Ahhhh! Spring!

I will tell you since our move I have loved life much more thoroughly than I did in Arizona. Truely I did live in Arizona and I did accept life there but I remember as a child pretending I lived somewhere else and when we would back east or really anywhere that had trees, grass and even a small amount of humidity that meant thriving plants, flowers and trees I was so much happier. That was where my heart lived. Arizona does have green but it's not the same. The natural order of things in Arizona is desert... that is truely the way it's supposed to be. Those with green lawns and a larger amount of fauna and flora had to rob the water table to keep it so. The desert can be beautiful and the spring has it's own natural mystery and beauty it's just didn't reach the depth of my soul like it does here. This is home.

I must say before I continue my ode to the joy of spring that this last winter was very trying. A large part of it was that we really did not get that much snow (which really is what makes winter). There was too much ice and slush and cold rain. I was working to keep our heating bills down so I kept the thermostat at around 60 - 65 but I still paid high bills (well the darn rates went up and I will tell you it's highway robbery to be cold and pay between 300 and 600 in heating bills a month. My brain seems to shut down. A bear-like trait of hybernation of the senses. I couldn't think and I ran out of energy to generate creative ways to survive the cold. I found myself just waiting on the spring. Soooo...

Well it's spring! Yippppppeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! The flowers are blooming. It is between 40 and 70 outside. Wonderful to breathe in the lovely scent of life blossoming in the air. My brain has thawed out and I'm again alive with it all. My sense are awake... I can see everything in bloom, feel the warmth, touch the live movable earth (planting flowers), smell the fragrant blossoms and even hear the birds, wind and lawnmowers. It's all music to my soul. I can hardly wait for the farmers markets to open back up. I will dig out all my shorts and feel the sun on my skin again with the touch of dew and beauty of warm days that move to cool nights where we can bbq and enjoy the summer evenings outside. Then come the fire flys! Whoa! The beauty that inspires! I'm just in love with it all... it was worth waiting for. I will tend my garden, pour mulch in my flower beds, mow the lawn and pull weeds as they come up so I can feel and touch the earth some more. The parks are everywhere waiting for the kids to play all we need to do is decide which one to go to. How special we feel to be part of all this.

My 7 year old is a joy to watch. She found her first caterpiller this last week. She has made dozens of bouquets of dandylion flowers, picked buckets of purple wildflowers and dug in the brown earth to find more life that lives deeper in the soil. I learn from her as I watch her cherish the living earth. She has danced in the rain (well she danced in the snow too although there wasn't much of it). She can't seem to get enough of it. I'm in awe of her.

So off we go to revel in the spring and begin our long summer of joy!

Martian Child

I read the book back in 2005 I think it was. Possibly 2004? I was at a 2nd hand bookstore and the adoption section was right next to the kids books (how convenient!). As my two daughters sat and read I went and explored. The book "Martian Child" jumped out at me. I started reading it as I sat in the kids section. At that point we were on the way to being foster parents and adopting but as of yet had not gotten all of our paperwork through the bureaucracy. I was trying to avoid "points of view" that colored foster parenting with a negative hue. I so believe that it's important to know all you can know but at the same time I believe it's important to go into things with some positive truth from the heart. Up to this point I had had my fill of the negative.

So there I was carefully reading this book and I couldn't put it down. David's writing held me captive although there was one chapter I struggled with. It likely was my difficulty in understanding the depth of what was going on from my inexperienced point of view. His metaphor and meaning hit me deeply. He had a sense of humour and a grasp on life renewed through adoption. He was unfailing in his love but true to the depth of his frustrations.

I was disappointed though in the movie. I don't think it did justice to the book or the subject matter. I adore John Cusack and Joan Cusack... Bobby Coleman, the child star in the movie did a superb job. All are very talented and I was inspired by the movie at times but overall it disappointed. Now as a foster parent, foster/adopt parent and a continuing advocate of fostering I thought it left too much open and unexplained for those who don't know what it is like. The story line was changed possibly because society isn't ready for the truth (sadly enough!). While the truth may have muddied the waters of what this was really about there were some parts of the book that needed to be explored more thoroughly. The issue of family needs to be challenged though overall so I think the truth needs to be told more fully or not modified to such an extent that it's so politically correct. Where was the wonderful Jewish grandmother? Far too many of the struggles were watered down and the joys not explored enough. "Somewhere" was not given his rightful role. He was such an important part of things, the four legged peacemaker. Moreso Dennis was so much more real and less Martian in the book although yes, this was his deep cover and a hugely intelligent cover at that which the movie did explore. I just wanted more of the human endeavors that were shown in the book.

I recommend the book be read first and then watch the movie on DVD. After it is over watch the special features so you can see the Author and Dennis in real life. And then see how the movie was made and the inspiration in how it was made. I think going beyond the movie into the world of parenthood and childhood by seeing how Bobby was discovered and how he so courageously took on this role gave more meaning to the movie. Children are so under rated in our society... so under appreciated for what they are. So in the end I think it is important to see this movie then dig a bit deeper and find inspiration in the special features grasp a bit more of what it's all about.

Spring Break

Well it wasn't much of Spring. We went to Massachusetts for 8 days. I wondered what possessed me to agree to going to MA in what would be a 20 to 30 degree week? Why did I even think of going North? Had I lost my mind!?!

Actually I do know what gave me the notion of going to MA. I focused on the wonderful world of New England! I imagined American History (a love I've had since the the 5th grade)... Boston a big city, being able to connect to the ocean, Cape Cod, Martha's Vineyard. I just wasn't connecting with the notion that it really isn't the time of the year to fully enjoy those things.

The good news: No Crowds!!! Plenty of indoor things to do! It didn't actually get as cold as we thought it would. We visited with two sets of friends. Doughnuts are plentiful there! (or is that bad news... they have Dunkin Doughnuts every half mile!) Boston is wonderful! The accents of some of the people just thrilled me to no end... I wasn't disappointed! Pahkin ya cah is wicked hahd! Giggle!!!! We got to thoroughly enjoy some Thai food which I hadn't had in almost 2 years since we haven't found a place in PA that specializes in it yet (MA is multicultural)! The last day we were there they opened Plimouth Plantation and we were able to go there and enjoy... it was warm that day! I learned to read maps (I'm usually so challenged to figure out roads and highways but I actually did it!)

The not so good news: Many areas of Cape Cod and Martha's Vineyard don't open until April (It worked out since we were able to spend more time doing other things and we got the lay of the land for future crowded summer visits to CC and MV. It was still disappointing though.). It was in fact cold for the most part and the beach was pretty hard to enjoy. It rained two days so we were not only cold but wet a few times.

The Highlights: Boston Aquarium, Woodshole Aquarium, Boston Kid's Museum, Easton Kids Museum, Cape Cod, Martha's Vineyard, Thai Food, Plimouth Plantation and the Mayflower II, Falmouth Shopping Area, Visiting with Chris and Paul. Visiting with Dorothy and Marty. Sleeping in a warm cabin and enjoying time as a family.

Mind you we had 4 kids with us on this trip. The two oldest got their fill since many of the things we did were geared to them. They were open to learning, shopping, eating fun food and running around Plimouth Plantation. The boys ages 2 and 3 were challenged by the limitations of having to stick close to the big people. They had trouble with the limitations of being 2 and not being able to just cross those railings, touch that glass object and vocally expressing themselves how and when they wanted to. Andrew did delight us and have a few good days of going potty in the potty and his key phrase was "poopy come out!" He would giggle and strain to make this occur. He at one point told me as he pointed to his belly button "mommy push my belly there!" Our little foster son was overjoyed to see the ocean and ran up and down the beaches that we stopped at. He loved his sleeping bag and he took great pride in being with "daddy". The boys love "daddy" and this was a spectacular experience for them to get so much time with Tim.

We look forward to future trips away from our new home. We are carving out new niches in our experience since the east coast is not familiar to us as of yet. This was a positive move forward for us to know we can venture out and explore. It was also exciting to know with our larger family base we are able to handle and enjoy as we explore.

Random Thoughts

My little boy was sick this week. Took him to the docs office Tuesday and they were able to get him turned around. He likely has bronchitis but this little boy is challenged with Asthma type symptoms (has not been diagnosed as of yet) whenever he gets sick. He was having a very hard time breathing. His lungs were tight and coughing was painful to watch and listen to. He strained so hard he was using his whole body to cough. He is on an antibiotic that I believe has helped and we had to increase the number of albuterol treatments we do for him. We also use Prendisone in his nebulizer daily. Usually these treatments are frustrating for both of us. He doesn't like to sit through them and if he sits well at all for this treatment I have to have something entertaining on the DVD so he can focus on it. These are times where he is well and not showing any symptoms. We are supposed to do the Prendisolone daily and the albuterol as needed (I prefer the inhaler when we just need it once or twice in a day). Well Tuesday he not only sat the whole time w/o anything on the DVD but he would fall asleep. He slept most of the day. The only plus side was I was able to hold him for long periods of time and just look at him almost like when he was newborn. He is just the most precious boy. Sweet wisps of strawberry blonde hair, beautiful brown eyes, sweet rosy lips and a chubby little round face. He was a little snuggle bunny. So sweet! I was glad when he found his energy and vibrancy again but I do miss the sweet armful of baby boy that was willing to lay there for a duration of time. He is doing much better now but at times he will still let me hold him for few minutes while he sips out of his cup. Childhood woooshes by so fast and I thrill at the moments when I can slow down a bit and watch it more closely and marvel at it.

Dance fever...

I recently decided to take up a dance class. Then someone told me about another class that sounded compatible with the first one so I decided to take two. How bold am I! Two nights a week sounded like a great way to start moving more creatively. I also wanted to find out if I could actually move in an organized manner. I knew that it would likely involve coordination. I thought if nothing else I could work in the direction of learning and gaining some confidence in myself. But wow did I end up disappointed. The class I was enjoying the most was cancelled after 6 weeks. In those 6 weeks I do believe I gained some knowledge of basic dance steps but I wasn't able in those 6 weeks to do most of the steps. I really felt the learning curve was a large one. At one point my 11 year old daughter was with me and although I know she was proud I was there and only wanting to strut her own knowledge after 1 1/2 years of taking classes at this studio, she took me to task with a flourish for being so clumsy, telling me I wasn't paying attention. I stopped her at one point and said "will you knock that off... this is really humiliating to be in this class right now!" She looked at me, eyes wide and didn't say another word. I knew she understood but still I had been taken down a notch. My eyes, my brain and my body did not want to work together to process the information I was getting from this very skilled teacher. At one point we were supposed to kick high, head in the air off to one side with our arms moving in another direction and move across the floor taking these steps several times then turn around and reverse that pattern. I know that part of the problem was that I was in front of my peers and as well I don't think I've had to use my brain and body together in that way since early childhood in my ballet class. In spite of this I was disappointed that the class ended. I knew the humiliation would have continued in that class but I was up for the challenge. My other dance class continues. I remind myself "don't quit today". This class is more repititious which gives me a chance to learn and gather my footing more carefully yet it still goes too fast sometimes for me to really "get it all". I do see progress (sometimes more than others). The teacher is so gentle and encouraging. In spite of the frustration I think maybe I'm doing okay?! In the end we will be doing a recital (I haven't had the nerve to ask who will be in the audience yet. I don't know if I want to know yet how public this will be.)

The other day I was talking to a dear friend about my feelings and the disappointment I feel every so often with the dancing. I don't know what I wanted really when I started. Who doesn't feel at times that finding hidden talents and sudden fame would be ideal but really there was a strong part of me that just wanted self expression. She said I really needed belly dancing or some dance movement that inspired and gave me a sense of the feminine. I agree with her. An inner part of me... the intuitive and inspired part of me needs that. I have to acknowledge I would love to be a performer but not necessarily for showing off. I want to show my more creative side... I'd love to be able to express myself creatively through dance. Even more I'd love to be able to sing and dance but I won't even venture to open my mouth in an attempt at harmony at this point unless I'm in the shower alone so dance seems like the safest bet. The jury is still out though.

I think it's important now that I have a family, a very devoted spouse and a busy life within that realm to take some time to finally figure out more about my own talents, and move towards something on my own for an hour or so a week. I know I'm not a craft person. I know that I do love to write but haven't quite found my way around that yet in more than a few poems, my journal and possibly my blog. Again my mantra comes up "don't quit today". I believe I was led to this dance class. There is a spark of light in me that says I wasn't supposed to continue the other class but it was supposed to lead me to this one that I'm continuing with? I believe it but then I find it hard to believe in myself sometimes. I got myself into this and I want to exit with more confidence that I can complete what I started. Last fall I took an acting class and that was fun. It was only the very beginnings of knowing what acting is all about yet I was able to do some skits with the acting group and as well a monologue "Melanie" who was an extremely self-absorbed shop-girl. I shocked myself in the end. I not only completed the class but I got out of myself and actually "acted". Wow! So when I falter I remember how insane I thought that was and I did it !

I've again have had to re-think my life. I have spent so long thinking that there is something I need to do. Well maybe I'm doing it... maybe it wasn't meant to be done any differently up to now and from now on? Who knows that I won't end up eventually finding a way to expand my brain and my life to include dancing and acting? In the end if nothing else is accomplished having completed the acting class and in working my way through the dance class to a recital I will have the knowledge that I did it. I hopefully will have a bit more coordination in the end although right now I feel as though I'm on the slow end of getting there but what's wrong with that? Maybe I'm on the fast end of getting to something else much more fulfilling? I want to be able to tell people that even though I wasn't another Lena Horne in the end I did get to know who Anne was a bit better and well I like that girl. She succeeded in finding some creative outlets and adding "dancer" and "actor" to her usual repertoire of who I have been so far. It's fun to not only find creative new ways to move but also creative new ways to think in the process too!

tagged someone else to make 5!

Emily... hello! I hope you make it here. I'm very new to blogging so there is not much content here yet, I really enjoyed reading yours.

http://secretburning.livejournal.com/

Check below for rules of being tagged and tagging others. Have fun!

and one more makes 4!

http://90degreesatmidnight.blogspot.com/ Clisby hello! Information on the tag is down below.