Positive versus Negative or Reality?

Discussion that has evolved over time on Facebook with a few friends. Does positive thinking or Optimism lead to a better life or is it just a way to avoid reality (or something along those lines)? I do appreciate Facebook for bringing me closer to the discovery of cross cultural, multi-religious (or non-religious), across the political spectrum lifestyles. It has brought me You-Tubes as well that range from extremely banal and stupid to those with more deeply crusty subjects. It has kept me in touch with friends I probably would have never reached out to again... it has with the touch of a button on my computer given me the thought of the day around the world. With that said...

There was an article in the NYT Opinion posts that brings to light the positive thinking movement has it's down side as well as detractors. I AM a fan of positive thinking and optimism so this article caught my eye. The writer was talking about health outcomes more than life outcomes... I'm not certain the article has much meaning overall.

I do have to say though that the positive thinking focus can have it's downside.
I would agree that we aren't all dealt a good hand just because we have led a "good" life or come from a "good" family. On the other hand we are not marked for a bad life if we have otherwise made mistakes and knowingly faltered along the path of the righteousness (don't tell my Catholic mother I said that). I've watched good people die... I've seen those who don't seem to care much live a long alcohol/drug soaked life... I've seen good people fall off the wagon and kill others (this is very painful to reconcile)or lose a child violently (as well mind boggling) and I've seen people who had totally selfish pursuits find the God (good) of their understanding and rise up out of the disaster of their own making. It's a mixed bag. Just what is positive and negative as well can have a broad range of definition. Just as life span doesn't mean we have done it right (or wrong)... the meaning of a good life doesn't often come carefully defined and death isn't necessarily a negative.

I really appreciate the discussion overall... thoughts?

I really love the holidays. It's hard sometimes but I do. This one is going better than the last two years. I've scheduled in calm and joy. I've learned it's definitely something you have to schedule in. I had to move chaos off the calendar for a few hours. I had to consciously say no to anger. Stopped doing things that have no meaning (they may have had meaning in the past or meaning to someone else... it takes a question to the heart). I had to stop doing too much. That last one is the hardest part for me especially when people seem to have some authority in my life to tell me to be somewhere at a particular time but I was able to avoid a couple of things that were easily scheduled for another day later. Some things in life have more emotional weight. It takes time to handle and recover from certain tasks. It's also important during the holidays to know that some days just waking up brings emotional weight. The difficulty of mornings that are colder, darker and closer to the holidays with all it's parties and fun fun fun!!!! I thought a few times that I had underscheduled my day but guess what things did come up... a dead battery, a child who woke up realizing that homework had not been done after a tiring night... a sick boy... a friend in need. Never fails that life brings it on.

I just wanted to say... Merry Christmas (Mary!) I don't think there are too many people who read my blog (I may get braver in the New Year and swear once in awhile in here! /snicker/) Happy New Year and a whole lot of peace and quiet to you!

The possible demise of this blog...???

I don't know how to change my primary e-mail address? I tried and it said I couldn't use my new e-mail address... sooo I tried my yahoo e-mail address but my primary e-mail address is still the old e-mail that will no longer exist come the 1st of the year. hmmmm... what to do... what to do?

checking into the help desk here... wish me luck. I really don't want to lose it.

Here I am...

Haven't written for awhile. Just don't know how to get thought out clearly. So so much going on. I guess the truth is my thoughts are mixed and my experiences are even more mixed and varied. It's hard to put it all into words. I go up and down and back and forth with it all. I get hauled away from my words and thoughts frequently and I'm trying to keep it all together here at home. It's not hard to do that but it is hard to keep my focus on where I am at any given time. Bottom line is I'm loving life so long as I remember to put my best self forward. Sometimes things are happening so fast I end up like the junk yard dog... mean and just sitting in it. I thankfully have some restraint but there are times I'd give anything for a quick wit and a strong word to some of the people who are in my way and not at all needing to be there.

I really need to line up my horses in a formation that gets the calvary moving in a strong force. I need to make sure to keep my posse in a good mood. I almost always have to be the leader, the promoter, the entertainer and the healer even with people where that isn't my job. I need to definitely be smarter than "they" are.

Heaven help me as I work my way through this part of my life. With God by my side I will find my way through this and in the end everyone will be better for it!!!

This picture makes me laugh with a feeling of just lightness. Such cuteness is barely legal in my opinion.

Moving on into 2010...haircuts

The girl cut. She had long hair for awhile. I hope there were more reasons for her to cut it than because her sister and I poked her. But even if it the only reason I love her in shorter hair. She didn't go as far as I wanted with a stylish bob but she did let me dictate the wedge going forward to be longer in front by a bit. She loves it but was upset some didn't notice her new do. She was so cute about it by hiding it under a had at one point until she was in her class room.

Oh I Love this boy so much!!! First haircut. He wanted it done and did very well. His sisters both had haircuts. He looks so cute. It was hard to do this because for awhile at least he had the most scrumptious curls and sweet baby face to go with it. Now his hair looked shabby and drabby. It was harder to get it to curl and be cute. So here is the boy. Ta da da da!!!!

Teach Only Love: Anxiety

Teach Only Love: Anxiety

Anxiety

I started in November with what I believe are anxiety attacks, I had no evidence to the contrary. There are not tests strips or lab results to say and I confess I've not been to a doctor (part of the reason is I don't know exactly what to tell him has happened... it's so multifaceted. More so I don't want to start of any alarm bells in an already 4 alarm mind that I possess) . The first one I realized I had experienced was a whopper. I stopped my friend who was sitting next to me while she drove her oversized van in her tracks. "Somethings wrong!" She looked at me telling me I was white as a ghost. It all came out in triplicate. I was not in charge of my body. I felt like I was in the ether which in some ways isn't a bad feeling but on the other hand I had no control over certain parts of my being. Heart racing... mind going wild... legs wanting to run... feeling terrified but way too calm? My dearest most bestest friend takes my 4 toddler kids and lets me tend to the rest of my day with my two older girls dance schedules. She makes us all dinner. I have time to breathe and think. It is so clear to me that anyone with 4 children under the age of 4 has the profound right to feel a bit of anxiety but as well had better get a grip on it. I don't want to blame my kids for the way I feel so I begin to look beyond that as well for answers. Bingo! I realize how much I take in. Friends share their worries, my mother hands me her anger, I look at every situation as if it's mine to fix. I realize that I also have looked to food and caffeine for comfort. So I take the caffeine and other stimulants pretty much out of my day. That helps. I decide to take a few weeks off from taking on any responsibilities or worries that are not immediate problems causing harm if I don't get to them now. I buy play-doh, and get crafts for the kids to do to help them stay focused and out of trouble (what took me so long to figure this out... 97 cent jars of play-doh, toys with larger pieces that assemble, coloring books... easy clean up, cheap and fun!) As well I begin to really enjoy more of what is. Turn the coin over from worry a bit more to how fun it is to just do what is in front of me. It's simple... but far from easy to change your mind to joy. I confess I like drama. I'm figuring out how to bring joy and drama together.

So here I am right before Christmas. My plan is 98 percent good... life has taken a turn for the better (of course there are those relapses that are actually really bad. I know when we try to change a habit it comes back around and really roars). I'm not perfect and I still want to improve in some areas. The anxiety is far from gone. One of the things that keeps popping into my mind now is very upsetting. About 5 years ago I was at home in AZ when I received a call from my mom. She is talking about a family we knew well, focus on the daughter whom I went to school with who was one year older than me... she had been found dead in the shower... died very suddenly... likely dead before she hit the floor. Somebody who was in her home found her. It was too sad to even begin to process this picture. The funeral was a mix of catholic tradition. The open casket, the family grief palpable, the church service morose, the talk and the disbelief, a reunion or sorts since we all had not been all in one room for years. Then there was revelation about someone in the family that no one knew... a few oddities that were revealed. Likely they were secrets that were forced out now that the situation called for fortitude. This wasn't anything that brought harm to anyone it just made the situation all the more shocking and heavy.

From that point I didn't bury my emotions it came out physically right at that moment and it hit hard. I know now though that with something sudden and shocking that it continues to come out in bit's and pieces after that. Here I am 5 years or so later and she's on my mind constantly. I do a gasp and I feel that anxiety coursing through me. She really has never been far from my thoughts. I realized now something I had not thought much about before. What happened to her is any young womans, mothers, persons worst nightmare (well for those of us who survived her). Leaving young children and a life behind scares me senseless. I refused to think of that at the time... too much and of course it's catastrophic thinking that goes nowhere good. Well it finally sprung out... catapulted into my awareness... big screen and in living color. I haven't quite figured out what to do about it. I know this is a source of some of my anxiety. The time has come to look at it and face the fact that not everything is in my control. Maybe the thoughts of her are more than just about her though... maybe it's more about all the control issues. I'm working on this aspect of things. I certainly can change many things about my diet... buy play doh... be happier but there are some things I cannot change. Again not easy changes but simple to think about. Brings me to the serenity prayer:

God Grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change
Courage to change the things I can... and...
The Wisdom to know the difference

Post note: right after I wrote this out Brittany Murphy is found dead of heart failure. At least for the moment that is the official word on it. Another woman succumbs to heart failure. RIP.

Motherhood...

4 years old today!!!!

Happy Birthday sweet boy of ours!!!!!!

I'm over that... Tuesdays Random thoughts

We have our furnace on now. I have a safe and new space heater for the bathroom. I have a bit of my wardrobe set for the colder days. I have my head worked around the hot drink and warm weather gear for those moments of insanity where I can't stand the feeling of tingling cold on or near by body. I think I might make it. Snow take me away!

Got through our yearly inspection and re-licensure for foster care. It went very well. I think I may have it all down to a bit of science. It's not a big deal but the first few years here I was so nervous about it. A big part of it this year was just updating the caseworkers and somehow without even thinking about it I have done it on a consistent ongoing basis each quarter. As well having a house that is in working order. Tim just got going on some painting here... mostly trim work that needed to be done. With an older house it's harder because when things get to a point of needing it badly it could mean chipping and having to sand the area first. Lead paint is the risk. We had a little upheaval with that and hopefully we will put that behind us. With one little rug rat that was on her hands and knees we have to be so so so careful.

I've been working through some difficulty I have with some of the prevailing attitudes around me. I know part of it has reflected my problem... (looking in the mirror is always a good idea when a problem arises). Where it seems to show the most is on my FB page. There are these disagreements. I watch some people do it so well... just agree to disagree. Others are just militant about their views and can't seem to understand why they create choas and upset. These are the folks with super militant views... very much "my way is the right way and why can't you see that!" Why it bothers me is that it has ended a few friendships right out the door of our Facebook friendship. Actually I'm careful enough not to air my dirty laundry but I do confess to being more open about my views on things and sharing things likely I wouldn't be inclined to face to face (probably because I don't get to see people often enough IRL that I wouldn't have time) I wonder how these social networking sights will fare in years to come. Will they be able to reconnect friends and connect families in a civilized way or will they be cited for undo turmoil? I guess stay tuned.

I do apologize to the masses this last year and probably back a year or so. I have let go of birthday greetings. I'm in the process of forgiving myself for letting Christmas greetings go. I will do cards and what I can for gifts but I may get a bit more lax even there. I confess to having not enjoyed the season the last two years. I wake up with a headache trying to remember who I might have forgotten to gift. I have woken myself up into the New Year with grief and guilt as I recall another person I forgot. Letting go is good. Much of my gift giving will be in good order I'm sure but forgiveness is just going to be my seasonal motto this year.

Loving the Twilight series. Just finished the 3rd book. My oldest daughter is working on the 4th book so when she finishes I will be in that one like an obsessed person I'm certain. It's so nice reading again! We look forward to the movie "New Moon".

I love my life! (a good note to end on here!)

Winter....groan!

Winter weather just puts me in a bad mood. I closed my eyes around April sometime and just grimmaced waiting for the warmer days. Opened them mid-May to the sweet smelling warmth of early summer but... The summer went too fast. How could it be cold again! There is a beauty to the Fall and the festivities are grand as time rolls on. I am finding myself again seeking refuge in the fun of these next few months. The darker days, the cold wind, the soggy leaves, tight bundled clothes just came too soon.

Purging my mind on a Friday morning...

Just got up at 5 a.m. took myself out for a really bad cup of coffee at a local convenience store (Starbuck doesn't open until 7 a.m.) so that I could talk on the phone to someone in Phoenix at 8:30. Problem! the time is behind and not ahead so I called them at 2:30 a.m. and not 8:30 a.m. Duh! So here I am trying to work through a post that I started a week ago. I have been saying I wished I had more time in the mornings to do some things alone before the kids get up. Well I got it here. I drove around for a half hour before I realized what I was doing. I call it the "toddled brain syndrome". With 4 of them in my home right now I find myself a little off kilter.

Finished off the summer. Aquarium visit, weekly meetings with Early Intervention for K and J our youngest foster children, time at the mall, time at our cottage (one grueling but fun week when my mom visited), a visit from my mother (whinge!!).

Well school has started. We've been in the swing for about 3 weeks now. It's going well for the girls. I haven't heard either of them say they didn't want to go in the early a.m. which makes it easier to get up and get motivated. I know I won't be fighting with them.

Just a quick emotional rant here: This blog is my happy place but sometimes I need to vent my spleen. I'm so tired of radical politics I could scream. Joe Wilson. I posted a reply in a NYT article (on-line) stating I'm more afraid of his ilk than I ever could be of foreign terrorism.

I'm looking for a way lately to get my balance. I often feel my life depends on it. Not that I won't live if I don't... it's that I won't be exactly feeling alive and well. God Bless my little angels. I love them to bits but I need to find a way to balance some activities for all of us. It's possible and I'm working on it.

Tuesday...

Summer is slipping away pretty quickly. I loathe going to the store and seeing the "back to school" sales coming on in July. We are heading back around August end. PTO e-mailed to let us know of the different positions opened for the multiple activities they work as fundraisers for the school. I wish there was not only a law that stated you cannot put out Christmas decorations (or even mention Christmas until the first week in December) likewise you will be harmed if you mention school or have sales for school anytime 2 weeks prior to school beginning.

Anyhow I still have plans. I want to get to the Baltimore Aquarium. I want to spend a week at our cottage. I want to sleep in at least a few more times. I would love to get to a few more minor league baseball games. I would love to entertain a few more times with good friends in our back yard or at the cottage. I'm really aching to hit a carnival or two (no rides but plenty of fair food!!!) Just to name a few things.

I think I can rest easy with summer running away so long as I can accomplish these goals and a few surprises to bring it all to a close.

Change is inevitable, pain is optional

My husband Tim is sitting next to me as I'm sobbing. What a day I had. I recount my getting lost on a road that brought me to sluggish traffic and than a deadlock on a highway. As I sit in traffic with 5 very grumpy kids I vow not to end up at the mall. I'm want what started as a country ride to nowhere to end up being something a little more productive. As they say when you are heading nowhere that is where you will end up (or something like that). I finally see the mall and there we are. Now the kids are happy and I'm grumpy. Thank God it had a play area. Then I take my son to the bathroom. He is progressively potty trained but not always making it in time. I have to clean him up and it's not pretty. I put my cell phone down to keep it from getting drowned in the sink... then I forget it. Finally we leave and I'm resigned this was a "good" day (although I had envisioned much better at a park or a museum). We leave and I get on the wrong highway back to the cottage. I didn't notice it was the wrong road until I was quite far from my destination (this time I "knew" where I was going). Then I notice my cell phone is missing when I go to call Tim to ask him the best way "home" from way far away. So I turn back. I am requesting the kids pray that the mall is open late. Thank God the prayers worked. They say that God listens to children. I've got 5 at the moment so graciously I had an advantage. I go in and find my phone at the security desk. They ask me my name and then tell me that my husband had called me. I roll my eyes thinking of what me might have said to them "oh she lost the damn thing again!!!" I had just lost my keys a few days earlier and a stroller about 3 weeks before that. Not all these losses were my fault entirely but they stung none-the-less. I finally get us on the right road back to the cottage for what I hope is a peaceful weekend. I take a few things out of the car and head for the door... open the screen door and start to walk through when the door comes very quickly to a close before I get my left foot inside taking all the skin off a back portion of my leg down by my ankle. I gasp and hobble to the deck which is several steps away in order to sit down outside where the blood will be less of a problem (rugs versus wood deck... it wasn't an easy choice) when I notice too late the sliding screen door is not open... I knock the door off it's track, the screen tears and I go falling onto my hands on the deck on top of the whole bent out door. Flash to the sobbing part where my husband is listening to his wife rehashing the day in incoherent sentences. He tells me that I've done this all before... the last time we made changes in our life. Our move of 3 years before was fresh on his mind. Here I am in our new cottage (Mary pictures will be up here eventually!!) trying like a mad woman to enjoy it or else. I remember that when we first arrived in our new state I was under the same kind of "do or die" stress. Change... even positive and fun changes can be stressful... but pain is optional! Next time I need to beware of the doors!

Okay... it's Wednesday... barely!

It is 1:20a.m. This has been a trend lately. Started actually before the end of school. I discovered I can actually get things done at this hour of the night w/o interruption. The house stays clean when I tidy up. I can think thoughts in a steady stream without interruption. I am able to wake up in the morning in a fairly good mood (provided I get some sleep after I hit the pillow) because I have completed what I started for the day. I also know that my nicname is true. I'm a "nightowl". Have always been and likely will always be. Mornings are nice but I really do love the night.

My problem. I have one child who like me loves to be up so I'm not always alone. She unlike me needs more sleep and she does become a rather transformed nasty thing when she doesn't get enough so I need to encourage her not to follow me in staying up for countless hours.

So I'm off the showers. I am beginning to feel a little rough around the edges right now because in addition to being up when I want to be lately I've not been sleeping even when I want to. Don't know what that is about but I'm sure that it end sooner or later and I will slumber well (hopefully sooner!)

Random Thoughts

Haven't put a word down here in awhile. Between Facebook, my comfy internet groups, kids, home, friends in the flesh, husband, vacation, holidays, etc and not necessarily in that order I forgot about my blog?! Hmmm. I want desperately though to write about summer. Before it is over. Oh my. I'm just wanting to capture the joy of it... bottle it somehow... take copious notes and weave it into a garment I can wear and just enjoy. I just love it. I love all aspects of this. The warmth of it, the color, the brightness, the lull, even the soggy air.

It's also really nice right now because even though the rain is a little much it has kept the weather cooler for the most part. The kids are doing well. One dance class for my 8 year old. A week of camp for my 12 year old. Haven't quite figured out what to do with my 3 year old. We have a number of appointments for our two youngest (foster children) 2 and 11 months. I'm working to keep a balance. Not toooo busy but not missing a beat if I can. There are quite a few things to do... I tend to want to just flow with things but I also want to run around wildly taking in eeeeeverything!!!! The farmers markets, the parks, the celebrations, back yard parties (we haven't been invited to any but if we were!) the fruit stands, the crab and shrimp feasts to name only a few things. I likely will just opt for enjoying what comes my way or those things I see as I go. Packing 5 kids into a vehicle and carting them around (and without the double stroller I lost just a few weeks ago I might add) is a little daunting. That's okay though. I might get to enjoy a few things a bit more and savor the experience.

I thank God I also have a friend who will be there for me and help out with some of this task if needed. We have a child going for surgery this month to have ear tubes inserted and his adnoids taken out. We have a cottage up near a lake we will be spending time at. We also have a few dates on the calendar for visits from caseworkers and Early Intervention Therapists and a visit from my mother for a month. I'm know summer will not end before we enjoy many things I just look on now and feel a sense of it all... so much to do and so little time.

The hazy lazy side of me that needs to get away from it all is having so much fun!

Super Mom... dah dum!

I am always hesitant to take on that sort of moniker but guess what.... I'm applying for the job title. My oldest just came home with her 2nd bout of Strep in about 3 weeks. I was about to put my head in the ground when she told me her throat was sore and give her some pain killer and send her to bed (someone said strep doesn't return!) but I had a sane moment and decided to haul her to the doctors office immediately... in we go with 4 children 4 and under along with my tearful daughter.

The doctor finished up his visit with my daughter having to repeat his questions and comments a few times while I adjusted children into chairs again and again to keep some order in this very small exam room. I finally handed the 2, 3 and 4 year olds a pamphlet on Asthma and told them to study it hard because there will be a test! This was the only minute of quiet while they complied quizzically with my order. As we left, the doctor was sneezing fitfully telling me he thought maybe he was allergic to one of us. I laughed and told him likely it was the energy level that was causing some hiccups in his usually calm demeanor.

My foster son J was diagnosed Monday with a serious ear infection (they think his ears have been under water on and off for awhile because of prior problems he has had and I just find out his mom has had tubes in her ears so possibly something genetic?) My husband complained last week of a sore throat and is now on antibiotics for an upper respiratory bug. I have had countless other appointments with the kids for a variety of issues that have arisen. It has been just a steady stream of things that I consider easy peasy to deal with however, the reoccurring infections are not welcome and not easy as far as I'm concerned. They need to stop!!!

I know I signed up for this duty with the 6 kids. I personally love children and enjoy them. I'm still learning how to accept a little bit of loneliness in the job. I also accept some people not only think I suck at the job and must be insane to have all these kids under my roof but also there are those who think I deserve every ounce of difficulty that comes my way. I do make some peoples lives difficult so why shouldn't they be happy when mine is chaotic?

Anyhow I will gladly take the cape... red tights... a shiny blue leotard emblazoned with Super Mom!!! I'm sure then no one will disagree that I'm certifiable when I show up to buy groceries in my new outfit!

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