Searching for my soul...

As I wrote in my blog last we had been experiencing the winter blahs here. Flu bugs, colds and all that goes with it. Well I thought I was feeling better and somehow that reversed. I wondered why I crashed emotionally last night and pretty much lost track of the whereabouts of my soul. The title of my blog live-to-learn takes on a new meaning here. Learning is not always fun is it? I was hugely emotional, weepy and unsure of myself. I was out at a Play with my daughter and some friends. A wonderful experience of friendship and culture and I wondered what was going on with me.

Well it's a mixture of things I'm sure we all experience in our lives. Sleep has been shortened by coughing fits, headaches and sinus pressure at night. The cold drives me just nutty during the day since these last few weeks have been in the single digits and teens for the most part during the day (40 right now so the sun is shining somewhere). I absolutely love the snow but most of this cold weather has just been ice and overcast days which takes my already dreary mood into more of a challenging space. The fact that I have felt really good off and on has kept me off balance here. When I woke up this morning and I was achy and feeling really congested and pitiful I realized it's not gone whatever it is.

I can hear my mother saying "Go to a doctor!". Well I do not apologize for not being the type to run to the doctor when I feel blah. First off in the past I have done so only to walk away with nothing more than the reassurance that since there is no fever and I'm still walking upright and can eat something I won't die and I am not alone. The flu and colds are rampant during this season. Let's not get you started on antibiotics since those tend to increase the problem if you don't need them.

My husband asked me last night. What will help you? He had been sounding pretty "preachy" and irritated with himself because he didn't know what to say. I'm so full of gratitude that I have the love of a man who can step back and say "what do you need, what I'm doing doesn't seem to be helping". I simply unloaded a heap of tears and frustration with myself and everyone around me and he listened. At that point I said "nothing will help because I feel so badly I can't see through the fog... I need to know I am a worthwhile human being but I don't feel like one!" Then I had to step back and remind myself that it's not okay to just feel horrid and not find a way through this. It's not okay to be so grumpy with my kids and end up feeling guilty about it. It's not okay to just be miserable when there is so much love and peace in the world. I hated being me at that moment.

So I take a step back and I look around. What can I do to acknowledge where I am at. Again... this too shall pass... some people are just going through this fluish business for longer periods of time and I'm one of them right now. My kids are well, my husband is well (Thank God and all the Angels in heaven! LOL!) but I am down with this for a bit longer. I have to give myself permission to just take it easy... take it a bit slower... do the basics since I am capable of doing the wash, cleaning the house, tending to the kids needs. Cooking dinner seems to be more of a challange since the sight and smell of food is not pleasant at all so I ask myself, how can I better feed my family? It is possible to take a step back there as well but still find a way meet all our needs? Certainly it is and I need to not feel guilty about it. What are my options for just resting a bit more and knowing when my emotions run amok I need to take a break from the fast pace of things going on around me. Right now I want to quit one of my dance class (one of them may quit me because there are not enough people enrolled... unfortuantely it's the one I really want to keep taking). Okay... right now is not a good time to make major decisions so I will wait on that decision and any others that pop into my thoughts. Suddenly thinking all my friends are out to get me isn't a good idea either. My husband is a bit grumpier with me at times, as well as the kids but it rather makes sense I'm not a looking glass of happiness right now. My temper is shorter due to a bit less reserves and more stress. So in short it's time to take a few more tea breaks... counting to 10 or maybe 20 when my fuse seems to be short and re-evaluating the scene. Does it surprise me that the little ones are getting into a little more trouble when I am not able to get them outdoors right now and I'm not resourceful indoors? No so I will find a way to make our lives a bit more pleasant.

For the rest of the day I'm working on making apologies to people for my negative behavior and taking a bit of a slower route through my tasks at hand. I'm going to be figuring out by taking an inventory in my thoughts of how blessed I am. Great kids, super wonderful house to live in, money in the bank and the promise of enough security to handle all the bills and then some... the most wonderful loving husband with a sense of humour, the gift of insight, friends who care... the promise of Spring (literally and figuratively life will flourish and be renewed over and over again!) and so much more! Thank you God for a new day to evaluate my doubts, fears and difficulties and the gift of those who demonstrate this daily in my life!