Dance fever...

I recently decided to take up a dance class. Then someone told me about another class that sounded compatible with the first one so I decided to take two. How bold am I! Two nights a week sounded like a great way to start moving more creatively. I also wanted to find out if I could actually move in an organized manner. I knew that it would likely involve coordination. I thought if nothing else I could work in the direction of learning and gaining some confidence in myself. But wow did I end up disappointed. The class I was enjoying the most was cancelled after 6 weeks. In those 6 weeks I do believe I gained some knowledge of basic dance steps but I wasn't able in those 6 weeks to do most of the steps. I really felt the learning curve was a large one. At one point my 11 year old daughter was with me and although I know she was proud I was there and only wanting to strut her own knowledge after 1 1/2 years of taking classes at this studio, she took me to task with a flourish for being so clumsy, telling me I wasn't paying attention. I stopped her at one point and said "will you knock that off... this is really humiliating to be in this class right now!" She looked at me, eyes wide and didn't say another word. I knew she understood but still I had been taken down a notch. My eyes, my brain and my body did not want to work together to process the information I was getting from this very skilled teacher. At one point we were supposed to kick high, head in the air off to one side with our arms moving in another direction and move across the floor taking these steps several times then turn around and reverse that pattern. I know that part of the problem was that I was in front of my peers and as well I don't think I've had to use my brain and body together in that way since early childhood in my ballet class. In spite of this I was disappointed that the class ended. I knew the humiliation would have continued in that class but I was up for the challenge. My other dance class continues. I remind myself "don't quit today". This class is more repititious which gives me a chance to learn and gather my footing more carefully yet it still goes too fast sometimes for me to really "get it all". I do see progress (sometimes more than others). The teacher is so gentle and encouraging. In spite of the frustration I think maybe I'm doing okay?! In the end we will be doing a recital (I haven't had the nerve to ask who will be in the audience yet. I don't know if I want to know yet how public this will be.)

The other day I was talking to a dear friend about my feelings and the disappointment I feel every so often with the dancing. I don't know what I wanted really when I started. Who doesn't feel at times that finding hidden talents and sudden fame would be ideal but really there was a strong part of me that just wanted self expression. She said I really needed belly dancing or some dance movement that inspired and gave me a sense of the feminine. I agree with her. An inner part of me... the intuitive and inspired part of me needs that. I have to acknowledge I would love to be a performer but not necessarily for showing off. I want to show my more creative side... I'd love to be able to express myself creatively through dance. Even more I'd love to be able to sing and dance but I won't even venture to open my mouth in an attempt at harmony at this point unless I'm in the shower alone so dance seems like the safest bet. The jury is still out though.

I think it's important now that I have a family, a very devoted spouse and a busy life within that realm to take some time to finally figure out more about my own talents, and move towards something on my own for an hour or so a week. I know I'm not a craft person. I know that I do love to write but haven't quite found my way around that yet in more than a few poems, my journal and possibly my blog. Again my mantra comes up "don't quit today". I believe I was led to this dance class. There is a spark of light in me that says I wasn't supposed to continue the other class but it was supposed to lead me to this one that I'm continuing with? I believe it but then I find it hard to believe in myself sometimes. I got myself into this and I want to exit with more confidence that I can complete what I started. Last fall I took an acting class and that was fun. It was only the very beginnings of knowing what acting is all about yet I was able to do some skits with the acting group and as well a monologue "Melanie" who was an extremely self-absorbed shop-girl. I shocked myself in the end. I not only completed the class but I got out of myself and actually "acted". Wow! So when I falter I remember how insane I thought that was and I did it !

I've again have had to re-think my life. I have spent so long thinking that there is something I need to do. Well maybe I'm doing it... maybe it wasn't meant to be done any differently up to now and from now on? Who knows that I won't end up eventually finding a way to expand my brain and my life to include dancing and acting? In the end if nothing else is accomplished having completed the acting class and in working my way through the dance class to a recital I will have the knowledge that I did it. I hopefully will have a bit more coordination in the end although right now I feel as though I'm on the slow end of getting there but what's wrong with that? Maybe I'm on the fast end of getting to something else much more fulfilling? I want to be able to tell people that even though I wasn't another Lena Horne in the end I did get to know who Anne was a bit better and well I like that girl. She succeeded in finding some creative outlets and adding "dancer" and "actor" to her usual repertoire of who I have been so far. It's fun to not only find creative new ways to move but also creative new ways to think in the process too!

tagged someone else to make 5!

Emily... hello! I hope you make it here. I'm very new to blogging so there is not much content here yet, I really enjoyed reading yours.

http://secretburning.livejournal.com/

Check below for rules of being tagged and tagging others. Have fun!

and one more makes 4!

http://90degreesatmidnight.blogspot.com/ Clisby hello! Information on the tag is down below.

Okay... enough about not feeling well!

Health is an interesting topic particularly when I don't feel all that healthy. My view is that no matter how I feel my body is heading toward optimum health. Detoxing... renewing and all so I will change the view I have of this nasty stuff I'm dealing with and foward to health and change on all levels!

and another one for the tag....

http://ruthtopple.blogspot.com/

Hi Ruth... I hope you make it here!

Anne

So far I have found two people who blog....

two people who were not mentioned by Pep!

1) Deanna http://www.away2me.typepad.com/

2) Bek: http://www.ignorethecrazy.blogspot.com/

I have been tagged...

I've been tagged by Pep! Please visit her Blog at http://peprmntpatti120.blogspot.com/
Once tagged, link back to the person who tagged you. Post the rules on your blog. Post 7 random or weird facts about yourself on your blog. Tag 7 people and link to them. Comment on their blog to let them know they have been tagged.

7 random things about me...

I've seen snakes near my home AZ, had one in my house in AZ and lived through the fear to talk about it. A rattler no less /faint!

I am/was a licensed Substance Abuse Counselor (was because I let it lapse once I decided to stay home with kiddos)

I love Sushi!

I drink tea every day... have not had coffee in about 10 years.

My favorite color (I guess it's not a color though?) is black. I find it warm and safe and expansive!

My secret ambition has been to work as a Barista and a coffee hub, maybe even own one of those great places... they are great places where people gather

I really want to be able to dance and sing (at this point it's something I'm working towards and I'm not very good at it)

I will post later those I tag because Pep tagged the only people I know with Blogs. I'm so new to this that I don't know that many people with blogs. I may have to meet some new bloggers : )

Another day with a bug...

Well I made it through another day. Woke up feeling alright but I had had a few coughing fits in the night and was awake for too long in the dark hours. I was not rested. I had planned to take the kids to the MD Inner Harbour today to do something. Our plans shaped up this morning with the focus on the Science Center. With President's Day off I knew keeping these kid in the house again would not be a good experience. We could take the 1.4 hour drive and walk a half block to get there and spend the day, eat some food someone else prepared... keep the house as clean as it was when we got up and hopefully preserve everyones sanity. It worked for the most part. Having only been there a few times I forgot how crowded it can get. Parking with my oversized an proved a challenge. The usual garages were full and the others didn't have enough clearance. I found a surface lot but ended up not being able to cross over to that side of the street initially and then ended up on a highway to DC? Some of the streets in MD go right into highways w/o any way to get turned around before you are well on your way out of town. Took me a few miles to find a turnoff and got turned around and back to the lot. Yahooo! We got up to the science center and had a 30 minute wait to get tickets. Then the fun began. A bit of food and a really great place to just enjoy. Andrew was a gem! Q our foster son was a bit of a challenge because he was not able to stay with us when we let him roam on his own so he ended up in the stroller more than I really wanted him to be for the sake of keeping him close in a huge huge crowd of people. There were two exhibits at the Science Center we did not partake in... one was the Body Worlds (not sure it's appropriate for the smaller kids so we will travel back at a later date) and IMAX (kids voted it out). The place is so huge though it amounted to a days worth of exploration and we really could have used more time. http://www.mdsci.org/ check it out.
Weather was heavenly this morning which made it a great day to explore. The rain that was hitting the ground stopped right before we left the Science Center so we did not have to get wet to get back to the car. The kids really did show their true colors and behaved well all day. Ahhhh!

I got home and thankfully Tim said "lets go out for dinner!" My favorite words right now. So we did. We are home and I'm totally pooped. I feel better than I did last night but I'm still pretty achy, very tired, and pretty irritable. Not a sign of total health yet but I'm on the way I'm sure.

Searching for my soul...

As I wrote in my blog last we had been experiencing the winter blahs here. Flu bugs, colds and all that goes with it. Well I thought I was feeling better and somehow that reversed. I wondered why I crashed emotionally last night and pretty much lost track of the whereabouts of my soul. The title of my blog live-to-learn takes on a new meaning here. Learning is not always fun is it? I was hugely emotional, weepy and unsure of myself. I was out at a Play with my daughter and some friends. A wonderful experience of friendship and culture and I wondered what was going on with me.

Well it's a mixture of things I'm sure we all experience in our lives. Sleep has been shortened by coughing fits, headaches and sinus pressure at night. The cold drives me just nutty during the day since these last few weeks have been in the single digits and teens for the most part during the day (40 right now so the sun is shining somewhere). I absolutely love the snow but most of this cold weather has just been ice and overcast days which takes my already dreary mood into more of a challenging space. The fact that I have felt really good off and on has kept me off balance here. When I woke up this morning and I was achy and feeling really congested and pitiful I realized it's not gone whatever it is.

I can hear my mother saying "Go to a doctor!". Well I do not apologize for not being the type to run to the doctor when I feel blah. First off in the past I have done so only to walk away with nothing more than the reassurance that since there is no fever and I'm still walking upright and can eat something I won't die and I am not alone. The flu and colds are rampant during this season. Let's not get you started on antibiotics since those tend to increase the problem if you don't need them.

My husband asked me last night. What will help you? He had been sounding pretty "preachy" and irritated with himself because he didn't know what to say. I'm so full of gratitude that I have the love of a man who can step back and say "what do you need, what I'm doing doesn't seem to be helping". I simply unloaded a heap of tears and frustration with myself and everyone around me and he listened. At that point I said "nothing will help because I feel so badly I can't see through the fog... I need to know I am a worthwhile human being but I don't feel like one!" Then I had to step back and remind myself that it's not okay to just feel horrid and not find a way through this. It's not okay to be so grumpy with my kids and end up feeling guilty about it. It's not okay to just be miserable when there is so much love and peace in the world. I hated being me at that moment.

So I take a step back and I look around. What can I do to acknowledge where I am at. Again... this too shall pass... some people are just going through this fluish business for longer periods of time and I'm one of them right now. My kids are well, my husband is well (Thank God and all the Angels in heaven! LOL!) but I am down with this for a bit longer. I have to give myself permission to just take it easy... take it a bit slower... do the basics since I am capable of doing the wash, cleaning the house, tending to the kids needs. Cooking dinner seems to be more of a challange since the sight and smell of food is not pleasant at all so I ask myself, how can I better feed my family? It is possible to take a step back there as well but still find a way meet all our needs? Certainly it is and I need to not feel guilty about it. What are my options for just resting a bit more and knowing when my emotions run amok I need to take a break from the fast pace of things going on around me. Right now I want to quit one of my dance class (one of them may quit me because there are not enough people enrolled... unfortuantely it's the one I really want to keep taking). Okay... right now is not a good time to make major decisions so I will wait on that decision and any others that pop into my thoughts. Suddenly thinking all my friends are out to get me isn't a good idea either. My husband is a bit grumpier with me at times, as well as the kids but it rather makes sense I'm not a looking glass of happiness right now. My temper is shorter due to a bit less reserves and more stress. So in short it's time to take a few more tea breaks... counting to 10 or maybe 20 when my fuse seems to be short and re-evaluating the scene. Does it surprise me that the little ones are getting into a little more trouble when I am not able to get them outdoors right now and I'm not resourceful indoors? No so I will find a way to make our lives a bit more pleasant.

For the rest of the day I'm working on making apologies to people for my negative behavior and taking a bit of a slower route through my tasks at hand. I'm going to be figuring out by taking an inventory in my thoughts of how blessed I am. Great kids, super wonderful house to live in, money in the bank and the promise of enough security to handle all the bills and then some... the most wonderful loving husband with a sense of humour, the gift of insight, friends who care... the promise of Spring (literally and figuratively life will flourish and be renewed over and over again!) and so much more! Thank you God for a new day to evaluate my doubts, fears and difficulties and the gift of those who demonstrate this daily in my life!

Winter week of blues

After almost 2 weeks of feeling poorly (flu? and then sinus congestion, possibly infection), Tim going through the flu for a few days and the kiddos being sick one by one we finally all feel much better today. The last two days as well were snow days here (no school due to inclement weather). I know by now that "this too shall pass" but it's hard to focus when you don't feel good.
We really do have health to be thankful for. I recieved an e-mail from another mom who was telling me about the death (car accident) of a 16 year old girl. My heart breaks when I hear that. Please keep them in your prayers.

I'm off to make up for having missed some house cleaning and errands over the last week.

My First Blog Post... some of who I am... my life and how we got here!

Today is a very important day... is what I want to tell myself every day. As I am now 44 years of age and finally realize that it all starts right now...whatever... and it never ends. I'm trying to live a bit less of a life of trying and more of a life of doing though. I'm excited but many times disappointed. Old habits die hard... the ones I want to change. I have 4 kids (sometimes 5) as I am a foster parent. Tim and I have 2 biological daughters and we adopted the most wonderful little boy last October through foster care. Shortly after I had our first child my mother said to me "you were made for this!" I didn't feel it was totally true since motherhood has not come easy but I do know being married to Tim and being a mother is what I have wanted most of my life. The other few years I don't remember as I was in the cradle. Seriously I remember being in love with the idea of motherhood most of my life. Marriage was a mystery to me since I wasn't surrounded by loving marriages in my younger years. I seemed they were all pretty awful and several of my parents friends divorced. But as I grew into my pre-teen years Cinderella was my role model (although I don't know she ever had kids?) I remember thinking prince charming was out there. Well he was for me Thank God! I found my prince.

Okay... enough about that. We moved to Pennsylvania just year and a half ago minus 2 weeks. The transition was smooth. It was one of those moves that even though it took us 4 years to really make the decision to move and where we were going (another part of AZ? New Mexico? Florida? or Pennsylvania) and Tim had time to get a job once we decided to move to PA we still had a concern if this was the right place to be? We knew we had to leave what was then our home but we were just uncertain about taking this leap of faith. It was indeed a leap of faith. We visited Pennsylvania with the decision to look at jobs, homes and all (we had been getting newspapers and information for a few years on jobs and the housing market in areas around Carlisle and Harrisburg) We had 3 days. We had come in on a train over spring break with 4 kids (two of them were then foster children, one who has since been adopted along with a brother by a loving family and the other one is now our son). We rented a car and we literally drove from one place to another making decisions on our new life. Tim was offered a job. We then drove around looking at houses and found one we absolutely fell in love with from the outside. We had a Realtor show us the house and were hugely disappointed because it was not at all what we thought it would be once we looked inside. A lovely house but not near big enough for our family. She then took us to 3 more houses and we found the home we now live in. We also found a wonderful friendship with this Realtor!!! She and her spouse are our very good friends. Once we returned home we had to make an offer on the house and figure out how to finance. It all came together quickly and well. I was excited and have not lost that excitement but it wasn't all fun and joy. Moving is a chore!

Tim moved in may which was a few months after our trip out to PA, the kids and I followed in August after the swim team season was over and we had had time to say our Goodbyes to everyone we could possibly get to. He had given notice at his job in AZ and made plans for moving most of our belongings (well most of his "treasures" as he's a major "collector" of stuff and some of our belongings). We had a large property in AZ along with a 2nd house we stored things in. He did pare down his "collection" thankfully! I brought out the rest of our belongings and a few things that I knew Tim and his dad had brought onto our property from the railroad "bone yard" as they called it. It was interesting to me how as the days went on into months that I felt less attached to AZ and some of the people I had know over the years and became clearer on what had meaning to me... what I wanted to take... who I felt I was? I do have friends I miss terribly but those friendships have not ended! I still feel as close to those people as ever but I do miss seeing them whenever I want to. Some of my friends from AZ had left AZ even before we did and gave me wings to do the same thing and be happy with it.

So we arrived in PA with a feeling of a new beginning. We had visions of giving our children and ourselves more of a life. More adventure and opportunity for all! Pennsylvania has not disappointed us and in fact has brought us surprises! We were even prepared for the winters (which actually are mild but still we get the excitement of snow and days off of school in front of the fireplace with hot cocoa!) We have found tremendous friendships, a renewed faith and spirituality, fantastic roots (Tim's family had some beginnings in PA and I can go a state away to Ohio to visit some of my family history) and we have been able to grow in all areas of our lives in new and greater ways. The girls are taking Musical Theatre classes and really enjoying it, thriving in school. Our son is now 2. We have had 6 foster children come into our home and all but one has moved on to what hopefully is a better life from where they were before we got them... partially because of us but also because they were able to go to be placed with loving family. We hope to adopt 2 more children but are thrilled with fostering until then. Tim has settled in his current job and loves his work and the people he works with. I am home with the kids but I also take two dance classes that have given me a sense of breaking out into a bit more of a diverse identity for myself. I took an acting class in the fall and that was a tremendous boost to my sense of adventure! I also have made some terrific friends and love being in love with my new home. Any down sides? I'm not too sure about getting older yet. I have to be honest that for the first time in my life I solidly happy and I don't plan on letting my age get me down but being 44 takes a bit of adjustment for me. Where has the time gone. My oldest child is now 11 and I'm just in awe of her but how did she grow so fast!

Well I had better get off here now.... more later on life past and present life.