Joy filled Pain/ Pain filled Joy?

One of the things I've learned through this life so far is that we all are going to move out of our bodies at some point (that way of phrasing it may sound denialistic but no one has convinced me yet that death is the end). It's not a choice. It used to make me crazy to think about this. I've had people bluntly tell me that we are all dying sometime so get used to it. These were usually folks who were a little bitter (ya think) or whom were fearful themselves. It was trite and it was painful to hear. I think it is rude that anyone would say that, especially to someone who was in the throes of it. Of course we are "all going to die" but aren't we all living (if we can talk about it anyhow?) Isn't life the goal?! Isn't it important to share the sadness of loss and joy of life?

At one point this was said to me when my dad was very sick and obviously nearing the end of his life as we knew it. He was also suffering which was hard to watch. I remember feeling some relief when he was finally gone for a number of reasons but the clearest reason was that he was no longer suffering and we could finally move on feeling some relief ourselves. His suffering had gone on a lot longer than his illness but he had been in the throes of cardiac failure for 10 years. This brought me to the question. Is it better to know or not know you are dying or someone significant in your life is dying? No answers are clear to me. My first and foremost thought is it depends on who is involved and how it all comes about. My 2nd answer is it's never easy to lose someone no matter what the experience is. I remember one of my former classmates from grade school lost her mom really suddenly... mom was diabetic and had been ill on and off in her life but she lived very fully... they all said it was the best way she could have died... suddenly and in her sleep. No suffering. Her children all felt a terrible loss but a gratitude as well. I guess that is another factor. I don't like suffering and if we can live w/o it that is the way to be.

Right now this is firmly on my mind. A woman I do not know has been blogging about her life with cancer. She is at a point where she will make a crucial decision after 5 years of battling cancer whether or not she will continue treatment. If she discontinues treatment they are telling her that her life will end within a short time (possibly within a few months). It sounds as though the cancer has advanced to a point where she is miserable (or maybe it is the treatments that are making her miserable?). It started as Breast cancer. She found out about it the day she found out she was pregnant with her 5 year old son. They did the biopsy right around that time. She gave birth and started a rigorous treatment program. Now 5 years later it has re-emerged as brain cancer. She has gone through surgery (her blog is vague on the facts) and now is being told her only hope for more time is to do a chemo right into her head. She has struggled with feeling very ill and quality of life has been at a minimum. They are saying that if she does live longer she won't necessarily have more quality and it could be less with the Chemotherapy. She is married happily, has 3 children, a high schooler, a child in early elementary school and a pre-schooler. A community of people are taking the family meals daily and doing what they can to support this family. We will all make efforts to help and support them as much as we possibly can.

Just yesterday I ran into one of her closer friends at the local grocery store... we were both tearful as we discussed the grimness of it all but there was also a feeling of peace and gratitude. Both Stacy and I talked about people who have beat the odds. As well we discussed how our own sorrows and difficulties suddenly feel very light and it seems that life takes on new meaning. Something else that occurred to me as I read "Kathy's" Blog. She has almost no self-pity... she is sharing her journey and is very frank about what is going on. She is has a wealth of gratitude for the love around her and chance to share her story. There is almost a sense that although she is making a choice that holds life and death much closer she is living and is choosing to live. It's uplifting in a way that intellectually seems odd but it still makes sense. I think it makes sense to me more when I look back at times in my life where I was so miserable I wasn't alive I was rather missing out on life altogether and I recall the exact point that I chose to change that perspective, making some different choices that pulled me out of the scrap heap of living dead. Kathy is reminding me that none of us knows if we will see tomorrow and that at least for me I've been given a chance to choose life. It's part of the joy of being in my 40's to relish what has been and know that we don't have forever. I'm fortunate I know... my children are well, my husband is a wonderful man, my home is beautiful and my life is calm most of the time. I admit I like living on the edge but I also really cherish the sweetness of the day to day life that holds it's routine on the circuit of the ordinary. Life gets a little sweeter although sadder too when you are face to face with the detail that life is not forever. I remember a dear older friend telling me that joy does not exist in absence of pain but the good news is pain has it's sweetness too. Thank you Don for those words of wisdom.