that life takes on new meaning. Something else that occurred to me as I read "Kathy's" Blog. She has almost no self-pity... she is sharing her journey and is very frank about what is going on. She is has a wealth of gratitude for the love around her and chance to share her story. There is almost a sense that although she is making a choice that holds life and death much closer she is living and is choosing to live. It's uplifting in a way that intellectually seems odd but it still makes sense. I think it makes sense to me more when I look back at times in my life where I was so miserable I wasn't alive I was rather missing out on life altogether and I recall the exact point that I chose to change that perspective, making some different choices that pulled me out of the scrap heap of living dead. Kathy is reminding me that none of us knows if we will see tomorrow and that at least for me I've been given a chance to choose life. It's part of the joy of being in my 40's to relish what has been and know that we don't have forever. I'm fortunate I know... my children are well, my husband is a wonderful man, my home is beautiful and my life is calm most of the time. I admit I like living on the edge but I also really cherish the sweetness of the day to day life that holds it's routine on the circuit of the ordinary. Life gets a little sweeter although sadder too when you are face to face with the detail that life is not forever. I remember a dear older friend telling me that joy does not exist in absence of pain but the good news is pain has it's sweetness too. Thank you Don for those words of wisdom.

Dealing with stress and guilt

Lately guilt and stress have been at my door. A number of things have hit the fan. There is a pulling from all sides. At times a feeling of imploding... my head spins and my stomach feels empty even when full. Of course I crave something decadent... comfort food. Chocolate, sweet bread, cookies and warm drinks. Problem is it only gives comfort for so long and then it shows on the scale where it gives no comfort. Then I realize the issues are still there. I've gone in search of ways to work through and not just around what is going on.

Nothing is that out of the ordinary... there is just more of it sometimes. Even the things that may be new or daunting are not so new really when I really think about it. I'm beginning to realize there are no big deals... nothing totally earth shattering. How many times have I looked back on something that worried me sick and realized how perfect it all worked out... if only I could have seen it that way while I was going through it? Although I'm no piker when it comes to faith and patience it comes too slowly to me when I need it most. Here is one exercise I really love for looking at those areas of life that seem to weight me down. In my opinion you don't really need to do this to have it help. Sometimes I just stop and visualize the bag and the heaviness of things I'm dealing with and it helps:

http://blog.beliefnet.com/beyondblue/2009/03/video-unload-your-guilt.html

Some of my thoughts, frustrations and inspirations:

I have a few friendships that are not going well. I've struggled and worked at them and there are awkward feelings and a sense that something isn't right. I seem to work harder at making it right. I wonder what I'm doing wrong. I keep coming to the same logical conclusion that I'm doing nothing wrong. I need to let go although I'm not quite sure yet what that means. I have to face them weekly and it's just awkward.

I'm mothering 6 kids. Doing a fantastic job of it. Tim is a partner in all of this so I can't take credit alone but for my part I'm really proud of myself. I love my kids. However... it's a lot of work. There was one person this last week who was highly critical. That hurt. I was injured by the things she said. I found myself very much doubting myself but at the same time realizing that it had to do with what someone else was thinking rather than what was true. I've spent a good deal of time in my life worrying about what other people think rather than dealing with the truth and standing up for myself. I'm a slow learner but I'm making progress. Although I did take her words to heart I also let her know she was being critical and it doesn't help anyone. I also have a fear that if I don't make everyone happy they could make my life miserable. It's no way to live so the change I'm looking at making from now on is to let that fear go. Easier said than done.

There are a couple things going on in my life that are scary. I can't say much about these issues because it leads to a whole lot of fear that isn't productive. A whole lot of anger which isn't productive. A whole lot of unknowns that I've been through in my head and found my way around. I have challenged myself to thinking the best only and working out the details in every way possible to a good ending. None the less there are things on the horizon that feel daunting. These are things I have to give to God. My thought here... "Lord let your mercy be on us, as we place our trust in you!"

Last and probably the most incredible of all of the things I've been looking at the last few days. There was a website sent to me this last week from someone in our PTO. A woman in our midst is very ill. When I read the Caring Bridge website I started at the end of her writing (actually as I read back to the beginning the whole story seemed to have been started at the end of her journey). She has brain tumors. Anyone who knows anything about brain tumors knows that sometimes it doesn't matter if they are malignant or not they are terribly serious. Some benign tumors are worse than cancerous ones. Hers are that type of tumor. Growing fast and robbing her of quality of life. She is facing a decision to let the treatments end. This woman has a 5 year old child, a elementary school age child and a teenager. My heart breaks. How could I ever be wallowing in my own pain when I have life and the decision I have to make are not about the end but possibly more the beginning of something new. How can I resign myself to anything less than joy in my own life. Her writing inspires me to grasp what I'm going through and face it with courage. Obviously whatever I'm going through I have a choice of going on well. She does not. None of her writing is in self-pity so why would I want to feel any self-pity either?! I don't.

I think I've muttered a bit here. My thoughts are not fluid but they do flow. I just needed write some things down. One of my goals is to start a new blog or live journel to talk more about our family process and the joys I have with my kids. They are the miracles that daily remind me that life is a joyful process. I adore my children.

It's March... Spring is springing!

We have been a family of 8 for over a month now. Adjustment, adjustment, adjustment. This is where we get to the point where most of what is is. The dust has settled... the behaviors are what they are and we move forward to consistent love, discipline and routines. This is also where we begin to tolerate more or less the disruptions to my plan! (This is where I laugh hard!) Foster care is a multiple partnering job but we have the kids. There are visits once a week... some phone calls here and there. The parents whose children are living with us have work to do. The people making the decisions over both the lives of the children and the parents are the people who overall have not spent much time with either. It makes me kind of nuts when I think too much about this set up. So I won't. The best I can do is ensure the children get what they need when they are in our care. We work to give them medical care... food, shelter, stimulation to learn, fun and what else am I forgetting... oh... sleep, baths and we have lots of appointments to address learning delays and physical issues, not to mention ongoing preventive medical care (age 3 comes dental care). We have 4 other children who have their schedules, routines and needs as well that flex and change as time goes on. It has all come together well... in some ways it's a blessing that there are 6. They work together, blending and enriching the atmosphere as we go... it's not all on the us because these children seem to reach each other on a level that the adults cannot get at. Of course there are times it all becomes a little chaotic, a little too much frustration, less cooperation. That ends though... we find balance and on we go.

Okay... now for Spring! I looked the other day at the weather bug. It was talking about Spring. I'm so excited. Even though I looked out my window at that point and all this fuzzy white stuff was coming down... sideways! Oh my! We got about 6 inches of snow!!! How could this be Spring? Well... let me see... A few of my plants, in spite of the white stuff were blooming? A couple of my indoor plants are responding to the fact there is more light out!!! This Saturday we set our clocks forward an hour in response to daylight savings... essentially the end of it. We now have more light which means even though it has snowed it's Spring. Spring with snow is still Spring! I admit I will be even more thrilled when it warms up past the single digits during the day... I will settle for the 50 degree forcast we have coming up soon! Winter is ending! Yipee!