Dealing with stress and guilt

Lately guilt and stress have been at my door. A number of things have hit the fan. There is a pulling from all sides. At times a feeling of imploding... my head spins and my stomach feels empty even when full. Of course I crave something decadent... comfort food. Chocolate, sweet bread, cookies and warm drinks. Problem is it only gives comfort for so long and then it shows on the scale where it gives no comfort. Then I realize the issues are still there. I've gone in search of ways to work through and not just around what is going on.

Nothing is that out of the ordinary... there is just more of it sometimes. Even the things that may be new or daunting are not so new really when I really think about it. I'm beginning to realize there are no big deals... nothing totally earth shattering. How many times have I looked back on something that worried me sick and realized how perfect it all worked out... if only I could have seen it that way while I was going through it? Although I'm no piker when it comes to faith and patience it comes too slowly to me when I need it most. Here is one exercise I really love for looking at those areas of life that seem to weight me down. In my opinion you don't really need to do this to have it help. Sometimes I just stop and visualize the bag and the heaviness of things I'm dealing with and it helps:

http://blog.beliefnet.com/beyondblue/2009/03/video-unload-your-guilt.html

Some of my thoughts, frustrations and inspirations:

I have a few friendships that are not going well. I've struggled and worked at them and there are awkward feelings and a sense that something isn't right. I seem to work harder at making it right. I wonder what I'm doing wrong. I keep coming to the same logical conclusion that I'm doing nothing wrong. I need to let go although I'm not quite sure yet what that means. I have to face them weekly and it's just awkward.

I'm mothering 6 kids. Doing a fantastic job of it. Tim is a partner in all of this so I can't take credit alone but for my part I'm really proud of myself. I love my kids. However... it's a lot of work. There was one person this last week who was highly critical. That hurt. I was injured by the things she said. I found myself very much doubting myself but at the same time realizing that it had to do with what someone else was thinking rather than what was true. I've spent a good deal of time in my life worrying about what other people think rather than dealing with the truth and standing up for myself. I'm a slow learner but I'm making progress. Although I did take her words to heart I also let her know she was being critical and it doesn't help anyone. I also have a fear that if I don't make everyone happy they could make my life miserable. It's no way to live so the change I'm looking at making from now on is to let that fear go. Easier said than done.

There are a couple things going on in my life that are scary. I can't say much about these issues because it leads to a whole lot of fear that isn't productive. A whole lot of anger which isn't productive. A whole lot of unknowns that I've been through in my head and found my way around. I have challenged myself to thinking the best only and working out the details in every way possible to a good ending. None the less there are things on the horizon that feel daunting. These are things I have to give to God. My thought here... "Lord let your mercy be on us, as we place our trust in you!"

Last and probably the most incredible of all of the things I've been looking at the last few days. There was a website sent to me this last week from someone in our PTO. A woman in our midst is very ill. When I read the Caring Bridge website I started at the end of her writing (actually as I read back to the beginning the whole story seemed to have been started at the end of her journey). She has brain tumors. Anyone who knows anything about brain tumors knows that sometimes it doesn't matter if they are malignant or not they are terribly serious. Some benign tumors are worse than cancerous ones. Hers are that type of tumor. Growing fast and robbing her of quality of life. She is facing a decision to let the treatments end. This woman has a 5 year old child, a elementary school age child and a teenager. My heart breaks. How could I ever be wallowing in my own pain when I have life and the decision I have to make are not about the end but possibly more the beginning of something new. How can I resign myself to anything less than joy in my own life. Her writing inspires me to grasp what I'm going through and face it with courage. Obviously whatever I'm going through I have a choice of going on well. She does not. None of her writing is in self-pity so why would I want to feel any self-pity either?! I don't.

I think I've muttered a bit here. My thoughts are not fluid but they do flow. I just needed write some things down. One of my goals is to start a new blog or live journel to talk more about our family process and the joys I have with my kids. They are the miracles that daily remind me that life is a joyful process. I adore my children.