Joy filled Pain/ Pain filled Joy?

One of the things I've learned through this life so far is that we all are going to move out of our bodies at some point (that way of phrasing it may sound denialistic but no one has convinced me yet that death is the end). It's not a choice. It used to make me crazy to think about this. I've had people bluntly tell me that we are all dying sometime so get used to it. These were usually folks who were a little bitter (ya think) or whom were fearful themselves. It was trite and it was painful to hear. I think it is rude that anyone would say that, especially to someone who was in the throes of it. Of course we are "all going to die" but aren't we all living (if we can talk about it anyhow?) Isn't life the goal?! Isn't it important to share the sadness of loss and joy of life?

At one point this was said to me when my dad was very sick and obviously nearing the end of his life as we knew it. He was also suffering which was hard to watch. I remember feeling some relief when he was finally gone for a number of reasons but the clearest reason was that he was no longer suffering and we could finally move on feeling some relief ourselves. His suffering had gone on a lot longer than his illness but he had been in the throes of cardiac failure for 10 years. This brought me to the question. Is it better to know or not know you are dying or someone significant in your life is dying? No answers are clear to me. My first and foremost thought is it depends on who is involved and how it all comes about. My 2nd answer is it's never easy to lose someone no matter what the experience is. I remember one of my former classmates from grade school lost her mom really suddenly... mom was diabetic and had been ill on and off in her life but she lived very fully... they all said it was the best way she could have died... suddenly and in her sleep. No suffering. Her children all felt a terrible loss but a gratitude as well. I guess that is another factor. I don't like suffering and if we can live w/o it that is the way to be.

Right now this is firmly on my mind. A woman I do not know has been blogging about her life with cancer. She is at a point where she will make a crucial decision after 5 years of battling cancer whether or not she will continue treatment. If she discontinues treatment they are telling her that her life will end within a short time (possibly within a few months). It sounds as though the cancer has advanced to a point where she is miserable (or maybe it is the treatments that are making her miserable?). It started as Breast cancer. She found out about it the day she found out she was pregnant with her 5 year old son. They did the biopsy right around that time. She gave birth and started a rigorous treatment program. Now 5 years later it has re-emerged as brain cancer. She has gone through surgery (her blog is vague on the facts) and now is being told her only hope for more time is to do a chemo right into her head. She has struggled with feeling very ill and quality of life has been at a minimum. They are saying that if she does live longer she won't necessarily have more quality and it could be less with the Chemotherapy. She is married happily, has 3 children, a high schooler, a child in early elementary school and a pre-schooler. A community of people are taking the family meals daily and doing what they can to support this family. We will all make efforts to help and support them as much as we possibly can.

Just yesterday I ran into one of her closer friends at the local grocery store... we were both tearful as we discussed the grimness of it all but there was also a feeling of peace and gratitude. Both Stacy and I talked about people who have beat the odds. As well we discussed how our own sorrows and difficulties suddenly feel very light and it seems that life takes on new meaning. Something else that occurred to me as I read "Kathy's" Blog. She has almost no self-pity... she is sharing her journey and is very frank about what is going on. She is has a wealth of gratitude for the love around her and chance to share her story. There is almost a sense that although she is making a choice that holds life and death much closer she is living and is choosing to live. It's uplifting in a way that intellectually seems odd but it still makes sense. I think it makes sense to me more when I look back at times in my life where I was so miserable I wasn't alive I was rather missing out on life altogether and I recall the exact point that I chose to change that perspective, making some different choices that pulled me out of the scrap heap of living dead. Kathy is reminding me that none of us knows if we will see tomorrow and that at least for me I've been given a chance to choose life. It's part of the joy of being in my 40's to relish what has been and know that we don't have forever. I'm fortunate I know... my children are well, my husband is a wonderful man, my home is beautiful and my life is calm most of the time. I admit I like living on the edge but I also really cherish the sweetness of the day to day life that holds it's routine on the circuit of the ordinary. Life gets a little sweeter although sadder too when you are face to face with the detail that life is not forever. I remember a dear older friend telling me that joy does not exist in absence of pain but the good news is pain has it's sweetness too. Thank you Don for those words of wisdom.

Dealing with stress and guilt

Lately guilt and stress have been at my door. A number of things have hit the fan. There is a pulling from all sides. At times a feeling of imploding... my head spins and my stomach feels empty even when full. Of course I crave something decadent... comfort food. Chocolate, sweet bread, cookies and warm drinks. Problem is it only gives comfort for so long and then it shows on the scale where it gives no comfort. Then I realize the issues are still there. I've gone in search of ways to work through and not just around what is going on.

Nothing is that out of the ordinary... there is just more of it sometimes. Even the things that may be new or daunting are not so new really when I really think about it. I'm beginning to realize there are no big deals... nothing totally earth shattering. How many times have I looked back on something that worried me sick and realized how perfect it all worked out... if only I could have seen it that way while I was going through it? Although I'm no piker when it comes to faith and patience it comes too slowly to me when I need it most. Here is one exercise I really love for looking at those areas of life that seem to weight me down. In my opinion you don't really need to do this to have it help. Sometimes I just stop and visualize the bag and the heaviness of things I'm dealing with and it helps:

http://blog.beliefnet.com/beyondblue/2009/03/video-unload-your-guilt.html

Some of my thoughts, frustrations and inspirations:

I have a few friendships that are not going well. I've struggled and worked at them and there are awkward feelings and a sense that something isn't right. I seem to work harder at making it right. I wonder what I'm doing wrong. I keep coming to the same logical conclusion that I'm doing nothing wrong. I need to let go although I'm not quite sure yet what that means. I have to face them weekly and it's just awkward.

I'm mothering 6 kids. Doing a fantastic job of it. Tim is a partner in all of this so I can't take credit alone but for my part I'm really proud of myself. I love my kids. However... it's a lot of work. There was one person this last week who was highly critical. That hurt. I was injured by the things she said. I found myself very much doubting myself but at the same time realizing that it had to do with what someone else was thinking rather than what was true. I've spent a good deal of time in my life worrying about what other people think rather than dealing with the truth and standing up for myself. I'm a slow learner but I'm making progress. Although I did take her words to heart I also let her know she was being critical and it doesn't help anyone. I also have a fear that if I don't make everyone happy they could make my life miserable. It's no way to live so the change I'm looking at making from now on is to let that fear go. Easier said than done.

There are a couple things going on in my life that are scary. I can't say much about these issues because it leads to a whole lot of fear that isn't productive. A whole lot of anger which isn't productive. A whole lot of unknowns that I've been through in my head and found my way around. I have challenged myself to thinking the best only and working out the details in every way possible to a good ending. None the less there are things on the horizon that feel daunting. These are things I have to give to God. My thought here... "Lord let your mercy be on us, as we place our trust in you!"

Last and probably the most incredible of all of the things I've been looking at the last few days. There was a website sent to me this last week from someone in our PTO. A woman in our midst is very ill. When I read the Caring Bridge website I started at the end of her writing (actually as I read back to the beginning the whole story seemed to have been started at the end of her journey). She has brain tumors. Anyone who knows anything about brain tumors knows that sometimes it doesn't matter if they are malignant or not they are terribly serious. Some benign tumors are worse than cancerous ones. Hers are that type of tumor. Growing fast and robbing her of quality of life. She is facing a decision to let the treatments end. This woman has a 5 year old child, a elementary school age child and a teenager. My heart breaks. How could I ever be wallowing in my own pain when I have life and the decision I have to make are not about the end but possibly more the beginning of something new. How can I resign myself to anything less than joy in my own life. Her writing inspires me to grasp what I'm going through and face it with courage. Obviously whatever I'm going through I have a choice of going on well. She does not. None of her writing is in self-pity so why would I want to feel any self-pity either?! I don't.

I think I've muttered a bit here. My thoughts are not fluid but they do flow. I just needed write some things down. One of my goals is to start a new blog or live journel to talk more about our family process and the joys I have with my kids. They are the miracles that daily remind me that life is a joyful process. I adore my children.

It's March... Spring is springing!

We have been a family of 8 for over a month now. Adjustment, adjustment, adjustment. This is where we get to the point where most of what is is. The dust has settled... the behaviors are what they are and we move forward to consistent love, discipline and routines. This is also where we begin to tolerate more or less the disruptions to my plan! (This is where I laugh hard!) Foster care is a multiple partnering job but we have the kids. There are visits once a week... some phone calls here and there. The parents whose children are living with us have work to do. The people making the decisions over both the lives of the children and the parents are the people who overall have not spent much time with either. It makes me kind of nuts when I think too much about this set up. So I won't. The best I can do is ensure the children get what they need when they are in our care. We work to give them medical care... food, shelter, stimulation to learn, fun and what else am I forgetting... oh... sleep, baths and we have lots of appointments to address learning delays and physical issues, not to mention ongoing preventive medical care (age 3 comes dental care). We have 4 other children who have their schedules, routines and needs as well that flex and change as time goes on. It has all come together well... in some ways it's a blessing that there are 6. They work together, blending and enriching the atmosphere as we go... it's not all on the us because these children seem to reach each other on a level that the adults cannot get at. Of course there are times it all becomes a little chaotic, a little too much frustration, less cooperation. That ends though... we find balance and on we go.

Okay... now for Spring! I looked the other day at the weather bug. It was talking about Spring. I'm so excited. Even though I looked out my window at that point and all this fuzzy white stuff was coming down... sideways! Oh my! We got about 6 inches of snow!!! How could this be Spring? Well... let me see... A few of my plants, in spite of the white stuff were blooming? A couple of my indoor plants are responding to the fact there is more light out!!! This Saturday we set our clocks forward an hour in response to daylight savings... essentially the end of it. We now have more light which means even though it has snowed it's Spring. Spring with snow is still Spring! I admit I will be even more thrilled when it warms up past the single digits during the day... I will settle for the 50 degree forcast we have coming up soon! Winter is ending! Yipee!

We are 8!!!

Starting 2009 we had 2 children for respite that had joined us during the summer a few times. I have to say I thought it was nuts to have them coming day 1 2009. My mom was still here from her visit that started on December 18. Although we were at 8 during the summer during her visit with these same children I thought it would be harder during the winter months to entertain and work with 6 children in our home because we would not be able to get them outside, there are more clothes to put on and take off everyone and the winter months leave me a little less motivated. We made it! Eighteen whole days. What was better was it went well inspite of the fact that kidlets were sick a good deal of the time. In fact I think this made it easier strangely enough. We ended up maintaining a low profile and the routine was simple. Thankfully it was nothing more serious than some stomach upset and/or a fever. My mom left on day 5 so she was spared from most of this... 3 of the 6 kids were back in school as well on day 5 out of 18. No missed school days during this time as most of the fever/stomach stuff was limited to the 3 at home. No adults got sick either which was a blessing! Our two little visitors left in good order and it actually felt much easier than it did before they came. We renewed our Foster Care license for the new year and off we went.

Two lovely weeks later we are at 8 people in our home again. Joined now by a 6 month old and a 2 year old. So off we go on another adventure. More about this later!

My first born...

Twelve years ago I was pregnant. I was 2 weeks past the date of go! Bun in the oven and ready to pop. I could have kept going (I loved being pregnant even the morning sickness was a reminder every day of what was happening inside my body!) They insisted it's not a good idea to go so far past this determined date. He or she had to come out. I loved being pregnant but I also was so looking forward to being a mother. I was also excited for the day to come when my wonderful spouse would be placed in the ranks of being a daddy! It was so exciting! Tim was approaching this with a bit more of a serious mindset! We were great for each other. Just when I'd tense up he'd lighten up the journey!

Then we decided we'd let the doctor take a few steps to get this child moving out into the world. It was a very difficult decision since I had not felt in any way any pressure from my insides. I had been walking vigorously and jumping up and down. I wondered if maybe they made a mistake on this due date? They told me they would only use natural methods of getting her to budge. First a gel that would do what my body was not doing to get labor started. Then with no luck there they broke my water. Then it all started. The big owie. I was so unprepared. Nurses were nowhere to be found as I went through each pain with increasing agitation (I think the were getting back at me for doing this birth au natural. This was not a town or a hospital that took well to my modern approach to giving birth. They acted as if I was taking too much control over this process) I had not eaten since 8 that morning and we were now embarking on 8 at night with no vigorous movement only pain. Finally around 11 p.m. a nurse arrives and tells me I should relax because the labor pains will only intensify and I could rip my uterus if I don't let go. I wanted to rip her face off. "Where were you several hours ago when this all started to roll like my body was being torn asunder!" I could only think these words though because it was too hard for me to mentally get much past screaming. Finally at 1:47 in the a.m. on the 31st of January after my body finally gave way to letting this baby out "she" was born with a few extra pushes helped along by a suction. I was worn out and seriously doubting my sanity. Oh my!!! Words fail me in describing this moment where I first became a parent.

My father-in-law and my mother were outside the door. In they bolted exhausted but determined to see her right after her debut! Before I could get my insides returned to normal I greeted them as they watched her being cleaned up a bit. She was healthy at 7 lbs 6.7 oz's and ready for a vigorous cry! She was the most beautiful child I'd ever seen (pooh-pooh on the nurse that told me not to cringe when I see her because many parents think their child is ugly???!!!) We were so greatful to God for this small blessing and still keep counting our blessings. She slept well. She ate well! She is a blossoming beauty at 12. Again Thank you God for our baby girl!

My birthday boy!!!! 3 years old

Here he is! Amazing, beautiful and fun!!! We are in love more and more each day. He reminds us what it is all about as we rise to hear him squealing and laughing every morning. He brings us so much joy! Happy Birthday Mr. Andrew!!!

For the Love of a Rake

I didn't want summer to go. I was upset with this change of season. For me summer left too early... I was seeing Autumn as a precursor to death! It's a season that brings in the cold, the fruit stands close up, other markets as well close for the season, it seemed that things were going to end up drab and lifeless. Then as I was raking the first leaves of Fall I begin to think and look around me. As I'm gliding through I begin to understand. I feel a vibration. I fall in love! I'm not even disappointed after awhile as I dance the vibration that the darn wind is pulling more leaves off the trees as I'm raking. I begin to hit the tree limbs and bring down a deluge. The pile of leaves build in the street as I push more and more to this end point (the borough comes by and picks them up for mulching right off the street how lucky can I get). Well I'm excited! Tomorrow is another day and I can rake again! It's definitely Autumn, nothing I can do about and really at this point nothing I want to do about it! It's Glorious! I realize that this time of the year signals the grandiosity of nature. Nature that is much more bold than any other time of the year. She spreads color and then drops her creation all over. The winds blow, the temperature drops. The world seems to get a little moody but all in all I feel life smiling and dancing. The music is in my head when I see this wondrous party come to life!


Well there have been two more days of raking. Leaves are still falling. This morning when I looked out the yard (both front and back) were mostly covered with a blanket of leaves. The excitement built again and I spent a cumulative couple of hours raking. My younger daughter got into it and shared my excitement... "I made a path!" she said as she pulled the rake several times down part of the yard and pushed the leaves onto the side walk. I was glad to see that this excitement was shared. Some innocence as well that I love to see in my children!

There were many metaphors that rattled through my brain as I looked on my leaf load today. I realized there were Greek Myth that called to mind the uselessness of what I was doing. The lesson in futility! Sisyphus. Rolls the ball up the hill only to have it roll right back down and he is doomed to failure for eternity. I'm thinking of some of the more somber moments and somber people I've been around this last week... I'm thinking of the glass half full metaphor as well. I get to decide how I look at this. The most prolific metaphor I can think of at this point though is the fact we are all called to work in this life. We can point, stare, cry and twiddle our thumbs at the "leaves that fall and build over and over in our life" or we can rake with enthusiasm... even half the enthusiasm really is better than none some days.

As I raked through the election day and on into the next day I realized that no matter who won I would not feel entirely "glad". I had definitely cast my vote. My greatest consternation was that many people had misinformation about their chosen candidate and the "other" guy. I found myself checking the internet against the "facts" I received. No amount of "truth" was going to dis-sway anyone from whom they had placed their faith in. Issues took presidence and some sticky ones are always at the helm. No matter, all we can do is really have faith in what truth does work it's way through to the end result. We have a man who will take that highest seat. The bottom line is though we all have to take our own job in this life seriously... we all have to find our own peace with what we have. This has been a time of loss in the last months. It's due to greed, it's due to things outside the grasp of most of us. We didn't cause it persay but we have to live with it.

As I finished my leaf raking today I realized that for the love of a rake I had found my own answers to this dilemma. I want to face life today, tomorrow and on down the line this winter and on and continue to find that golden rake that will help me sift through and do my job with joy and a vibration. I wish this for everyone. Look to find the music in the air and dance with nature and the chores of the day to realize how wondrous and beautiful everything and every one around you really is and I guarantee you the results will be good. As one of my friends used to say "try it and if it doesn't work we will refund your misery without haste!"