My birthday boy!!!! 3 years old

Here he is! Amazing, beautiful and fun!!! We are in love more and more each day. He reminds us what it is all about as we rise to hear him squealing and laughing every morning. He brings us so much joy! Happy Birthday Mr. Andrew!!!

For the Love of a Rake

I didn't want summer to go. I was upset with this change of season. For me summer left too early... I was seeing Autumn as a precursor to death! It's a season that brings in the cold, the fruit stands close up, other markets as well close for the season, it seemed that things were going to end up drab and lifeless. Then as I was raking the first leaves of Fall I begin to think and look around me. As I'm gliding through I begin to understand. I feel a vibration. I fall in love! I'm not even disappointed after awhile as I dance the vibration that the darn wind is pulling more leaves off the trees as I'm raking. I begin to hit the tree limbs and bring down a deluge. The pile of leaves build in the street as I push more and more to this end point (the borough comes by and picks them up for mulching right off the street how lucky can I get). Well I'm excited! Tomorrow is another day and I can rake again! It's definitely Autumn, nothing I can do about and really at this point nothing I want to do about it! It's Glorious! I realize that this time of the year signals the grandiosity of nature. Nature that is much more bold than any other time of the year. She spreads color and then drops her creation all over. The winds blow, the temperature drops. The world seems to get a little moody but all in all I feel life smiling and dancing. The music is in my head when I see this wondrous party come to life!


Well there have been two more days of raking. Leaves are still falling. This morning when I looked out the yard (both front and back) were mostly covered with a blanket of leaves. The excitement built again and I spent a cumulative couple of hours raking. My younger daughter got into it and shared my excitement... "I made a path!" she said as she pulled the rake several times down part of the yard and pushed the leaves onto the side walk. I was glad to see that this excitement was shared. Some innocence as well that I love to see in my children!

There were many metaphors that rattled through my brain as I looked on my leaf load today. I realized there were Greek Myth that called to mind the uselessness of what I was doing. The lesson in futility! Sisyphus. Rolls the ball up the hill only to have it roll right back down and he is doomed to failure for eternity. I'm thinking of some of the more somber moments and somber people I've been around this last week... I'm thinking of the glass half full metaphor as well. I get to decide how I look at this. The most prolific metaphor I can think of at this point though is the fact we are all called to work in this life. We can point, stare, cry and twiddle our thumbs at the "leaves that fall and build over and over in our life" or we can rake with enthusiasm... even half the enthusiasm really is better than none some days.

As I raked through the election day and on into the next day I realized that no matter who won I would not feel entirely "glad". I had definitely cast my vote. My greatest consternation was that many people had misinformation about their chosen candidate and the "other" guy. I found myself checking the internet against the "facts" I received. No amount of "truth" was going to dis-sway anyone from whom they had placed their faith in. Issues took presidence and some sticky ones are always at the helm. No matter, all we can do is really have faith in what truth does work it's way through to the end result. We have a man who will take that highest seat. The bottom line is though we all have to take our own job in this life seriously... we all have to find our own peace with what we have. This has been a time of loss in the last months. It's due to greed, it's due to things outside the grasp of most of us. We didn't cause it persay but we have to live with it.

As I finished my leaf raking today I realized that for the love of a rake I had found my own answers to this dilemma. I want to face life today, tomorrow and on down the line this winter and on and continue to find that golden rake that will help me sift through and do my job with joy and a vibration. I wish this for everyone. Look to find the music in the air and dance with nature and the chores of the day to realize how wondrous and beautiful everything and every one around you really is and I guarantee you the results will be good. As one of my friends used to say "try it and if it doesn't work we will refund your misery without haste!"

Aleana turns 8!

This is my sweet 8 year old girl. Oh my how time flys. I just marvel at all my kids. The brightness, the charm, the intelligence, the rugged individuals that they are. How amazing! I'm blessed beyond belief. Happy Birthday sweet Angel!

Fall is coming...

Trying to distract myself. I'm still in the restless mode. Possibly it's the fall season that has me wanting to work to bring some change... seasons change the weather, the landscapes, the mood and although sometimes in my life things change w/o having to work at it other times it's important to be sure to plant, sow and reap in my own life. Today we recieved a packet of information on the local SWAN program and I'm hoping there is information we can make useful to move ahead with another adoption. I don't doubt we are moving towards this right now but I really need to make sure I'm open and not missing the cues. I also want to make sure I'm not to hasty or impatient? Being 45 right now doesn't help me though. Because I married at 32 and started having children at 34 I'm a late bloomer. I also know that 45 is the new 35 : )

With that said onward and upward with Fall and with adoption again! Went to buy some beautiful mums today... absolutely gorgeous! Some little pumpkins adorn the sidewalk by the side door. I'm moving towards beauty and abundance!

Getting Restless here...

As I've discussed here we are foster parents. When we were in AZ we pursued foster care as a means of adoption. We adopted Andrew when we got to PA through the state of AZ (late last year). It took us awhile to get to court on this. I'm not exactly sure why the wheels turn so slowly for this process but it seems it almost always does. Possibly it's part of the larger plan to integrate children into permanent homes with care? Who knows but we are so happy that Andrew is with us! He's a wonderful Gift from above.

In any event we have been looking to adopt again... one or two children (single or siblings, any race, any gender, open to medical issues with some caution). Foster care has been slow. We received a call on a child that was pre-adoptive but in the end we pursued this child and sibling but they only wanted to place him with us. That was the last we heard about it. There is always this lack of information and doors shut tight. We have not gotten a call on fostering since December. Prior to that we had a child that had come to us in February (she left in December when our current foster son Q came to live with us... Q will not be staying as he has 3 siblings and they will pursue placement with he and his siblings together and we are not the right home for them). I won't be critical of the system. I believe they are doing the best they can with what time and information they gather about their foster families. They are there to keep children safe and return them to their parents or families. They are not there to work with us on our goals. However...

Tim and I know our hearts and our capabilities. If we wait I'm thinking we are truly not doing what God intended for us to do. I feel restless, I feel pulled to do more. There are so many children waiting to be adopted and many who are coming into the system daily. I cannot wait anymore just working with the system as it is... Maybe we just needing to do some poking and get them to do a little more and be more aware of us as a foster/adopt family? (right now it's hard at our agency because they have two girls going out on maternity leave which puts them down to 2 caseworkers and a supervisor... dynamite people but that short changes them for completing all the paperwork, fulfilling the bureaucratic quota for this and that, and doing what is the larger job of taking care of the children they are entrusted with through the state) Maybe we need to move on? Is there a way to reach beyond where we are, to other parts of the state system but remain with the people we are working with? Maybe the answer is somewhere in there?

I went to Swan internet site here for PA. I saw 4 children that I just fell in love with. There were many many many children on this site and many who are not listed there. I made a call today to get more information on the SWAN program and got some answers on what we can do to work within the state to adopt again. We are not opposed in any way to fostering to adopt.... we just want to be know that we are going to meet our goal of adoption at some point again. There are too many children who need homes for us to sit here and dally around when we are willing and ready to adopt. It's not fair to them it's not fair to us. So off we go again.

I talked with Tim about this. He's a little hesitant only because he doesn't want us to have to start over or begin anew and waste time. He really thinks we can pursue this from where we are. I would like a smooth process as well. I don't want to do something that is unnecessary. We really love the folks we are working with and we don't want to damage that relationship. So prayers for us that we move carefully but not waste time. While I don't think we have wasted time thus far we need to move ahead to a new plan that gets us in touch with one of those 3 children or even another child who needs a loving permanent home! I'm ready! There is/are a child(ren) out there for us.

School begins

Tuesday is the big day. I'm off on a cleaning fit. I have to laugh. I went into the girls corner where they store their stuff. We obviously had not been there at least in part since school ended this last year. I went into my 7 year olds back pack and found some really interesting food stuffs. She had chips and they were in the original bag but they looked more like a candy bar. One big lumpy square of brown. EWWWW! Then my older daughter had something in a baggy in her dance bag. It was as well brown and fairly uniform but seriously unrecognizable. There were a couple water bottles that leaked in their bags so I'm thinking that whatever was going on was some metamorphosis related to the combining of water and whatever.

So laundry day here. I'm going to be getting them ready for school in the morning. Then we will be going off to the library. There is a school open house tonite. My older daughter will have an open house later I know but they usually ask that we not come as a family which bugs me. One of us stays home with the kiddos. Tim went last year so I think I will go this year if possible. I guess I can understand with this being a big school they don't want everyone to bring their siblings and grandmothers but why would we get a baby sitter (why would everyone want to get a baby sitter?!) just for a couple hours of school activity.

Another week gone. I spent the beginning of this one getting our ducks in a row for when school begins; getting new clothes, supplies and marking the calendar with open house dates and times. Also learned that our oldest will be taking 4 hours of dance a week. I was upset at first about this, it was more than I thought she would be doing. It made sense though when I read the paperwork for her classes. She auditioned for a competitive dance team and they sent us the required classes. She will be taking two hours related to her "home group" which is the group level she is involved in. As well she will be taking two hours of dance related to Tap and Jazz. the two areas of competition. It's actually going to work out fine. It is going to cost a bit more than I had planned on spending for dance but it is worth every penny. Good exercise, a disciplined learning experience with some challenge (but not too much) and she will derive a sense of confidence from this as well. This is her focus right now for extracurricular activity and something she enjoys. Our younger daughter will take one tap class. She is excited about it and it is something new to her. While she was involved in dance at the Theatre Academy last year this is a much more focused discipline for her and something she looks forward to. She can decide from there if she wants to get involved with a team or take on more dance as time goes on. She will be able to build on this experience. I also have a dance class one night a week. Took this class last year and enjoyed it. Hopefully I will again. While I'm not thrilled with the idea of a recital in the Spring I will endure.

I also put some dates on the Calender for the boys. Our youngest will be evaluated the first week in September to see if he needs any help with developmental skills. As he turns 3 in November they will be transitioning him to a classes outside the house if he does need services. I'm going to guess he will not need any additional services and can join a regular pre-school when the time comes w/o extra therapies. Our foster son was evaluated and they are sending him to Head Start this year. He will be in two years of HS before going to a regular kindergarten class room. Although he does not meet the 25% delay criteria for special therapies he is seen to be at risk for developmental and behavioral problems due to his being in the foster care system. It is not so much him as it is the fact that children who are in foster care have extra stressors and challenges. With head start we will have an open house early in September so he can meet his teachers and get acquainted with the classroom and then we also have meetings in our home. I'm not quite sure what the home meetings are about but we will find out.

I'm in the process now of listening to some audio tapes in the car. Love and Logic -- www.loveandlogic.com --. I was given these CD's about a month ago. I tossed them aside after hearing a brief summation of this parenting style. Sounded too simplistic and I didn't need it at the time. Suddenly this last week I realized our foster son and our son are becoming a bit more challenging as they time goes on. I needed something fresh to inspire. I thought it couldn't hurt to listen to the tapes and see if there is something that will be helpful to this developmental stage. Well what I've heard so far in the first 45 minutes is wonderful and I will elaborate more in another post about it. I highly recommend this study.... it takes a great deal of stress out of parenting and gives a good focus for helping kids to learn and grow. Really it is nothing new although their tactics go a bit farther than I'm used to going with allowing my kids find natural consequences to their behaviors. The tapes did give me a sense that I'm on the right track. It is support and inspiration on the road to loving these boys.

Summer... woooosh!

Our summer is going well... we have had so many new things to see and so many places to go. I cannot believe that the school year is about to start even though we have had such a full summer. I get a little sad about it. We get so into enjoying the summer ease and go-when-and-where-we-want schedule that the change to a ritual time and place oriented school year feels like sandpaper grating on my mind. Summer as well just went so fast. The Summer last year seemed to go on forever. I wonder if it had to do with the fact we were involved heavily in theatre events for the girls and somehow I buried myself in the newness of life in PA. Only our first full summer in PA. Wooosh... there went this summer.

Some of the things we did:

Some dance classes and auditions for a dance group
"Bama" was here for 28 days. The kids had a great fill of Grandma time.
Visited Hershey Park and on another day Chocolate World and Museaum
Strasburg Train Ride
Gettysburg Battle field tour
A couple picnic dinners
Dinners with a couple friends that were great fun
Science Center at the Maryland Inner Harbour
Shopping in Lancaster (Amish area)
All you can eat Crab dinner (whoa... this was new for us!)
A couple Farmer's Market visits
Ikea
Trader Joe's

Some wonderful points of passage for the kiddos:

Graduating from Speech Therapy for our 2 year old son!
and Potty training (we are not quite "there" yet)
Our 7 year old finally mastering her 2 wheel bike (woo hoo!!!!)
Our foster son was evaluated and is not needing special services
(He will go into head start in the fall and is excited about it)
We had 2 extra kids this summer for 19 days which made us a family
of 8!!!
Our older daughter auditioning for a dance troupe and making the decision to
move on form her theatre studio to focus on dance.

I know it's not over yet and we are still making discovery and doing fun new things. I just feel as though my time to post is fleeting so I wanted to update before we start school. School begins on the 26th which is so close at hand. I will finalize my summer vacation post after that...

Potty Training

Our little guy is taking the process slowly. He is enjoying his exploration of the realm of bathroom behavior. While I find the process somewhat unnerving at times (I don't like cleaning up after the accidents, at this point washing his hands is the only consistent thing he does and water is so much fun for him!) None-the-less I'm more relaxed than I was with my girls. One new thing for me is He is calling the shots, I had no patience with my girls but I'm letting the process take it's course with him. I hear about the parents that say they do-it-in-a-day, I whinge! I finally grilled one of these proud mom's who said this and she admitted it's not that easy. Of course the child was trained but they were not totally done with their efforts to make it a lifetime habit.

Our little guy has not been dry through the night yet, there have been times he has gotten up and has not yet pooped so on the potty he goes first thing. He is so proud of himself. He loves to look down and say "poopy come out"... in a sing-songy voice. He pushes his belly as he smiles through his efforts. He is now trying to do the standing up gig to pee but it has not worked yet. His torso is right up on the edge of the potty so it's difficult for him to get through the process (he looks at potty chairs as undignified, he wants the real thing). We took a trip to MA a few months back and for a few days he was consistently staying dry. We took him to the potty often and we were able to stay with it throughout the day. I think he got bored. He decided to stop. It just wasn't fun anymore and he was forced to stop what he was doing to get to the bathroom. I decided to let him take a break. He wasn't in charge of those efforts and I'm not sure he was fully recognizing the "urge" or if we were just getting him there in time and he'd cooperate. Now the light is going on more in his eyes and he is feeling the process more.

There is part of this "training" I'm convinced that is meant to train the adults too. We are back to basics. We are having to learn patience again... figure out how to approach a new phase of our parenting skills (some parents approach the reward method or the holding back rewards for those times things don't go smoothly, also what about those obviously deliberate accidents that coincide with anger at mom and/or dad). There are those wonderful successes and the rite of passage as we watch our little ones suddenly master a goal and make the decision to move on into "big boy/girl pants". While it makes life a little easier it also has the bittersweet side when we realize that the evolution toward dating is that much closer. Egad!

Fish!

One of our new loves is our fish! Started with a couple little tropical fish that we planned on keeping in a bowl. When we arrived home I cringed thinking that they would die and really not thrilled with that thought I asked some "experts" how to keep them alive. Well the 98 cent fish plan went up several digits and we then had a 10 gallon tank, filter, all the salves and goo that keeps it clean, the tools for easy maintenance, rocks, nooks and colorful doodads to adorn the fish home. Of course then we needed more fish.

After getting 11 fish (one more than recommended for the tank) we lost almost all of them slowly. Got more and lost several of those. Finally I went to the store and asked what might be going wrong with the guppies. The Tetra's seemed to be doing alright but the guppies were disappearing. Yes, simply disappearing. We did find a few on the bottom or top of the tank floating but most of them were just... gone?! Someone said they had disintegrated somehow... others thought maybe they were sucked into the filter? Still other's said the tetra's may be eating them? So we don't know but we have theories.

Well as we were finally figuring out a plan to keep our new angelfish, the 3 tetras, 1 Pleco and 1 male guppy alive we got word that someone was needing to find a new home for a 29 gallon tank that had 3 cichlids (one gold and two convicts) and large pleco. I quickly asked if we may be that new home at the same time wondering if I had lost my mind. The woman had had these fish for quite awhile and the tank since she was in her teens. She was newly pregnant with her 2nd child and could not do the upkeep. Her pregnancy was a risky one and she decided to give her pets to us.

I brought the tank and the fish to our home. The tank needed a total overhaul. I emptied it totally and cleaned it thoroughly. Our new pets had to live in a bucket for a few days (I was told that they could live this way for up to a week). Fish back in their tank they have enjoyed being with us for the last month. No morbidity on the part of the fish and no problems on our end either. The kids have enjoyed the new tank. Our 10 gallon tank as well is maintaining it's status of life.

Believe me I never thought I would enjoy fish but they really are wonderful. I had thought about how relaxing a tank can be and all the joy of seeing these creatures, alive, in our home. I just didn't think it was something I'd put my soul into actually doing. Well we did. It's a blessing!

Life on the Ranch...

Well it's definitely summer now. We hit a couple of days with the 90's and into the high humid range. Very uncomfortable. I had to nearly pass out before it dawned on me that we needed a better plan to stay cool. Air conditioning is wasted effort for the few days of heat here so we use the window air conditioners. That works to a point. Then we finally got to the pool for the latter hotter part of the day and layed out "camp" for the night in the living room where it was cooler. More iced liquids and a few outings to cooler places during the week. On our 2nd trip to the pool I lost my shoes or more likely they were taken. I had them in a spot near my towel and then when I returned from the cool waters they were gone. I hope they turn up on our next trip in the lost and found.

We finally are done with dance for the spring. The girls had their play "Children of Eden"... then there was a dance recital for my oldest daughter and then my recital this last weekend. So much fun but alot of hard work. We were planning on taking a break this next fall from the theatre to explore dance classes and it was a fortunate decision since the Center for the Arts have their teachers moving to NY, heading to Broadway (Good luck Claire and Eric). As well the director decided to leave because of changes and budget cuts. The future of the kids theatre is uncertain right now although I know it will revive. We had taken a few dance classes already at another studio so we can fall in there with ease.

Now we have two weeks with nothing more then the bare necessities to tend to (but of course we are doing some fun things... going to the pool, grocery shopping at Trader Joe's, a few times to Star bucks and we got a couple more fish for the tank). If you go to Trader Joe's be sure to get the Brownie bites with sea salt and the Joe Joe's. Oh heaven on earth!

Coming up is two weeks of Theatre/Dance Camp for the girls, a trip to Hershey Park, a visit from "Bama" (my mother). We want to get to the Zoo in Washington, Aquarium in Baltimore, Science Center and a find something new to do. We've done all those things and love those places but we will certainly venture to a new place. Visiting with some friends is a must. I now am officially a grill girl who loves to cook out in the back yard. I cleaned that dirty thing up yesterday and I'm ready for more.

I wanted to say Thank you to Chad for publicly taking time to recognize our work as foster/adopt parents. It's an honor to all fostering and adoptive parents when someone recognizes even one of us. We are the lucky ones who have been graced by the beauty of each child in our lives but we do give our hearts to each little person who comes into our lives.

More later...

Ahhhh! Spring!

I will tell you since our move I have loved life much more thoroughly than I did in Arizona. Truely I did live in Arizona and I did accept life there but I remember as a child pretending I lived somewhere else and when we would back east or really anywhere that had trees, grass and even a small amount of humidity that meant thriving plants, flowers and trees I was so much happier. That was where my heart lived. Arizona does have green but it's not the same. The natural order of things in Arizona is desert... that is truely the way it's supposed to be. Those with green lawns and a larger amount of fauna and flora had to rob the water table to keep it so. The desert can be beautiful and the spring has it's own natural mystery and beauty it's just didn't reach the depth of my soul like it does here. This is home.

I must say before I continue my ode to the joy of spring that this last winter was very trying. A large part of it was that we really did not get that much snow (which really is what makes winter). There was too much ice and slush and cold rain. I was working to keep our heating bills down so I kept the thermostat at around 60 - 65 but I still paid high bills (well the darn rates went up and I will tell you it's highway robbery to be cold and pay between 300 and 600 in heating bills a month. My brain seems to shut down. A bear-like trait of hybernation of the senses. I couldn't think and I ran out of energy to generate creative ways to survive the cold. I found myself just waiting on the spring. Soooo...

Well it's spring! Yippppppeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! The flowers are blooming. It is between 40 and 70 outside. Wonderful to breathe in the lovely scent of life blossoming in the air. My brain has thawed out and I'm again alive with it all. My sense are awake... I can see everything in bloom, feel the warmth, touch the live movable earth (planting flowers), smell the fragrant blossoms and even hear the birds, wind and lawnmowers. It's all music to my soul. I can hardly wait for the farmers markets to open back up. I will dig out all my shorts and feel the sun on my skin again with the touch of dew and beauty of warm days that move to cool nights where we can bbq and enjoy the summer evenings outside. Then come the fire flys! Whoa! The beauty that inspires! I'm just in love with it all... it was worth waiting for. I will tend my garden, pour mulch in my flower beds, mow the lawn and pull weeds as they come up so I can feel and touch the earth some more. The parks are everywhere waiting for the kids to play all we need to do is decide which one to go to. How special we feel to be part of all this.

My 7 year old is a joy to watch. She found her first caterpiller this last week. She has made dozens of bouquets of dandylion flowers, picked buckets of purple wildflowers and dug in the brown earth to find more life that lives deeper in the soil. I learn from her as I watch her cherish the living earth. She has danced in the rain (well she danced in the snow too although there wasn't much of it). She can't seem to get enough of it. I'm in awe of her.

So off we go to revel in the spring and begin our long summer of joy!

Martian Child

I read the book back in 2005 I think it was. Possibly 2004? I was at a 2nd hand bookstore and the adoption section was right next to the kids books (how convenient!). As my two daughters sat and read I went and explored. The book "Martian Child" jumped out at me. I started reading it as I sat in the kids section. At that point we were on the way to being foster parents and adopting but as of yet had not gotten all of our paperwork through the bureaucracy. I was trying to avoid "points of view" that colored foster parenting with a negative hue. I so believe that it's important to know all you can know but at the same time I believe it's important to go into things with some positive truth from the heart. Up to this point I had had my fill of the negative.

So there I was carefully reading this book and I couldn't put it down. David's writing held me captive although there was one chapter I struggled with. It likely was my difficulty in understanding the depth of what was going on from my inexperienced point of view. His metaphor and meaning hit me deeply. He had a sense of humour and a grasp on life renewed through adoption. He was unfailing in his love but true to the depth of his frustrations.

I was disappointed though in the movie. I don't think it did justice to the book or the subject matter. I adore John Cusack and Joan Cusack... Bobby Coleman, the child star in the movie did a superb job. All are very talented and I was inspired by the movie at times but overall it disappointed. Now as a foster parent, foster/adopt parent and a continuing advocate of fostering I thought it left too much open and unexplained for those who don't know what it is like. The story line was changed possibly because society isn't ready for the truth (sadly enough!). While the truth may have muddied the waters of what this was really about there were some parts of the book that needed to be explored more thoroughly. The issue of family needs to be challenged though overall so I think the truth needs to be told more fully or not modified to such an extent that it's so politically correct. Where was the wonderful Jewish grandmother? Far too many of the struggles were watered down and the joys not explored enough. "Somewhere" was not given his rightful role. He was such an important part of things, the four legged peacemaker. Moreso Dennis was so much more real and less Martian in the book although yes, this was his deep cover and a hugely intelligent cover at that which the movie did explore. I just wanted more of the human endeavors that were shown in the book.

I recommend the book be read first and then watch the movie on DVD. After it is over watch the special features so you can see the Author and Dennis in real life. And then see how the movie was made and the inspiration in how it was made. I think going beyond the movie into the world of parenthood and childhood by seeing how Bobby was discovered and how he so courageously took on this role gave more meaning to the movie. Children are so under rated in our society... so under appreciated for what they are. So in the end I think it is important to see this movie then dig a bit deeper and find inspiration in the special features grasp a bit more of what it's all about.

Spring Break

Well it wasn't much of Spring. We went to Massachusetts for 8 days. I wondered what possessed me to agree to going to MA in what would be a 20 to 30 degree week? Why did I even think of going North? Had I lost my mind!?!

Actually I do know what gave me the notion of going to MA. I focused on the wonderful world of New England! I imagined American History (a love I've had since the the 5th grade)... Boston a big city, being able to connect to the ocean, Cape Cod, Martha's Vineyard. I just wasn't connecting with the notion that it really isn't the time of the year to fully enjoy those things.

The good news: No Crowds!!! Plenty of indoor things to do! It didn't actually get as cold as we thought it would. We visited with two sets of friends. Doughnuts are plentiful there! (or is that bad news... they have Dunkin Doughnuts every half mile!) Boston is wonderful! The accents of some of the people just thrilled me to no end... I wasn't disappointed! Pahkin ya cah is wicked hahd! Giggle!!!! We got to thoroughly enjoy some Thai food which I hadn't had in almost 2 years since we haven't found a place in PA that specializes in it yet (MA is multicultural)! The last day we were there they opened Plimouth Plantation and we were able to go there and enjoy... it was warm that day! I learned to read maps (I'm usually so challenged to figure out roads and highways but I actually did it!)

The not so good news: Many areas of Cape Cod and Martha's Vineyard don't open until April (It worked out since we were able to spend more time doing other things and we got the lay of the land for future crowded summer visits to CC and MV. It was still disappointing though.). It was in fact cold for the most part and the beach was pretty hard to enjoy. It rained two days so we were not only cold but wet a few times.

The Highlights: Boston Aquarium, Woodshole Aquarium, Boston Kid's Museum, Easton Kids Museum, Cape Cod, Martha's Vineyard, Thai Food, Plimouth Plantation and the Mayflower II, Falmouth Shopping Area, Visiting with Chris and Paul. Visiting with Dorothy and Marty. Sleeping in a warm cabin and enjoying time as a family.

Mind you we had 4 kids with us on this trip. The two oldest got their fill since many of the things we did were geared to them. They were open to learning, shopping, eating fun food and running around Plimouth Plantation. The boys ages 2 and 3 were challenged by the limitations of having to stick close to the big people. They had trouble with the limitations of being 2 and not being able to just cross those railings, touch that glass object and vocally expressing themselves how and when they wanted to. Andrew did delight us and have a few good days of going potty in the potty and his key phrase was "poopy come out!" He would giggle and strain to make this occur. He at one point told me as he pointed to his belly button "mommy push my belly there!" Our little foster son was overjoyed to see the ocean and ran up and down the beaches that we stopped at. He loved his sleeping bag and he took great pride in being with "daddy". The boys love "daddy" and this was a spectacular experience for them to get so much time with Tim.

We look forward to future trips away from our new home. We are carving out new niches in our experience since the east coast is not familiar to us as of yet. This was a positive move forward for us to know we can venture out and explore. It was also exciting to know with our larger family base we are able to handle and enjoy as we explore.

Random Thoughts

My little boy was sick this week. Took him to the docs office Tuesday and they were able to get him turned around. He likely has bronchitis but this little boy is challenged with Asthma type symptoms (has not been diagnosed as of yet) whenever he gets sick. He was having a very hard time breathing. His lungs were tight and coughing was painful to watch and listen to. He strained so hard he was using his whole body to cough. He is on an antibiotic that I believe has helped and we had to increase the number of albuterol treatments we do for him. We also use Prendisone in his nebulizer daily. Usually these treatments are frustrating for both of us. He doesn't like to sit through them and if he sits well at all for this treatment I have to have something entertaining on the DVD so he can focus on it. These are times where he is well and not showing any symptoms. We are supposed to do the Prendisolone daily and the albuterol as needed (I prefer the inhaler when we just need it once or twice in a day). Well Tuesday he not only sat the whole time w/o anything on the DVD but he would fall asleep. He slept most of the day. The only plus side was I was able to hold him for long periods of time and just look at him almost like when he was newborn. He is just the most precious boy. Sweet wisps of strawberry blonde hair, beautiful brown eyes, sweet rosy lips and a chubby little round face. He was a little snuggle bunny. So sweet! I was glad when he found his energy and vibrancy again but I do miss the sweet armful of baby boy that was willing to lay there for a duration of time. He is doing much better now but at times he will still let me hold him for few minutes while he sips out of his cup. Childhood woooshes by so fast and I thrill at the moments when I can slow down a bit and watch it more closely and marvel at it.

Dance fever...

I recently decided to take up a dance class. Then someone told me about another class that sounded compatible with the first one so I decided to take two. How bold am I! Two nights a week sounded like a great way to start moving more creatively. I also wanted to find out if I could actually move in an organized manner. I knew that it would likely involve coordination. I thought if nothing else I could work in the direction of learning and gaining some confidence in myself. But wow did I end up disappointed. The class I was enjoying the most was cancelled after 6 weeks. In those 6 weeks I do believe I gained some knowledge of basic dance steps but I wasn't able in those 6 weeks to do most of the steps. I really felt the learning curve was a large one. At one point my 11 year old daughter was with me and although I know she was proud I was there and only wanting to strut her own knowledge after 1 1/2 years of taking classes at this studio, she took me to task with a flourish for being so clumsy, telling me I wasn't paying attention. I stopped her at one point and said "will you knock that off... this is really humiliating to be in this class right now!" She looked at me, eyes wide and didn't say another word. I knew she understood but still I had been taken down a notch. My eyes, my brain and my body did not want to work together to process the information I was getting from this very skilled teacher. At one point we were supposed to kick high, head in the air off to one side with our arms moving in another direction and move across the floor taking these steps several times then turn around and reverse that pattern. I know that part of the problem was that I was in front of my peers and as well I don't think I've had to use my brain and body together in that way since early childhood in my ballet class. In spite of this I was disappointed that the class ended. I knew the humiliation would have continued in that class but I was up for the challenge. My other dance class continues. I remind myself "don't quit today". This class is more repititious which gives me a chance to learn and gather my footing more carefully yet it still goes too fast sometimes for me to really "get it all". I do see progress (sometimes more than others). The teacher is so gentle and encouraging. In spite of the frustration I think maybe I'm doing okay?! In the end we will be doing a recital (I haven't had the nerve to ask who will be in the audience yet. I don't know if I want to know yet how public this will be.)

The other day I was talking to a dear friend about my feelings and the disappointment I feel every so often with the dancing. I don't know what I wanted really when I started. Who doesn't feel at times that finding hidden talents and sudden fame would be ideal but really there was a strong part of me that just wanted self expression. She said I really needed belly dancing or some dance movement that inspired and gave me a sense of the feminine. I agree with her. An inner part of me... the intuitive and inspired part of me needs that. I have to acknowledge I would love to be a performer but not necessarily for showing off. I want to show my more creative side... I'd love to be able to express myself creatively through dance. Even more I'd love to be able to sing and dance but I won't even venture to open my mouth in an attempt at harmony at this point unless I'm in the shower alone so dance seems like the safest bet. The jury is still out though.

I think it's important now that I have a family, a very devoted spouse and a busy life within that realm to take some time to finally figure out more about my own talents, and move towards something on my own for an hour or so a week. I know I'm not a craft person. I know that I do love to write but haven't quite found my way around that yet in more than a few poems, my journal and possibly my blog. Again my mantra comes up "don't quit today". I believe I was led to this dance class. There is a spark of light in me that says I wasn't supposed to continue the other class but it was supposed to lead me to this one that I'm continuing with? I believe it but then I find it hard to believe in myself sometimes. I got myself into this and I want to exit with more confidence that I can complete what I started. Last fall I took an acting class and that was fun. It was only the very beginnings of knowing what acting is all about yet I was able to do some skits with the acting group and as well a monologue "Melanie" who was an extremely self-absorbed shop-girl. I shocked myself in the end. I not only completed the class but I got out of myself and actually "acted". Wow! So when I falter I remember how insane I thought that was and I did it !

I've again have had to re-think my life. I have spent so long thinking that there is something I need to do. Well maybe I'm doing it... maybe it wasn't meant to be done any differently up to now and from now on? Who knows that I won't end up eventually finding a way to expand my brain and my life to include dancing and acting? In the end if nothing else is accomplished having completed the acting class and in working my way through the dance class to a recital I will have the knowledge that I did it. I hopefully will have a bit more coordination in the end although right now I feel as though I'm on the slow end of getting there but what's wrong with that? Maybe I'm on the fast end of getting to something else much more fulfilling? I want to be able to tell people that even though I wasn't another Lena Horne in the end I did get to know who Anne was a bit better and well I like that girl. She succeeded in finding some creative outlets and adding "dancer" and "actor" to her usual repertoire of who I have been so far. It's fun to not only find creative new ways to move but also creative new ways to think in the process too!

tagged someone else to make 5!

Emily... hello! I hope you make it here. I'm very new to blogging so there is not much content here yet, I really enjoyed reading yours.

http://secretburning.livejournal.com/

Check below for rules of being tagged and tagging others. Have fun!

and one more makes 4!

http://90degreesatmidnight.blogspot.com/ Clisby hello! Information on the tag is down below.

Okay... enough about not feeling well!

Health is an interesting topic particularly when I don't feel all that healthy. My view is that no matter how I feel my body is heading toward optimum health. Detoxing... renewing and all so I will change the view I have of this nasty stuff I'm dealing with and foward to health and change on all levels!

and another one for the tag....

http://ruthtopple.blogspot.com/

Hi Ruth... I hope you make it here!

Anne

So far I have found two people who blog....

two people who were not mentioned by Pep!

1) Deanna http://www.away2me.typepad.com/

2) Bek: http://www.ignorethecrazy.blogspot.com/

I have been tagged...

I've been tagged by Pep! Please visit her Blog at http://peprmntpatti120.blogspot.com/
Once tagged, link back to the person who tagged you. Post the rules on your blog. Post 7 random or weird facts about yourself on your blog. Tag 7 people and link to them. Comment on their blog to let them know they have been tagged.

7 random things about me...

I've seen snakes near my home AZ, had one in my house in AZ and lived through the fear to talk about it. A rattler no less /faint!

I am/was a licensed Substance Abuse Counselor (was because I let it lapse once I decided to stay home with kiddos)

I love Sushi!

I drink tea every day... have not had coffee in about 10 years.

My favorite color (I guess it's not a color though?) is black. I find it warm and safe and expansive!

My secret ambition has been to work as a Barista and a coffee hub, maybe even own one of those great places... they are great places where people gather

I really want to be able to dance and sing (at this point it's something I'm working towards and I'm not very good at it)

I will post later those I tag because Pep tagged the only people I know with Blogs. I'm so new to this that I don't know that many people with blogs. I may have to meet some new bloggers : )

Another day with a bug...

Well I made it through another day. Woke up feeling alright but I had had a few coughing fits in the night and was awake for too long in the dark hours. I was not rested. I had planned to take the kids to the MD Inner Harbour today to do something. Our plans shaped up this morning with the focus on the Science Center. With President's Day off I knew keeping these kid in the house again would not be a good experience. We could take the 1.4 hour drive and walk a half block to get there and spend the day, eat some food someone else prepared... keep the house as clean as it was when we got up and hopefully preserve everyones sanity. It worked for the most part. Having only been there a few times I forgot how crowded it can get. Parking with my oversized an proved a challenge. The usual garages were full and the others didn't have enough clearance. I found a surface lot but ended up not being able to cross over to that side of the street initially and then ended up on a highway to DC? Some of the streets in MD go right into highways w/o any way to get turned around before you are well on your way out of town. Took me a few miles to find a turnoff and got turned around and back to the lot. Yahooo! We got up to the science center and had a 30 minute wait to get tickets. Then the fun began. A bit of food and a really great place to just enjoy. Andrew was a gem! Q our foster son was a bit of a challenge because he was not able to stay with us when we let him roam on his own so he ended up in the stroller more than I really wanted him to be for the sake of keeping him close in a huge huge crowd of people. There were two exhibits at the Science Center we did not partake in... one was the Body Worlds (not sure it's appropriate for the smaller kids so we will travel back at a later date) and IMAX (kids voted it out). The place is so huge though it amounted to a days worth of exploration and we really could have used more time. http://www.mdsci.org/ check it out.
Weather was heavenly this morning which made it a great day to explore. The rain that was hitting the ground stopped right before we left the Science Center so we did not have to get wet to get back to the car. The kids really did show their true colors and behaved well all day. Ahhhh!

I got home and thankfully Tim said "lets go out for dinner!" My favorite words right now. So we did. We are home and I'm totally pooped. I feel better than I did last night but I'm still pretty achy, very tired, and pretty irritable. Not a sign of total health yet but I'm on the way I'm sure.

Searching for my soul...

As I wrote in my blog last we had been experiencing the winter blahs here. Flu bugs, colds and all that goes with it. Well I thought I was feeling better and somehow that reversed. I wondered why I crashed emotionally last night and pretty much lost track of the whereabouts of my soul. The title of my blog live-to-learn takes on a new meaning here. Learning is not always fun is it? I was hugely emotional, weepy and unsure of myself. I was out at a Play with my daughter and some friends. A wonderful experience of friendship and culture and I wondered what was going on with me.

Well it's a mixture of things I'm sure we all experience in our lives. Sleep has been shortened by coughing fits, headaches and sinus pressure at night. The cold drives me just nutty during the day since these last few weeks have been in the single digits and teens for the most part during the day (40 right now so the sun is shining somewhere). I absolutely love the snow but most of this cold weather has just been ice and overcast days which takes my already dreary mood into more of a challenging space. The fact that I have felt really good off and on has kept me off balance here. When I woke up this morning and I was achy and feeling really congested and pitiful I realized it's not gone whatever it is.

I can hear my mother saying "Go to a doctor!". Well I do not apologize for not being the type to run to the doctor when I feel blah. First off in the past I have done so only to walk away with nothing more than the reassurance that since there is no fever and I'm still walking upright and can eat something I won't die and I am not alone. The flu and colds are rampant during this season. Let's not get you started on antibiotics since those tend to increase the problem if you don't need them.

My husband asked me last night. What will help you? He had been sounding pretty "preachy" and irritated with himself because he didn't know what to say. I'm so full of gratitude that I have the love of a man who can step back and say "what do you need, what I'm doing doesn't seem to be helping". I simply unloaded a heap of tears and frustration with myself and everyone around me and he listened. At that point I said "nothing will help because I feel so badly I can't see through the fog... I need to know I am a worthwhile human being but I don't feel like one!" Then I had to step back and remind myself that it's not okay to just feel horrid and not find a way through this. It's not okay to be so grumpy with my kids and end up feeling guilty about it. It's not okay to just be miserable when there is so much love and peace in the world. I hated being me at that moment.

So I take a step back and I look around. What can I do to acknowledge where I am at. Again... this too shall pass... some people are just going through this fluish business for longer periods of time and I'm one of them right now. My kids are well, my husband is well (Thank God and all the Angels in heaven! LOL!) but I am down with this for a bit longer. I have to give myself permission to just take it easy... take it a bit slower... do the basics since I am capable of doing the wash, cleaning the house, tending to the kids needs. Cooking dinner seems to be more of a challange since the sight and smell of food is not pleasant at all so I ask myself, how can I better feed my family? It is possible to take a step back there as well but still find a way meet all our needs? Certainly it is and I need to not feel guilty about it. What are my options for just resting a bit more and knowing when my emotions run amok I need to take a break from the fast pace of things going on around me. Right now I want to quit one of my dance class (one of them may quit me because there are not enough people enrolled... unfortuantely it's the one I really want to keep taking). Okay... right now is not a good time to make major decisions so I will wait on that decision and any others that pop into my thoughts. Suddenly thinking all my friends are out to get me isn't a good idea either. My husband is a bit grumpier with me at times, as well as the kids but it rather makes sense I'm not a looking glass of happiness right now. My temper is shorter due to a bit less reserves and more stress. So in short it's time to take a few more tea breaks... counting to 10 or maybe 20 when my fuse seems to be short and re-evaluating the scene. Does it surprise me that the little ones are getting into a little more trouble when I am not able to get them outdoors right now and I'm not resourceful indoors? No so I will find a way to make our lives a bit more pleasant.

For the rest of the day I'm working on making apologies to people for my negative behavior and taking a bit of a slower route through my tasks at hand. I'm going to be figuring out by taking an inventory in my thoughts of how blessed I am. Great kids, super wonderful house to live in, money in the bank and the promise of enough security to handle all the bills and then some... the most wonderful loving husband with a sense of humour, the gift of insight, friends who care... the promise of Spring (literally and figuratively life will flourish and be renewed over and over again!) and so much more! Thank you God for a new day to evaluate my doubts, fears and difficulties and the gift of those who demonstrate this daily in my life!

Winter week of blues

After almost 2 weeks of feeling poorly (flu? and then sinus congestion, possibly infection), Tim going through the flu for a few days and the kiddos being sick one by one we finally all feel much better today. The last two days as well were snow days here (no school due to inclement weather). I know by now that "this too shall pass" but it's hard to focus when you don't feel good.
We really do have health to be thankful for. I recieved an e-mail from another mom who was telling me about the death (car accident) of a 16 year old girl. My heart breaks when I hear that. Please keep them in your prayers.

I'm off to make up for having missed some house cleaning and errands over the last week.

My First Blog Post... some of who I am... my life and how we got here!

Today is a very important day... is what I want to tell myself every day. As I am now 44 years of age and finally realize that it all starts right now...whatever... and it never ends. I'm trying to live a bit less of a life of trying and more of a life of doing though. I'm excited but many times disappointed. Old habits die hard... the ones I want to change. I have 4 kids (sometimes 5) as I am a foster parent. Tim and I have 2 biological daughters and we adopted the most wonderful little boy last October through foster care. Shortly after I had our first child my mother said to me "you were made for this!" I didn't feel it was totally true since motherhood has not come easy but I do know being married to Tim and being a mother is what I have wanted most of my life. The other few years I don't remember as I was in the cradle. Seriously I remember being in love with the idea of motherhood most of my life. Marriage was a mystery to me since I wasn't surrounded by loving marriages in my younger years. I seemed they were all pretty awful and several of my parents friends divorced. But as I grew into my pre-teen years Cinderella was my role model (although I don't know she ever had kids?) I remember thinking prince charming was out there. Well he was for me Thank God! I found my prince.

Okay... enough about that. We moved to Pennsylvania just year and a half ago minus 2 weeks. The transition was smooth. It was one of those moves that even though it took us 4 years to really make the decision to move and where we were going (another part of AZ? New Mexico? Florida? or Pennsylvania) and Tim had time to get a job once we decided to move to PA we still had a concern if this was the right place to be? We knew we had to leave what was then our home but we were just uncertain about taking this leap of faith. It was indeed a leap of faith. We visited Pennsylvania with the decision to look at jobs, homes and all (we had been getting newspapers and information for a few years on jobs and the housing market in areas around Carlisle and Harrisburg) We had 3 days. We had come in on a train over spring break with 4 kids (two of them were then foster children, one who has since been adopted along with a brother by a loving family and the other one is now our son). We rented a car and we literally drove from one place to another making decisions on our new life. Tim was offered a job. We then drove around looking at houses and found one we absolutely fell in love with from the outside. We had a Realtor show us the house and were hugely disappointed because it was not at all what we thought it would be once we looked inside. A lovely house but not near big enough for our family. She then took us to 3 more houses and we found the home we now live in. We also found a wonderful friendship with this Realtor!!! She and her spouse are our very good friends. Once we returned home we had to make an offer on the house and figure out how to finance. It all came together quickly and well. I was excited and have not lost that excitement but it wasn't all fun and joy. Moving is a chore!

Tim moved in may which was a few months after our trip out to PA, the kids and I followed in August after the swim team season was over and we had had time to say our Goodbyes to everyone we could possibly get to. He had given notice at his job in AZ and made plans for moving most of our belongings (well most of his "treasures" as he's a major "collector" of stuff and some of our belongings). We had a large property in AZ along with a 2nd house we stored things in. He did pare down his "collection" thankfully! I brought out the rest of our belongings and a few things that I knew Tim and his dad had brought onto our property from the railroad "bone yard" as they called it. It was interesting to me how as the days went on into months that I felt less attached to AZ and some of the people I had know over the years and became clearer on what had meaning to me... what I wanted to take... who I felt I was? I do have friends I miss terribly but those friendships have not ended! I still feel as close to those people as ever but I do miss seeing them whenever I want to. Some of my friends from AZ had left AZ even before we did and gave me wings to do the same thing and be happy with it.

So we arrived in PA with a feeling of a new beginning. We had visions of giving our children and ourselves more of a life. More adventure and opportunity for all! Pennsylvania has not disappointed us and in fact has brought us surprises! We were even prepared for the winters (which actually are mild but still we get the excitement of snow and days off of school in front of the fireplace with hot cocoa!) We have found tremendous friendships, a renewed faith and spirituality, fantastic roots (Tim's family had some beginnings in PA and I can go a state away to Ohio to visit some of my family history) and we have been able to grow in all areas of our lives in new and greater ways. The girls are taking Musical Theatre classes and really enjoying it, thriving in school. Our son is now 2. We have had 6 foster children come into our home and all but one has moved on to what hopefully is a better life from where they were before we got them... partially because of us but also because they were able to go to be placed with loving family. We hope to adopt 2 more children but are thrilled with fostering until then. Tim has settled in his current job and loves his work and the people he works with. I am home with the kids but I also take two dance classes that have given me a sense of breaking out into a bit more of a diverse identity for myself. I took an acting class in the fall and that was a tremendous boost to my sense of adventure! I also have made some terrific friends and love being in love with my new home. Any down sides? I'm not too sure about getting older yet. I have to be honest that for the first time in my life I solidly happy and I don't plan on letting my age get me down but being 44 takes a bit of adjustment for me. Where has the time gone. My oldest child is now 11 and I'm just in awe of her but how did she grow so fast!

Well I had better get off here now.... more later on life past and present life.