Dance fever...

I recently decided to take up a dance class. Then someone told me about another class that sounded compatible with the first one so I decided to take two. How bold am I! Two nights a week sounded like a great way to start moving more creatively. I also wanted to find out if I could actually move in an organized manner. I knew that it would likely involve coordination. I thought if nothing else I could work in the direction of learning and gaining some confidence in myself. But wow did I end up disappointed. The class I was enjoying the most was cancelled after 6 weeks. In those 6 weeks I do believe I gained some knowledge of basic dance steps but I wasn't able in those 6 weeks to do most of the steps. I really felt the learning curve was a large one. At one point my 11 year old daughter was with me and although I know she was proud I was there and only wanting to strut her own knowledge after 1 1/2 years of taking classes at this studio, she took me to task with a flourish for being so clumsy, telling me I wasn't paying attention. I stopped her at one point and said "will you knock that off... this is really humiliating to be in this class right now!" She looked at me, eyes wide and didn't say another word. I knew she understood but still I had been taken down a notch. My eyes, my brain and my body did not want to work together to process the information I was getting from this very skilled teacher. At one point we were supposed to kick high, head in the air off to one side with our arms moving in another direction and move across the floor taking these steps several times then turn around and reverse that pattern. I know that part of the problem was that I was in front of my peers and as well I don't think I've had to use my brain and body together in that way since early childhood in my ballet class. In spite of this I was disappointed that the class ended. I knew the humiliation would have continued in that class but I was up for the challenge. My other dance class continues. I remind myself "don't quit today". This class is more repititious which gives me a chance to learn and gather my footing more carefully yet it still goes too fast sometimes for me to really "get it all". I do see progress (sometimes more than others). The teacher is so gentle and encouraging. In spite of the frustration I think maybe I'm doing okay?! In the end we will be doing a recital (I haven't had the nerve to ask who will be in the audience yet. I don't know if I want to know yet how public this will be.)

The other day I was talking to a dear friend about my feelings and the disappointment I feel every so often with the dancing. I don't know what I wanted really when I started. Who doesn't feel at times that finding hidden talents and sudden fame would be ideal but really there was a strong part of me that just wanted self expression. She said I really needed belly dancing or some dance movement that inspired and gave me a sense of the feminine. I agree with her. An inner part of me... the intuitive and inspired part of me needs that. I have to acknowledge I would love to be a performer but not necessarily for showing off. I want to show my more creative side... I'd love to be able to express myself creatively through dance. Even more I'd love to be able to sing and dance but I won't even venture to open my mouth in an attempt at harmony at this point unless I'm in the shower alone so dance seems like the safest bet. The jury is still out though.

I think it's important now that I have a family, a very devoted spouse and a busy life within that realm to take some time to finally figure out more about my own talents, and move towards something on my own for an hour or so a week. I know I'm not a craft person. I know that I do love to write but haven't quite found my way around that yet in more than a few poems, my journal and possibly my blog. Again my mantra comes up "don't quit today". I believe I was led to this dance class. There is a spark of light in me that says I wasn't supposed to continue the other class but it was supposed to lead me to this one that I'm continuing with? I believe it but then I find it hard to believe in myself sometimes. I got myself into this and I want to exit with more confidence that I can complete what I started. Last fall I took an acting class and that was fun. It was only the very beginnings of knowing what acting is all about yet I was able to do some skits with the acting group and as well a monologue "Melanie" who was an extremely self-absorbed shop-girl. I shocked myself in the end. I not only completed the class but I got out of myself and actually "acted". Wow! So when I falter I remember how insane I thought that was and I did it !

I've again have had to re-think my life. I have spent so long thinking that there is something I need to do. Well maybe I'm doing it... maybe it wasn't meant to be done any differently up to now and from now on? Who knows that I won't end up eventually finding a way to expand my brain and my life to include dancing and acting? In the end if nothing else is accomplished having completed the acting class and in working my way through the dance class to a recital I will have the knowledge that I did it. I hopefully will have a bit more coordination in the end although right now I feel as though I'm on the slow end of getting there but what's wrong with that? Maybe I'm on the fast end of getting to something else much more fulfilling? I want to be able to tell people that even though I wasn't another Lena Horne in the end I did get to know who Anne was a bit better and well I like that girl. She succeeded in finding some creative outlets and adding "dancer" and "actor" to her usual repertoire of who I have been so far. It's fun to not only find creative new ways to move but also creative new ways to think in the process too!